Ashes to ashes in Melbourne

Forget the polls — an obituary concisely captures the current mood of Melbourne.

Daniel Andrews.

Forget the polls — this obituary concisely captures the current mood of Melbourne.

It was written by the grieving family of Peter Mitchell AM (8/3/1935 – 7/9/2020) to inform friends of the 85-year-old’s passing.

“Husband of Jocelyn, father of Julian, Steve and Cassie, grandfather of Tash, Lawless, Jumbo Jim, Rocky, Jeannie, Lisey and Fredster.

“An exceptional man with an exceptional mind, wit and heart.

“Died in his sleep at home. Memorial service to be held when the dictator is overthrown.”

We assume Dictator Dan Andrews, not Kim Jong-un.

Under the current stage-four lockdowns, funerals in Danistan are restricted to 10 mourners (not including those required to run the service).

Suffice to say, there are schemes being plotted for another anti-lockdown protest this Sunday, albeit a tad more iso-friendly.

More than 32,000 people plan to place a pair of boots outside their front doors, inspired by the Facebook event “Give Dan The Boot: Protest From Home”.

Who’s behind it? Fringe political group Victoria Forward, run by 19-year-old Trump supporter and Liberal Party member Edward Bourke.

Follow this logic

This was Queensland Chief Health Officer Jeanette Young’s rationale for denying a Canberra woman permission to leave quarantine and attend her father’s funeral on Thursday: “Canberra is defined as a hotspot because it’s in the middle of NSW … a lot of people in Canberra have weekend residences in Batemans Bay”.

Fact check: The ACT’s has not recorded a new case since July 10.

Yet when it comes to Tom Hanks, luxury yacht owners or anyone associated with the AFL, Young explained: “I have given exemptions for people in entertainment and film because that is bringing a lot of money into this state.”

We’re all in this new normal together, are we?

Palaszczuk sent out Dr Jeanette Young to face the press.

Once more with feeling

From a non-medically advised curfew to security guards trying to keep their alleged sexual activity in hotel quarantine secret — it’s safe to say Bleak City needs some significant help spinning the Dandemic.

They’ll have to do with one new recruit, for $93,396-$119,052.

A job ad for a senior communications adviser in the Infection Prevention Control cell of the Victorian Health and Human Services Department has been making the rounds on LinkedIn.

Curiously, the listing says the location of the six-month full-time contract is “Melbourne CBD” — not in the successful applicant’s home.

“This is a busy and rewarding role within a fantastic team who have a great culture of comradery (sic),” the KPIs claim.

In a sure sign that it was thrown together in a rush, the ad repeats itself: “This is a busy and rewarding role within a high performing team who will do what it takes to get the job done.”

The department says it aims to “enhance the wellbeing of Victorians” by following the “government’s vision for making Victoria a stronger, more caring and innovative state”.

Innovative? Hang on — wasn’t this the state that was contract tracing with pens, paper and fax machines?

You had one job

The staff bulletin from Melbourne’s La Trobe University took a dark turn this week. Under the “At a glance” email summary, the first dot point said “R U OK?”
The second: “Second round voluntary redundancy program – EOIs now open”. Ouch.

indeed pic.twitter.com/FeORuNDscu

— Jordy Silverstein (@jewonthis) September 9, 2020

Festival of the boot

R U OK Day took a strange turn in the Bere/Bara NSW government, when the Nationals threw the toys out of their Macquarie Street cot.

Twelve members of the junior Coalition partner went full Elvis and left the building over koalas. Well, moved to the crossbench while keeping their ministerial portfolios and full pay packets. Personally, we don’t understand how you can be in cabinet and the crossbench.

Gladys Berejiklian.

Constitutional law expert Anne Twomey and NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian agree. Bere set a 9am deadline for the Nats to resign from cabinet or face the festival of the boot.

“If required, I will attend NSW Government House (on Friday) and swear in a new ministry”.

Greens troublemaker Pat Caruana tweeted: “You might say the Nats have the Libs over a Barilaro.”

Five stars!

I’m told Premier @GladysB walked in to room with Barilaro/Toole/Mitchell/Taylor and said words to the effect “I’ve never been so disgusted in the 3+ yrs working with you. Either withdraw your threat or I want your resignations on my desk at 9am tomorrow morning.” Then walked out.

— Alex Hart (@alexhart7) September 10, 2020

Roll out the Barilaro

Here's a thought — is John Barilaro’s luxury Dungowan Estate near Braidwood captured by the new koala maps?

John Barilaro.

Sources say … maybe.

Which means if the Nationals leader has plans to develop it further, he may have to do some koala surveys.

Avid readers may recall Bara popped down mid-pandemic in May to “feed chickens, mow lawns and tend to maintenance” at the seven-bedroom abode (with own lake and boat house), which he lists for $1850-a-night on Airbnb.

Barilaro purchased the 94 hectare Dungowan Estate for $2.015 million on June 13, 2014.

Dial a quote

Cut to 4pm, Thursday, Channel 2.

Patricia Karvelas: “Do you support John Barilaro’s move? Have you spoken to him?”

Barnaby Joyce: “Yes, I do and no, I haven’t.”

Science only

Here’s a quote to record for posterity from Liberal MP Tim Wilson.

Re: the non-medically advised COVID curfew, Wilson accused Dandrews of using “political whim to make decisions, where it isn’t backed up by evidence, where it isn’t justified”.

Wilson said: “I actually want a basis of reason. I think every measure that is taken should be justified on the basis it is necessary to deal with the containment of this virus.”

Strange bedfellows

Osama bin Laden’s niece is a big fan of … Donald Trump?

Noor Bin Ladin is the daughter of bin Laden’s half-brother Yeslam and Swiss author Carmen nee Dufour.

The Swiss-based socialite — whose arm of the family spell their name differently to her terrorist uncle — gave her first interview to the New York Post.

The 33-year-old said she proudly sports a MAGA hat (but says it gets a frosty reception in Europe), considers America her second home (and plans to visit the 9/11 memorial) and believes that only the current US President can stop the next 9/11.

From Switzerland, #WWG1WGA #WWG1WGAWORLDWIDE #QAnon pic.twitter.com/pSuvaAig5v

— Noor Bin Ladin (@NoorBinLadin) May 17, 2020

“ISIS proliferated under the Obama/Biden administration, leading to them coming to Europe. Trump has shown he protects America and us by extension from foreign threats by obliterating terrorists at the root and before they get a chance to strike.”

She continued: “I have been a supporter of President Trump since he announced he was running in 2015. I have watched from afar and I admire this man’s resolve. He must be re-elected … It’s vital for the future of not only America, but Western civilisation as a whole.”

Only eight weeks to go!

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