Stay home Alice Springs, the Prime Minister’s got his eye on this

Locals barricaded themselves in the Todd Tavern in Alice Springs as rioters threw bricks, smashed windows and hurled themselves at the locked entrance. Pictures - Supplied

Watching the footage of mass rioting last week in Alice Springs, I half-expected the Northern Territory government to announce the town had signed a sister city agreement with Juba, South Sudan. Wanton vandalism, vicious assaults, gangs of youths roaming the streets armed with axes, knives and clubs, rampant car theft and burglary, bloody feuds – yes, I thought, Central Australia is ticking all the boxes.

For Alice Springs residents, safety is best observed by staying at home. But even that does not guarantee security. Fail to fortify your house, and chances are one night you will discover an intruder holding a machete to your throat. If you are lucky, they will just demand the car keys.

Daytime does not mean respite. Last week terrified patrons barricaded themselves in the Todd Tavern whilst rioters threw bricks, smashed windows and hurled themselves at the locked entrance. The mob also trashed cars and other local businesses. Police were outnumbered and overwhelmed. As Alice Springs mayor Matt Paterson told The Australian, the situation shocked even hardened Territorians.

“Yesterday was the worst I’ve ever seen, and I’ve spoken to people who’ve lived here much longer than I have, and … it’s the worst they’ve ever seen it,” he said, pleading for the federal government to intervene.

But the besieged residents of Alice Springs need not fear. The Prime Minister has heeded your cries for help. Speaking last week from Muswellbrook, NSW, where he had just announced his plan to shower the solar panel industry with a billion dollars in taxpayer-funded subsidies, Anthony Albanese was asked when he would go to Alice Springs. His response?

“We are continuing to monitor what is happening there,” he said.

There you have it. This is splendid news to distressed locals and testament to the Prime Minister’s hands-on approach. Monitoring the situation in Alice Springs is a longstanding Albanese project, you see. He began monitoring this situation in July 2022, when Indigenous leaders wrote to him, warning the impending expiry of federal government alcohol bans in the NT would lead to violence and disorder.

Albanese did absolutely nothing to address this, but the important thing is he continued to monitor the situation. And when soaring alcohol-fuelled violence and property offences brought chaos to Alice Springs in January last year, he continued to monitor the situation from Canberra. In fact, following much criticism from political opponents and disquiet from his own party, he even made a marathon four-hour visit to the town, which I am sure all will agree was a stupendous effort. Make no mistake, Territorians. Even if the entire town is set ablaze, Albanese will continue to monitor the situation.

Youths in Alice Springs drive a stolen Toyota Hilux through town at 4am. Picture: Liam Mendes / The Australian

Pressed in Muswellbrook as to when he would visit the town, Albanese was both coy and defensive. “I have visited the Northern Territory nine times,” he insisted. When asked how many of those visits were to Alice Springs, he avoided the question.

And let it be said that all these visits to the NT were prompted by Albanese’s unfailing focus on mainstream issues. For example, he went to the last two Garma Festivals to plug his botched Indigenous voice to parliament referendum. And who could forget the moving images of the Prime Minster having a good weepy as he was presented with a copy of the Uluru Statement from the Heart just days before the referendum?

Then there was Albanese’s visit to Darwin in November for an ALP fundraiser at an upmarket restaurant. As the NT News reported, all that concerned locals needed to do to speak with him was fork out $5000 a head for the privilege. This is yet another example of Albo’s everyman credentials.

But unfortunately for Central Australians, Albanese has far more important places to visit. And while I sympathise with the Alice Springs mayor and his fellow locals, the onus is on them to make sure their town is worthy of Albanese’s presence.

Allow me to make a few suggestions. See if you can organise rock band Gang of Youths to play there and fly in a couple of thousand inner-city hipsters for the concert. Albanese would love another chance to skol a beer for the crowd. He is a sucker too for Taylor Swift as well as the Foo Fighters. Alternatively, you could always host a celebrity DJ competition.

Consider requesting radio host Kyle Sandilands to renew his wedding vows in the middle of town. Or invite NBA star Shaquille O’Neal to feature in a panel regarding the complexities of federal government intervention in a quasi-state. You could write to the organisers of the Australian Open and ask them to shift the venue to the Red Centre. If you can steal the Mardi Gras from Sydney, I guarantee you will see Albanese skipping down Todd Mall.

Police patrols at the streets of Alice Springs. Picture: Pema Tamang Pakhrin

Crime is one of the few growth industries in this mendicant jurisdiction, where Labor has been in power for all but four of the last 23 years. A survey by the Australian Bureau of Statistics released this month revealed Territorians are twice as likely as other Australians to be the victim of violence and four times more likely to have their homes burgled. The NT also has the highest rates of violence and property damage in the country.

Forget calling the police for help. The NT Police Force is experiencing record attrition rates, with officers resigning en masse in disgust at the administration’s treatment of former constable Zachary Rolfe, who was acquitted by a jury in 2022 on charges of murder and manslaughter following the shooting of an Indigenous man who had stabbed him.

Last year, the NT became the first Australian jurisdiction to raise the minimum age of criminal responsibility from 10 to 12 years. This is progressivism in motion. It means 10-year-old Indigenous youths driving stolen cars through Alice Springs can do so scot-free for another two years.

Attorney General Chansey Paech. Picture: Zizi Averill

These laws were championed by Deputy Chief Minister and Attorney-General Chansey Paech, a former LGBT activist who possesses no legal qualifications. Hailing the passing of this legislation in 2022, he declared it was part of a broader strategy to adopt “smarter solutions” that would “break the cycle of reoffending,” and “keep the community safe”. Seriously, this bloke is the Chris Bowen of crime prevention.

Then there is Chief Minister Eva Lawler. Speaking in February at the redeveloped Alice Springs Youth Detention Centre, she bizarrely segued into linking youth crime with Britain’s practice of transporting convicts to Australia. No, for the life of me I cannot work out why the NT criminal justice system is a basket case.

But back to the Prime Minister. When he returns to Alice Springs, he could take Indigenous Australians Minister Linda Burney with him. Just last month she declared on social media: “The Albanese Labor Government is making real progress on the ground in Central Australia”. What is the punchline, Minister?

Unlike last time, Albanese could talk at random to people in Alice Springs and not exclude the media. He could tell the locals how a voice to parliament could have prevented last week’s mass rioting. To use a couple of his favourite platitudes, he might tell them they are remiss in not engaging in respectful dialogue with the oldest continuous culture in the world.

But above all, Albanese should repeat what he said in January 2023, when it was suggested he send reinforcements from the Australian Federal Police to help their NT colleagues. Dismissing that call, he said the “solution wasn’t just to lock more people up,” he said.

Do us a favour, Prime Minister, and select the Todd Tavern as your venue for lecturing the locals. I will gladly donate $5000 to the ALP for the privilege of being there when you do. And there is no need to supply me with a fancy dinner. All I require is a schooner of the usual and a packet of beer nuts.