Daniel Andrews is a man of many talents. Foremost among them is his remarkable ability to keep a straight face at press conferences, particularly when making statements so demonstrably false they would cause a Qantas refunds officer to blanch. For example, when announcing his resignation last week, the Victorian Premier insisted he would be at arm’s length when the party chose his successor.
“It is a matter for [my] colleagues and I am deeply respectful of that process,” he told journalists, stressing he would “not have a vote other than as a local member”.
Never mind that Andrews, in resigning suddenly, had blindsided party rivals to maximise the Socialist Left faction’s chances of installing his deputy, Jacinta Allan, and Treasurer Tim Pallas, as premier and deputy premier respectively.
Unfortunately for the Trot-trio, the party’s minority Right faction returned their shenanigans in kind when employment and industry minister Ben Carroll announced he would contest the leadership.
That would have meant caucus and the 12,000 members of the party’s Victorian division deciding the outcome, a process that would have taken weeks and left the government in disarray.
It was averted only when Carroll withdrew his challenge in return for being given the deputy premiership. Allan and Pallas’s factional colleagues were furious, claiming this was always Carroll’s intention, as he would have known from the start he did not have the numbers for either position.
Be assured though that Andrews did not interfere and was deeply respectful of the process at all times, at least according to the dictionary of Dan-speak. He “went completely berserk”, according to one unnamed Labor MP. “I don’t think I’ve seen him have a hissy fit like that,” said another. And from a third: “His rant was second to none. It was f..king this, f..king that”.
As The Age reported, “Another witness said Andrews had complained that his send-off was being clouded by party machinations”. One shudders at this appalling treatment of the Member for Melba, I mean Mulgrave. Truly, no Victorian has suffered so during the last few years.
But across the country and in the capital, the prominent hailed him. Andrews, said Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, “has built an extraordinary legacy that will endure for generations”.
Indeed he has. Victoria’s gross debt is forecast to reach $239 billion by 2026-27. Former Victorian premier Steve Bracks effusively claimed that Andrews will be seen as the “state builder”. State bankrupter more like it.
As for the reaction on social media to Andrews’ resignation, all I will say is that lockdown fetish is still a thing in Victoria. His departure has caused much distress for these already deranged individuals, and I fear that even the commissioning of an Andrews statue will not be enough to assuage their grief. Perhaps to placate them the new government should announce a new annual public holiday to thank Andrews for keeping Victorians safe. It will make for some very interesting commemorative ceremonies, for example, confining citizens to their homes, police firing rubber bullets at violators, and handcuffing pregnant pyjama-clad mothers in their homes.
It is downtime for Andrews in the short term, but as we know from history great men are ill suited to the quiet life. There is also the question of how the former leader of Australia’s most progressive state will supplement his modest $300k annual pension. Andrews dropped a hint in this respect last week when he said his post-premiership roles could involve “trying to support Victoria to be strong and to be leading our nation.”
No doubt Andrews will emerge from retirement after just a few months to say he feels he “still has something to give”. Lectures on good governance and fiscal restraint as an adjunct professor, perhaps? My bet is he will join the ranks of Victoria’s eight overseas-based trade commissioners. Mind you, others would also be keen to snap him up. Given his political affiliations and incredible prevarication skills, he would be an ideal fit as chief public relations officer at the Wuhan Institute of Virology.
As for the new premier, she has hit the ground running and promptly fallen flat on her face. Her first parliamentary day as leader was an ignominious one, following the revelation she and Assistant Treasurer Danny Pearson had no prior knowledge of a new property tax announced by Pallas that morning at a Property Council breakfast.
And as reported today, the Premier faces questions about whether she misled a parliamentary committee on June 14 when, as responsible minister, she stated that “tremendous progress” was being made on the 2026 Commonwealth Games. This took place only one day before Andrews notified Allan he would be engaging law firm Arnold Bloch Leibler to rescind the government’s agreement to host the event.
The compensation alone for that breach of undertaking cost Victorian taxpayers $380 million. But that is pittance compared to the wild fluctuations of Jacinta-nomics. During Allan’s tenure as infrastructure minister, costs for projects exceeded their original estimates by more than $20 billion.
As The Age reported last month, Allan is responsible for the largest blowout in construction costs that any transport minister has overseen in the state’s history. The latest estimate for the 90km Suburban Rail Loop project, originally budgeted in 2018 at upwards of $50 billion, now stands at $200 billion.
Not that Allan wanted to talk about that during her first day in the top job. All smiles and a tad teary, she told journalists she hoped her appointment would send a message to aspiring female leaders. “Young women have talked to me about my journey and how they can learn from that,” she said.
I am sure they already have learned. Last year, when estranged Victorian Labor MP Kaushaliya Vaghela featured in a Herald Sun interview in which she accused Andrews’ office of bullying and misogyny, Pallas responded by questioning her state of mind. The next day, Allan, along with three other female Labor MPs – including then minister for women Gabrielle Williams – dutifully stood behind Andrews at a carefully choreographed level crossing removal press conference. You could say it sent a very strong message to women, young and old.
Unlike her predecessor, Allan will not enjoy the luxury of having a deputy who is unfailingly loyal. If you were an Andrews confidante, he would probably tell you Carroll is a treacherous sneak and that his obsessive ambition and opportunism render him unfit for higher office.
It puzzles me why Andrews was so put out by Carroll’s tactics. If anything, he should feel chuffed. As they say, imitation is the sincerest sort of flattery.
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