Coming soon: Willy Wonka’s carbon neutral, vegan chocolate factory

Willy Wonka and the Oompa Loompas from film 'Charlie and The Chocolate Factory'.

A question for those of you who read the Roald Dahl classic Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when you were children: were you preoccupied with what the Oompa Loompas had between their legs? I can only assume it must be an issue, because Puffin Books, the children’s division of the publisher Penguin Random House, has decreed these characters will be gender neutral in future editions.

The relevance of this – ahem – alteration is mystifying. It will be interesting to learn how these changes will be incorporated in the plot. My first thought was that Willy Wonka, the owner of the chocolate factory, still rescues the characters from their native land. But I assume their peril in the new edition takes the form of the fearful Hornswogglers, Snozzwangers, and Whangdoodles misgendering the poor things and addressing them by their dead name. Or it could be the Oompa Loompas possessed an excessive libido and that Wonka forcibly neutered them. Harsh, but admittedly the last thing this manufacturer needed in his complex and highly controlled factory was a bunch of randy midgets.

This new edition sees more than eighty changes. A few examples: the child glutton Augustus Gloop is no longer “enormously fat” but “enormous”. The reference to young Mike Teavee displaying “eighteen toy pistols of various sizes hanging from belts around his body” has been removed. “That crazy Indian prince” now reads “that ridiculously rich Indian prince”. As for that spoiled brat Veruca Salt needing a “a good kick in the pants,” Grandpa Joe merely observes “She needs to learn some manners”.

Augustus Gloop is no longer ‘enormously fat’ but ‘enormous’.

And confronting authoritarian references such as “Mr Wonka turned around and clicked his finger sharply, click, click, click, three times” are no more.

All of Dahl’s books are undergoing a woke makeover. As was reported this week, Puffin and the Roald Dahl Story Company collaborated to make “hundreds of changes” along with Inclusive Minds, an organisation which according to co-founder Alexandra Strick “aim(s) to ensure authentic representation, by working closely with the book world and with those who have lived experience of any facet of diversity”.

Enter Puffin’s “sensitivity readers”. Until this week this occupation was unknown to me, but nonetheless I am certain its members are vibrant and dynamic types who know exactly how to captivate young minds while not leading them astray. It has to do with lived experience, you see.

To put this in perspective, Dahl flew numerous combat missions with the Royal Air Force during the Second World War. In addition to witnessing many of his squadron die, he was severely injured. Admirable as his service was, he never volunteered to serve in the diversity corps. As such it is essential that sensitivity readers peruse Dahl’s works to ensure they, especially given the author’s limited lived experience, do not inadvertently cause offence.

As a spokesperson for the Roald Dahl Story Company said this week regarding the changes: “Our guiding principle throughout has been to maintain the storylines, characters, and the irreverence and sharp-edged spirit of the original text”.

British novelist, short story writer, poet, screenwriter and fighter pilot Roald Dahl.

Witness for example a new addition to The Witches. Dahl’s detailing that witches are bald beneath their wigs now has the rider: “There are plenty of other reasons why women might wear wigs and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.”

Incredibly irreverent and sharp-edged prose, wouldn’t you say?

As Puffin now specifies in all of Dahl’s works: “This book was written many years ago, and so we regularly review the language to ensure that it can continue to be enjoyed by all today.” Thank goodness, because no-one would enjoy his books if it were not for Puffin’s censorship. After all, Dahl has sold only 250 million copies worldwide. In 2021 Forbes magazine rated him the top-earning dead celebrity. Clearly, he was well on the way out before Puffin instituted these changes.

What tosh. The real ‘problem’ is that Dahl is a dead white male whose books remain enormously popular long after his demise. This amounts to a progressive conundrum in the literacy world, and Puffin’s changes are a poorly disguised coping mechanism.

Through gradually amending his writings by omitting certain words and even adding passages that were not penned by the author, this egotistical and activist mindset rationalises that the credit for the high sales belongs to the revisionists.

But inevitably this process is self-defeating. Eventually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will cease to be a book by Roald Dahl. It will instead be a book based on a book by Roald Dahl. Could it get any sillier?

A scene from The Witches.

If anything, the changes have done much damage to the poor Oompa Loompas, who already have an undeserved rap. Their po-faced manner does not help, and neither does their penchant for lecturing lesser creatures on their shortcomings. If you did not know better, you could think at first they would make an ideal sensitivity reader. That perception is unwarranted. Oompa Loompas do have a sense of humour, and what’s more their work is invaluable.

Unfortunately, they work long hours and for little reward. They appear unable to leave the factory, and their paltry remuneration consists solely of cocoa beans. Puffin, which had an opportunity to improve their lot, has made an already bad deal even worse with its changes. Instead of ensuring the Oompa Loompas are paid a proper wage it has removed their beans, so to speak.

As for where the Wonka tale will be framed, God knows. “Hello children and welcome to Wonka’s, the place that makes the world’s best vegan chocolate. We ask that you check your white privilege before entering. Once inside we will begin the tour with a three-hour information session on how we came to be CO2 neutral. Yes, Ms Veruca, I will meet all your demands, no matter how unreasonable. For it is not up to me, a male, to police a woman’s behaviour.”

That sound you hear is young Charlie Bucket screaming. Having opened the Wonka Bar wrapping, he has discovered to his horror that a golden ticket is inside.