Anthony Albanese asks for a second chance and the STC debuts a doozy: The Mocker’s 2024 predictions
January: Defence Minister Richard Marles announces that the government has provided the Royal Australian Navy with the necessary equipment to protect its personnel from sonar attacks by People’s Liberation Army Navy vessels.
“We will thwart our adversary by using his own technology against him,” says Marles. “I cannot wait to see their faces when they discover our divers have been issued with Chinese-made noise cancelling headphones.”
February: As the High Court adjourns to consider the lawfulness of federal legislation regarding the monitoring of violent unlawful non-citizens, Home Affairs Minister Clare O’Neil angrily denies the government has once again failed to prepare for an adverse decision.
“On the contrary,” she says, “I will immediately instruct our lawyers to appeal to the Privy Council should we lose.”
March: Clare O’Neil concedes she has no contingency plan following the court’s decision against the Commonwealth but says the previous government is entirely to blame. “At no time during the
handover in 2022 did Opposition Leader Peter Dutton inform me that it is no longer possible to appeal a High Court decision,” she says.
Meanwhile other ministers insist every member of the Albanese government is hardworking and focusing solely on matters affecting everyday Australians. “It is not as if we’ve been assigned to pointless niche issues,” says Assistant Minister for the Republic Matt Thistlethwaite.
April: In response to a Newspoll revealing Labor faces a net loss of 30 seats at the next election, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese appeals to the public for a second chance.
“We’ve made mistakes, but so do all first-term governments,” he says. “And it’s not like any of us has the advantage of prior ministerial experience, apart from Tanya Plibersek, Penny Wong, Richard Marles, Bill Shorten, Jason Clare, Katy Gallagher, Tony Burke, Don Farrell, Mark Butler, Chris Bowen, Catherine King, Mark Dreyfus, Brendan O’Connor, Julie Collins, Justine Elliot, Malarndirri McCarthy, and me.”
May: Communications Minister Michelle Rowland says Labor will safeguard the integrity of the draft Combating Misinformation and Disinformation Bill by appointing a panel of three independent fact commissioners to oversee the Australian Communications and Media Authority.
“I am delighted to announce those positions will be filled by Professor Tim Flannery, Professor Bruce Pascoe, and Dr Norman Swan,” says Rowland.
June: Alumni of the International Union of Socialist Youth convene for a three-day conference in a luxury Lausanne resort, on the shores of Lake Geneva, Switzerland.
“We must remain true to ourselves if we are to realise worldwide social justice in our lifetime,” says keynote speaker and former IUSY president Dame Jacinda Ardern.
July: The Sydney Theatre Company announces that there will be no repeat of actors using curtain calls to show solidarity with Palestinians.
“I want to assure all patrons, donors and theatre goers, particular those in the Jewish community, that our revised code of conduct forbids appropriating the stage for one’s political agenda,” says a spokeswoman. “We do not want anything to mar the opening night of our new production ‘From the River to the Sea’.”
August: Following a heated press conference over the increase in the number of asylum-seekers landing in Australia by boat, government frontbenchers Penny Wong, Tanya Plibersek, and Katy Gallagher deny it was sexist of Attorney-General Mark Dreyfus to yell at a female journalist: “You will cease making hysterical accusations and hold your tongue when spoken to by the First Law Officer, you incorrigible shrew”.
September: In a surprise move, Peter Dutton promises the Opposition will, if elected, reduce household energy prices by at least 50 per cent within three months of assuming government.
“The way this works is straightforward and effective,” he says. “The Coalition will retain Chris Bowen as Energy Minister. Only this time his brief will be to increase power prices as much as possible. Need I say more?”
October: Banks report the rate of mortgage foreclosures is at its highest since 1990. Prime Minister Manasseh Sogavare says his decision to allow for a Chinese military base in the Solomon Islands will “bring peace and prosperity to the Pacific”. A survey of Jewish-Australians reveals over 75 per cent no longer feel safe in their own homes due to rising antisemitism.
In response, Anthony Albanese reiterates that his government is firmly committed to a 43 per cent reduction in C02 emissions by 2030 and says he will fly to Reykjavik, Iceland to inspect Langjökull Glacier.
November: Treasurer Jim Chalmers announces he will double his efforts over the summer break to bring mortgage relief to homeowners, following the Reserve Bank’s decision to raise the cash rate to 5.35 per cent.
“My 12,000-word essay will critically re-examine the concept of capitalism as an economic panacea,” he says, adding his latest inspiration is a quote from the ancient Greek philosopher Democritus: ‘Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, but dwells in the soul’.
December: “That’s it from us at the Lodge”, says a smiling and relaxed prime minister. “Chloe and I wish all Australians a merry Christmas and a happy new year.”
Likewise, everyone. See you next year.
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