Albanese: Thanks for coming, everyone. I won’t sugarcoat this. Defence-wise, we are barely treading water, and Donald Trump has just raised the periscope right up our clacker. It looks like AUKUS is cactus.
(Collective gasp)
Albanese: This is bad. You don’t need me to tell you what this could mean.
Tanya Plibersek: We’d be at the mercy of foreign enemies?
Albanese: Worse than that, we’d lose government!
Katy Gallagher: Can I just say, though, as a member of Labor Left, that AUKUS was a stupid decision in the first place.
Albanese: Why?
Gallagher: Because it’s morally wrong to arm our subs with nuclear weapons, that’s why!
Albanese: Katy … No, on second thoughts, forget it. Anyway, let’s be clear about who’s to blame for this setback, and that’s Trump.
Penny Wong: One hundred per cent.
Jim Chalmers: Can we agree it wasn’t the brightest idea to publicly denigrate Trump just to score points against the Coalition?
Albanese: Jim, apart from Kevin, Penny, Murray, Bill, Jason, Brendan, Clare, Chris, Don, Tanya and me, none of us got on the anti-Trump bandwagon. On the contrary, this government has been a good friend to the US.
Pat Conroy: And a loyal one, Albo.
Albanese: Steadfastly loyal, Pat. Shoulder to shoulder. We do everything possible to help.
Conroy: Exactly. Just like two years ago when the US asked us to send a warship to the Red Sea, and we immediately stepped up.
Albanese: Straight away. We sent not just one naval officer but two. And this is how Trump thanks us?
Michelle Rowland: Albo, bad as it looks, AUKUS is not sunk yet. It depends how far we’re willing to go to save it. We know Trump hit it off with your predecessor. It’d cause a ruction, but have you thought of sending ScoMo to Washington to replace Kevin?
Albanese: Forget it, Michelle. A defenceless Australia I can live with. The wrath of Kevin I cannot.
Rowland: Would he really be that bad?
Wong: Google “Rudd”, “Gillard”, “Washington”, “2012” and “total shitstorm”.
Rowland: Yeah, fair point.
Albanese: Moving on. I’ve asked the Defence Minister …
Richard Marles: The Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Minister.
Albanese: I’ve asked Richard to brainstorm our collective wisdom and come up with a contingency plan.
Marles: Thank you. Let me start with the basics. The ADF has a very important role. It must at a moment’s notice be able to handle my golf clubs anywhere in the world …
Albanese: Eh?
Marles: Sorry, the ADF must be able to handle global conflict anywhere in the world. I ask you to consider this question. What is the biggest threat to the ADF and the civilised world in general?
Burke: Israel?
Albanese: Try to remember you’re addressing cabinet, Tony, not your constituents.
Burke: Sorry, Albo.
Marles: Imagine this scenario. Just say a massive Chinese naval fleet is approaching Australia’s east coast –
Clare: Could we be confident we would detect them in time?
Marles: Absolutely. We have a first-rate, state-of-the-art, cutting-edge surveillance system.
Clare: Otherwise known as what?
Marles: Qantas and Virgin.
Clare: That’s it?
Marles: Back to my hypothetical. Our analysts conclude an invasion is imminent and that PLA troops will land on our shores within 48 hours. What’s our response?
Watt: We immediately announce we have commissioned Stephen Smith to conduct a second defence strategic review, to report within nine months.
Albanese: Like your thinking, Murray, but he’s our man in London. And I’ve made my position very clear on party sinecures: only one at a time.
Marles: Who else, then?
Watt: Bob Carr?
Albanese: What, to head the welcoming committee?
Marles: Moving on. As news of the invasion fleet becomes public, panic erupts. What’s our response?
Chris Bowen: We release a statement saying the nine years of delay, denial and dysfunction we inherited from our predecessors is entirely to blame for this situation.
Marles: Well said, Chris. Add to that: “The Albanese government’s first priority is protecting Australia.”
Murray Watt: Better still: “The Albanese government will continue to protect Australia.”
Marles: Love it. Now I want to talk about our fallback when the invasion makes headway. It’s similar to a Curtin government contingency plan in World War II. You’re all familiar with the Brisbane Line, I take it?
Gallagher: The footy team?
Rowland: We’re not going to draw a line across the continent and abandon everything north of Brisbane, surely?
Marles: No, not at all. It’s a toss-up whether it’ll be the Sydney Line or the Melbourne Line.
Julie Collins: What about the Launceston Line? Bass Strait would be a bugger for any invasion fleet.
Marles: Good thinking, Julie. Albo, you’re clear on what you have to do when the fighting starts?
Albanese: Clear as daylight. I announce we’re starting negotiations.
Jason Clare: Negotiating terms for our surrender?
Albanese: No, negotiating with the Americans. We propose they come to our rescue and in return we immediately up our defence spending from 2.05 per cent of GDP to 2.06 per cent.
Marles: Excellent. But if the unthinkable happens and the Americans refuse to bail us out, we will have to consider conscription.
Clare: I agree with that. But on behalf of Tony, Chris, Ed and me, I’d ask you exempt our electorates from a call-up.
Marles: No way. How could we justify that?
Clare: Do you really think it’s a good idea to issue an assault rifle to every adult male in Western Sydney?
Marles: Note to self, shut up.
Plibersek: Albo, about conscription – many of us here, particularly during our student days, would have bitterly opposed such a measure if it were introduced. How would it look if we brought in conscription when we are safe and secure in some government bunker, well away from the fighting?
Albanese: That’s easy, Tanya. Repeat after me: “We’re all in this together”.
*According to the Mocker, who can never be taken seriously.
Albanese living in the past as Carney, Starmer, Zelensky get ahead
Anthony Albanese didn’t get his meeting with Donald Trump at the G7 summit. Yet three leaders who faced similar challenges as Australia found a way to overcome them.
‘Rejoice!’ Trump is winning, but why won’t he embrace it?
I’ve been mentally replaying the moral belligerence of Thatcher and Reagan since Israel began its great war for democratic security.
Following the decision by the Trump administration to review AUKUS, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese convenes an emergency cabinet meeting.*