Etiquette to handle the buzz of group texting

Group texting inspires a certain love-hate feeling, and can be etiquette minefield.

Some group texters thrive on introducing controversial or mundane subjects. Picture: iStock.

Chris Scott doesn’t mind when his iPhone vibrates to signal a text has arrived. But when it buzzes a second time — or a third and a fourth — he shudders. It’s the sure sign of a group text, a single message blasted to two or more people. Recipients often respond more than once, quickly amounting to a dozen unread messages.

“It’s a flurry of texts and I’m getting all of this information and I can’t keep up,” says Scott, 32, who works in non-profit communications in Boston. He is never sure when or how to join in. “Am I supposed to write ‘first name, comma’ to the person I am addressing? Am I addressing everybody?” he asks. “It stresses me out.”

Group texting seems to inspire a certain love-hate feeling. It’s an efficient way to plan a gathering or keep in touch with close friends and family. It’s more immediate than email, less time-consuming than the phone. It is also an etiquette minefield. Messages may arrive in rapid succession, landing in the middle of the workday or overnight. Conversations rarely start or finish and instead become an endless stream of mundane questions or random thoughts.

Some group texters thrive on introducing controversial or mundane subjects. A response — or, worse, a lack of response — creates new problems. And leaving a group text isn’t as easy as just unsubscribing; it comes with the risk of alienating friends.

“For such a little thing, it has so many pitfalls,” says Lizzie Post, author and spokeswoman for the Emily Post Institute and great-great-granddaughter of the famed American etiquette scribe.

More than nine out of 10 people with a smartphone use a text or messaging app, according to Simmons Research. Nearly a third of smartphone users send at least 95 messages a week in the form of a text, picture or video. Some of the heaviest users, more than one in six, send 23 messages a day.

Jen Reiber Walsh, an event planner in San Francisco, has more than 10 group texts going at the moment. She likes using some of them to share “life updates” including photos of her children. “It’s very, very casual,” the 33-year-old says of group texting. “And it’s more intimate than a social media post.”

Group-texting apps such as GroupMe help manage notifications. Mike Marra, 35, a New York lawyer, used his iPhone’s “Do Not Disturb” option to get a handle on a group text with high school friends. He found their play-by-play of every Mets baseball game distracting, he says, and he didn’t need to witness the “minutiae of everyday life”. But that didn’t solve the problem. “I would come back and see there were 276 unread messages,” says Marra. So he left the group. One year later, his friends are still giving him a hard time about it. “They have specifically berated me for being too good for the group text,” Marra says.

Other than organising gatherings, Crissy Milazzo, 25, a writer in Los Angeles, says she prefers to stick to topics appropriate for a dinner party. Recently a friend texted a comment to the group about registering to vote as a Republican. The texting thread erupted. “It was a mess,” she says. “If there’s something you feel like is going to be an argument, take it outside a group text.”

Milazzo also encourages group texters to read previous messages before introducing a new topic. She recalls the time a friend shared some bad news and another participant jumped in with a text about wanting a pumpkin-spice latte.

The worst fate is when someone in the group sends a text and no one responds. Milazzo recently tweeted about this phenomenon: “Does Everyone In The Group Text Hate Me Or Do All My Friends Just Have Jobs: A Memoir”. She has a more harrowing theory: “It’s like, is everyone talking about me in another group text?”

Sending an individual text message to someone in the group to talk about another member may seem catty, says Sophia Benoit, 23, who lives in Los Angeles. But sometimes people do it out of concern. It’s the digital equivalent of when, in the middle of an in-person group gathering, two people make eye contact to communicate silently.

Benoit says her family has a group text; her mother likes to text the group when she is on a plane and about to take off. Benoit’s favourite group text is with her roommates: it’s purely informational, about fixing the kitchen cabinets or when the shared parking space is free. “Nobody is trying to prove anything,” she says.