Barefoot Investor: My dropkick brother-in-law feeds off me like a parasite

My brother-in-law has it sorted - mail-order bride, living rent-free, demanding lavish gifts and refusing to pay back a $10k loan he lost on the stockmarket. Here’s Barefoot Investor’s advice to a fed up woman.

Scott Pape is The Barefoot Investor. Picture: Jason Edwards

“Jeez, mate … what the hell happened to you?” I said to Benny, an old farmhand I once employed.

He’d shed so much weight since I last saw him that he looked like he’d been kidnapped by a pack of Pilates instructors.

“You been getting the Hollywood Shot?”

Blank stare.

“You know … Ozempic?”

More silence.

He shrugged. “Nah, mate. I just don’t eat after 5pm.”

“That’s it?”

“Yep. I used to binge on crap and drink too much at night. So I made that rule. And I’ve stuck to it for the best part of a year”, he told me.

Winner, winner, (no) chicken dinner!

Now Benny has unintentionally stumbled upon something pretty profound: the power of personal rules. A simple, clear-cut rule can short-circuit the endless decision-making process and make life easier.

This is exactly the thinking behind the mega-bestseller Atomic Habits by James Clear. His philosophy is simple: instead of focusing on goals, focus on your identity.

“Every action is a vote for the type of person you want to become”, he says. And the best way to cast those votes? By making your habits automatic.

For years I’ve applied this thinking to money. I don’t rely on willpower – instead I’ve created my own Money Rules. These are automatic, non-negotiable rules that keep our finances (and my sanity) in check.

Let me share a couple with you:

We (still) go on a Date Night on the first Tuesday of every month

Yes, the same day as the Reserve Bank meeting (super romantic). But, despite having four kids under 11 and a life that’s a total shemozzle, we make it happen.

Every action is a vote for the type of relationship we want, and a monthly Date Night is a vote that we’re connected, committed, and eating food that hasn’t been touched by tiny fingers.

We buy shares every month

On the day after our Date Night, I buy shares (index funds of course). Some months it’s a lot, some months it’s a little. The point? I’m an investor, so I invest. I don’t try to time the market. I just stick to the habit.

Scott Pape says a regular Date Night is a great opportunity for couples to discuss their finances.

We give every month

Giving isn’t just about charity – it’s about breaking the chains of materialism, feeling grateful, and ensuring our kids don’t grow up to become contestants on MAFS. Talking about giving is as normal in our family as talking about spending.

We can spend $400 without asking each other

Liz and I famously share the same bank account. That can at first sound kind of creepy, but we do it because it forces us to have chats about money (like when Liz is at the hairdresser and suddenly realises there’s not enough in the account). We’ve set a $400 no-questions-asked spending limit. Anything over that, we chat about on Date Night. It works for us, but let’s be clear – joint accounts aren’t for everyone, especially in abusive relationships.

We don’t stress over omelettes

Even after nailing all the Barefoot Steps, I can still catch myself sweating the small stuff – like spending two hours researching a $45 omelette-maker, or spiralling into a pit of despair from copping an excess baggage fee on good old ‘Onestar’.

So, I created a ‘forget about it number’: if it’s under $100, I let it go. My time and sanity are worth more than a few bucks, and yours probably are too.

Benny, my old farmhand gets it: one simple rule changed his life. No fancy diet apps, no expensive medication – he made a decision once, and then let his rules do the rest.

Now it’s your turn.

On your next Date Night, create your own Money Rules. What spending makes you happy? What decisions do you want to make automatically? What would make your daily life easier?

Remember, you become what you repeatedly do. Your rules, your identity.

Tread Your Own Path!

My Brother-in-Law is a Parasite – Help!

Scott,

My brother-in-law has it sorted – he has a mail-order bride, kids, and he’s living rent-free with my mother-in-law. Every Christmas and birthday, they expect us to buy them top-tier Apple gear (we once got their 10-year-old a $2000 iPad Pro). When we stopped funding their wishlist, he just blew his own money – then came to us for car repairs and other essentials.

I gave him a copy of your book, thinking it would help. He promptly asked for $10,000 to ‘invest’ in the stockmarket, which he has now lost. Recently I offered to pay him to do some odd jobs for me on the weekend he refused. Sadly, ceasing contact with said brother-in-law is not an option due to cultural issues which promote familial harmony. Do you have any suggestions?

Emma

Scott Pape has advice for how to handle relatives always asking for handouts.

Hi Emma,

Oh yes, I have suggestions.

Look, parasites thrive on guilt and obligation – which of course is code for ‘family harmony’. He doesn’t want your help – he wants a handout.

My view?

You’ve got to make peace with the fact that saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you a bad person – it just makes you someone who refuses to be financially manipulated. In other words, it’s time to bust out the bum chocolate (or combantrin, that’s what my kids call it anyway).

So the next time he comes asking for money, tell him:

“We’re always here to support family, but real support means helping each other stand on our own two feet. We’re happy to offer opportunities, but not cash.”

Will that work?

Yes, if you stick to your guns.

But beware: once he realises you’re no longer the easiest meal, he’ll move on to someone else in your family (good for you, bad for them). Because that’s the thing about parasites: they don’t starve – they just find another host.

The Fairy Floss Boss

Hi, my name is Theo. I want to start a fairy floss business. I’ve done a business plan but my mum called the insurance people and they said that they don’t give 10-year-olds insurance. I’m really disappointed. So I was wondering, is there another way to do it?

Thank you, Theo

Scott Pape has some advice for a young entrepreneur who wants to become the fairy floss boss.

Hey Theo

Mate, you are amaze-balls. The fact that you’ve gone to the trouble of writing out a business plan shows me how keen you are.

So here’s your first lesson in business: as an entrepreneur you’re going to run up against lots of people (like old squirrel nuts from the insurance company) who will tell you ‘no’ and explain all the reasons why something can’t be done. (It’s not their fault – these people really need some of your fairy floss, but all they have is the bamboo skewer up their behinds).

So here’s my advice:

Don’t listen to them. There is always a way.

In fact, let me give you three ways:

First, you could partner with an adult – like your mum! The business and insurance could be in her name, and you can still be the brains behind it all.

Second, you could partner with an existing business and sell your fairy floss at a local sweet shop, corner store, cafe, or online store.

Finally, you could sell your fairy floss at events – like school fetes, fundraisers or farmers markets – where the organisers already have their own insurance.

Or better yet, try all three!

I’ve got a good feeling about you, Theo.

Now unfortunately I’m trying to keep my blood sugars down (yes, I’m old), but my four little kids would totally inhale your fairy floss. So, last night at dinner, as they dutifully chewed their broccoli and chicken, they all unanimously agreed:

“We’d LOVE to be your first customers.”

Talk soon, Scott

DISCLAIMER: Information and opinions provided in this column are general in nature and have been prepared for educational purposes only. Always seek personal financial advice tailored to your specific needs before making financial and investment decisions.