A deluded boss's guide to functions

OCTOBER is when end-of-year drinks functions are planned.

Illustration: Sturt Krygsman

OCTOBER is when end-of-year drinks functions are planned.

I can see it now. The boss leans back in his chair (most bosses are male), summons those who need to be summoned and suggests a drinks function for late November.

The official reason for a drinks function is to thank staff, clients, consultants and other assorted hangers-on for their hard work throughout the year. That sounds plausible doesn't it?

But that's not what's going through the boss's mind. What's going through his mind is a mini movie of the drinks function where he is the centre of attention.

"Oh Mr CEO what a wonderful event." "Oh Mr CEO how clever you are for running this business." "Oh Mr CEO do tell us another joke."

How do I know that this is what is running through the boss's head? Well, it's because I have made a study of these events for much of my corporate career. And I have made a note of the boss's behaviour at such functions.

Here's how it works.

You get an invitation to a drinks function for 6 to 8pm with speeches at 7pm. The problem is that even if you arrive at 6.45pm to ensure that you have to suffer through only 15 minutes of excruciating small talk before speeches, the speeches do not actually start at 7pm as promised.

Do you realise how hard it is to steal a glance at your watch while chatting with someone?

I have perfected the technique: I wait until their gaze has shifted and then sneak a split-second look at my watch before their gaze returns. Whenever I get away with this I feel I'm living life on the edge.

The other way to check the time in a social situation is to glance at the wrist of the person you are speaking to.

Sometimes you have to read a clock face upside down but this merely adds to the challenge.

It's 7.10pm and still no sign of speeches. Where's the boss?

You scan the room; there he is at the centre of a throng of fawners, sycophants and other assorted courtiers laughing uproariously at his every witticism.

How can a balding paunchy middle-aged man with a bad case of dandruff and halitosis command such attention?

In an instant I get what's happening. The invitation said speeches at 7pm but the boss is having such a good time that he thinks everyone else is having a good time.

No, we are not having a good time. You are having a good time because you are the boss.

Can't you see that people who would normally dismiss you in a flash are fawning over your every word? Can't you see that?

And do you know I suspect that many bosses can see precisely that. But they lap it up anyway.

But of course I am being unfair. Some bosses are not like that at all. A lot are, but not you. You're different. You're a special boss. Or at least I'm giving you an out to think that you're different.

Some bosses at these functions are exceedingly diplomatic and are even on guard against those who would monopolise their time. Here's the modus operandi of a good boss at a drinks function: chat, chat, chat, move along, chat, chat, chat, move along. And they make sure they speak to everyone including the mailroom people.

That's how it's done. And if you say speeches at 7pm, then deliver speeches at 7pm. I have a limited capacity for small talk and after 30 minutes of drinking middle-aged people need to find a loo. So I am told.

Eventually there is a speech. Please make it short. Please make it short.

Look, it's not hard, Mr Deluded Boss. Thank everyone for their effort. Say a thing or two about the coming year. Make a piss-weak joke (to which everyone will laugh) and that's it. Easy.

Do not ramble. Do not single out a favoured person. Do not start speeches late. Is it over? Can I go now?

If I have made sure the right people have seen me do you think I can work my way to the back of the room and depart?

Done. I'm gone. I'm out of here.

KPMG Partner Bernard Salt was recently appointed adjunct professor at Curtin Business School.

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