Look out behind you, there’s a big, bad Brexit

It is the silly season in Australia — but in Britain, it’s the Christmas pantomime season.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn in parliament this week.

It is the silly season in Australia — but in Britain, it’s the Christmas pantomime season. And I found myself needing to explain to some of my young Aussie workmates exactly what a panto is...

Humour me, because this week, the panto was pulled right into Westminster’s houses of parliament by Prime Minister Theresa May — as if it isn’t already a panto in parliament — and in true panto style, it ended with chaos: cheers, boos and hisses all around with cries of foul play over Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn calling the Prime Minister a “stupid woman!”, something he categorically denies he did.

Now for those who have never been to a British panto with a couple of four-year-olds in tow it is steeped in tradition, back to 17th century harlequins: think Shrek or Toy Story on stage; a variety performance of a fairytale, typically Cinderella or Jack and the Beanstalk or Sleeping Beauty.

It’s renowned for big-bearded ugly sisters, dripping in double entendre and innuendo, with jokes that split the sides of both little people and grown-ups.

You can bet there’ll be a bucketload of Brexit send-ups. And huge audience participation from the get-go: water and hard-boiled sweets thrown into the seats in equal measure.

And two things that little people wait for expectantly — a big audience ding-dong of “oh yes he is!”, “oh no he isn’t”, which can be construed around anything in the plot; and secondly, a gag where a wicked creature appears behind our heroes and the audience cries “behind you”, but of course the wicked creature disappears by the time the heroes turn around. The gag runs exhaustively.

It was those gags that our intrepid Theresa May delivered to send up Jeremy Corbyn for his reluctance to mount a motion of no-confidence in the government.

“I know it’s the pantomime season,” she teased, “is he going to put a confidence vote? Oh yes he is!” and the backbench Tories rejoined “oh no he isn’t!”.

“Look behind you,” she pointed to the Labour backbenchers behind Corbyn. “They’re not impressed and neither is the country!”

But then the panto went into ad lib and very dangerous territory. “Stupid woman!” muttered Jeremy Corbyn under his breath. But did he or didn’t he? “Oh no I didn’t!” was Corbyn’s line, claiming he’d muttered “stupid people” under his breath, not stupid woman. “Oh yes he did!” came the cries from outraged Tory women, including those who had voted no-confidence in Theresa May themselves only last week.

“Oh no he didn’t!” decided speaker Bercow, who even after the lip readers had had a go, decided Corbyn should be given the benefit of the doubt. Boo, hiss! go the feminazis.

We are now officially under 100 days until the Brexit withdrawal date with preparations on both sides of the English Channel for a no-deal and Britain crashing out of Europe. We can only hope for a happy ending. That’s what happens in all the great pantomimes, after all. Come on Buttons, do something!

Ticky Fullerton presents Ticky at 5pm weeknights on Your Money.