Catch 22 and the NEG

Malcolm Turnbull, with Peter Dutton. Picture: AAP

“So have we got the numbers to get the company tax cut through the Senate next week?”

“No, Prime Minister.”

“Well that’s that then, there goes our economic policy. What about the NEG? Can that be an economic policy? We need another one.”

“Afraid not, Prime Minister, it’s starting to disappear too. The NEG has become a kind of Catch 22 — you know the one: if you’re crazy, you can be grounded, but if you ask to be grounded, then you’re not crazy, which means you have to fly more missions.”

“Yes, yes, I know that gag. But what’s it got to do with the NEG?”

“To get it through the parliament you need Shorten to agree, but if Shorten likes it, it must be crazy so Abbott won’t agree, whatever it is.”

“Yes I saw Abbott’s tweet the other day — that we have to create a contest on energy, not a consensus. Create? He actually said create! Can you believe that? The man’s got no shame.”

“Yes … I mean no, Prime Minister.”

“Well don’t just stand looking smug, Clive, think of something! I have to have an energy policy of some sort or else that meat pie Peter Dutton will have me!”

“Well it has occurred to me that we might be able to pull off a pea and thimble trick with the emissions reduction target.”

“Go on.”

“The thing is that Abbott and his friends don’t want the Paris Agreement targets hard-coded, as the programmers would say, into the NEG and Shorten and the Greens don’t want that either so they can change it later, so we could just take it out of the legislation. Make the target a ministerial decree but leak that the Paris target is to be dumped. I’ll use the word “dumped” when I leak it. Both sides will have to agree because it gives them what they want.”

(Pause)

“Abbott can’t be that stupid, can he?”

“Well, he told Ben Fordham he can’t support anything that entrenches the Paris targets …”

“ … even though he bloody well signed it!”

“That’s right. Remember that when Major Major in Catch 22 lied, he decided that was good because people who lied were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.”

“Well aren’t we just full of Joseph Heller today Clive! I seem to recall that Major Major never saw anyone in his office while he was in his office, and used to climb out the window, but Tony Abbott very definitely sees anyone, any time, in his office or anywhere else. (Pauses, stares out the window) He’s such a bastard. I hate him you know Clive.”

“You must focus, Prime Minister. The troops are restless. Abbott is getting some traction and if you don’t go hard right it will be 2009 all over again. We need to change the Paris target from legislation to regulation and leak that it’s being dumped, and then you need to come out with tough controls on electricity prices so you can say that that’s what you’ve always cared about most of all.”

“But do you think that will be enough?”

“Look, possibly not. The polling is not good. Dutton is counting. He’s close. We might need to actually dump the NEG entirely, or least make it so bad that Labor can’t possibly support it, and create a contest as Abbott says.”

“Dear God. Where’s Josh? I better talk to him.”

“I think he’s doing a door stop about that $5 million we’re giving to Steve Marshall for another large-scale battery.”

“Who?”

“The Premier of South Australia, Prime Minister.”

“Oh yes, of course. But what’s Josh doing that for? It’ll just drive more of the coal-lovers over to Dutton for heaven’s sake! Oh God, I think I’m going to faint. I need a drink.”

“Would you like me to get Lucy on the phone sir?”

“No, no, it’s OK, I’ll be all right. But I know what Yossarian meant when he said: ‘The enemy is anybody who’s going to get you killed, no matter which side he’s on.’”

“Quite true, Prime Minister.”

“And as for Dutton, he really is Major Major don’t you think? You know: ‘Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.’ I seem to recall that with Major Major it was all three, and that even among men lacking distinction he stood out as lacking more distinction than all the others. People who met him were always impressed at how unimpressive he was.”

“Yes, Prime Minister.”

Alan Kohler is Publisher of The Constant Investor