All in a day’s work for strutting Narev

THE Commonwealth Bank’s head teller, Ian Narev, put all his skills as a former child actor to good use at yesterday’s AGM in Melbourne, jettisoning the lectern in favour of strutting the stage as he delivered an earnest homily about the financial behemoth’s good works.

It had been a year, he said, “in which there have been many good achievements to reflect on”.

However, there was also that pesky financial planning scandal. Narev said he’d been to visit several victims, to speak with them and learn from them.

From behind Margin Call, a small voice piped up and delivered the line of the meeting: “Some of them have died.”

Perhaps Narev’s Ouija board got a workout.

Facing the music

THE pain was plain to see on the faces of Narev and chairman David Turner, as they endured hours of questions from activist groups, the Finance Sector Union and shareholders — many elderly — over everything from land rights in South-East Asia to the fate of the humble chequebook and the lack of a cup of coffee on entry to the meeting.

One shareholder even said of a mid-ranking CBA manager: “He goes home and kicks a dog in the guts at night, that’s the kind of bloke he is.”

Proving age doesn’t always diminish, 90-year-old retired accountant Francis Gilbert stepped to the microphone and demanded to know why no one had been sacked over the financial planning scandal.

He pointed out that there were five chartered accountants on the board.

“Like myself, they should be able to see the wood for the trees,’’ he said.

“Nobody seems to have lost their position. Can you answer why that hasn’t happened?”

Turner seemed to blame it all on the bank having a lot on their mind in 2008 and 2009 because of the global financial crisis when “there was just a huge amount going on” and the board was “deeply concerned with ensuring that the bank continued to exist”.

He didn’t explain how this covered bad behaviour by rogue planners during the boom times in 2007 before the GFC.

Skimming over details

AS the board of Australia’s biggest bank was enduring an epic of agony on the east coast, the ebullient Andrew Forrest was turning in another vintage performance at Fortescue’s AGM in Perth.

The Twig was partying like it was 2011, when the iron ore price hit record highs and his personal fortune was more than double today’s level.

He didn’t bother his acolytes in the audience at Perth’s Hyatt Regency with too many details of Fortescue’s share price woes.

And pretty much the sole reference to the shocking downturn in the iron ore market came at the end of the meeting.

“Let’s all go and have a cup of tea,” he told shareholders as they bolted for the refreshments. “But please put skim milk in it just to make sure we respect the iron ore price.”

They’ll never forget

IT’S been nearly six years since the ill-fated merger of Oxiana and Zinifex created OZ Minerals, and yet some people have clearly yet to forgive former Oxiana CEO Owen Hegarty.

While comfortably re-elected to the Fortescue board, he attracted more than 163 million votes against.

Then again, about 95 million votes were cast against Twiggy, who basically is Fortescue.

Medibank lockout

THE privatisation of Medibank Private looks set to swell CEO George Savvides’s pay packet from about $1.2 million to as much as $5m, but mum-and-dad investors are being locked out of a slice of the spoils by overzealous internet security.

Punters who log in to the share offer website in two separate windows or tabs are forbidden to proceed. All very well — except that even if you close all the windows and try again, it still won’t let you in.

Presumably institutional investors do not have to put up with any such indignities.

Investors are advised to reboot their computers — although Margin Call hears reports that doesn’t work either. [e-mail]