All’s not lost if you lose the plot, but be honest

Negative experiences are processed more thoroughly than good ones.

Let’s face it, work can be stressful. Whether the stress comes from deadline with a boss who stresses you out, or from feeling overwhelmed by your workload, the pressure can get to be too much. After one particularly frustrating meeting, you blow up at a colleague and lose your temper.

You might just want to chalk it up to a bad day and move on, pretending that nothing happened. But others likely won’t be so quick to forget. Negative experiences are processed more thoroughly than good ones, and negative impressions are quicker to form and harder to get rid of than positive ones. To recover from something like this, you’ll need to approach the situation with humility and intention. Here’s how to proceed.

The first step is to take an honest look at yourself. Was this a one-time experience, or was this something you’ve done on multiple occasions? If losing your temper is truly not the norm for you, people who have an established history with you will likely see it as something that was caused by situational factors. In that case, a sincere apology may be enough. However, if it’s something you do regularly, you’ll have a much steeper road ahead of you in terms of rehabilitating your reputation.

Ideally, you’ll do this as soon as possible after the occurrence, so you can lessen the amount of time that others might be stewing about it and discussing it with colleagues. Effective apologies have six components:

An expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, an acknowledgment of responsibility, a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair and a request for forgiveness.

To reduce the odds of losing your temper in the future, you’ll want to identify the factors that contributed to it. Do you need to do a better job of managing your stress overall? Do you tend to lash out when you feel attacked or vulnerable? Are there specific people who frustrate you? Were there personal issues that trickled over into work that made you more on edge?

For example, if you realise that you get upset when you feel others are attacking you, shift your perspective and recognise that diverse opinions help teams solve problems more effectively.

If you notice your emotions can get the best of you in a tense moment, practise deep breathing when you feel yourself tensing up, so you can calm your body and think more clearly in the moment.

If you want others’ perceptions of you to shift, you’ll need to demonstrate a more even temperament on a consistent basis. This is important, because due to confirmation bias, we tend to be more likely to recognise others’ behaviours that confirm our beliefs about them, as opposed to those that are at odds with them. What this means is that if you’re seen as a hothead, people will be much more likely to notice the one time you shouted and cursed at your colleague, as opposed to all the other meetings you were jovial and charming. Although it might not seem fair, it’s what you’ll need to do to change others’ perceptions of you.

When you have built strong relationships with those around you, they’ll be more likely to forgive the occasional misstep. In my consulting work with individuals in organisations, it’s not uncommon for me to hear co-workers being much more willing to excuse the odd blow-up from a colleague with whom they’ve built up a lot of social capital.

Finally, although you may have moved on quickly from the incident, others may not have. Therefore, even if you’ve been on your best behaviour for weeks, realise that it may take more time for others to believe the changes you’re exhibiting are real.

Harvard Business Review