Sun, sand, smiles? Sorry but the beach holiday has changed forever
We’re on the hunt to borrow/beg/join a weekender.
This is going to be so retro, we should pack card games, beach balls and a mob of kids into the station wagon and pretend the world is a sane place.
Yet things have changed since we last stayed at Aunt Mabel’s fibro beach shack and it’s not just the dunny that has morphed into the en suite. So let’s acquaint ourselves with some new rules surrounding the borrowed weekender.
First, it’s really hard to borrow a weekender in the summer holiday. Family landlords can be cajoled into lending it but you must promise to take their kids for the Easter holiday. Friends will be more difficult because this year they’re not skiing at Aspen but if they’ve ever said “You must come and stay”, this is the time to remind them of the invitation.
During your stay, the house will be worth hundreds of dollars a day. At least. Maybe you paid a bit, maybe you didn’t, but you must leave money for cleaners, leave the house so spotless the cleaners don’t have to come, leave a few bottles of champagne/chutneys and promise to mind their dog when they next go to Aspen. This holiday will cost you.
It seems counterintuitive but a lot of beach houses have a no-sand rule. This means you must wash sand off feet in outside showers, leave towels on the line and give hair a very good shake before entering the house from the beach.
If you breech the decontamination routine, the owners will know.
If you’re planning on a few spontaneous parties, remember the neighbours will know and they’re bound to tell the owners. So either keep the noise down or invite the neighbours to the party and incriminate them in the activities.
Home security cameras cost $299. Presume they’re there, somewhere. Don’t sneak your dog in, don’t peek in the cellar, and have a long think about showering outdoor in the nude.
If you decide to ask friends to join you for a few days and want to pass off the house as your own, do your research. Know what the council rates are, call the café owner by her name and don’t ask your partner where the salt and pepper shakers are kept.
Don’t be judgmental. If the house is swank, don’t walk around saying, ‘I can’t believe they have Gazzoozo salt and pepper shakers!’ If the house is a little tired, don’t say, I can’t believe they still have slate tiles in the bathrooms! When you write in the guest book, praise the décor as the height of good taste. And say thank you.
By the end of the holiday, you’ll no doubt visit the local real estate agent because you really, really want this to happen again.
Bad idea. Prices of holiday places are highest just after Australia Day weekend. Agents are desperate after losing a month’s income. And you must ask yourself, is it the holiday you want or the house?
When you join the traffic jam for the trip home, remind the family that this was a very special holiday when Australians stayed in their own country without tourists, without many expectations, without much virus but with the generosity of friends or family.
And remember, the Aunt Mabel holiday may not happen again for another half century.
Macken.deirdre@gmail.com
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This summer holiday will be like no other, if only because it will be like everyone else’s holiday. For the first time since the 1950s, Australians are planning to have the same holiday. They will stay local, bunk down in a beach house and because we’re not rich, it will be in someone else’s house.