Santa: the world’s greatest Covid superspreader

Father Christmas is an essential worker with an unfettered licence to travel.

Who’s been a naughty boy then?

Father Christmas operates the most seamlessly sophisticated data gathering and processing operation on the planet. Why are we so worried about the People’s Republic of TikTok when an old man has a list, that he’s fact-checked twice, of all the things people have done that are naughty and nice?

Imagine if he combined that information with the COVIDSafe app. He could create a Santa-tized contact tracing system that tells you the sins and secret desires of anyone within 1.5m.

Oh deer! The algorithm would link to Amazon and provide guaranteed reindeer delivery by Christmas Eve (or your milk back). Add Santa to the list of essential workers over Christmas. And you know he’s on the public service frontline because he wears a uniform, everyone takes him for granted and he’s paid in biscuits.

Just like Victoria, Santa’s list is still done with pen and paper. With the occasional fax and phone call by the elves (his subordinate clauses) to check children are at home. But wait — there’s myrrh. Bigger things are giving us (Santa) pause this silly season.

In the opening episode of the second season of tragi-priest-comedy Fleabag, the titular character’s sister Claire goes on a rant. “I think it’s all about positivity. It takes real commitment to be this happy. It’s not just drinking and eating well either. Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn’t make you a grown up,” espouses Claire (Sian Clifford), who has recently returned from Finland. “It f..king does,” Fleabag (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) interjects to camera, with resting Grinch face.

The Sightgeist, by Glen Le Lievre

That statement sleighed many millennials in the midst of their own private pine nut revolution. Aside from the holy guacamole, they are considered the caviar of nuts and saviour of sad Christmas salads (and possibly pasta). Except for those afflicted with pine mouth, also known as pine nut syndrome … a condition that has as many believers as Saint Nick.

According to NSW Health it’s real, but rare. “Eating pine nuts can occasionally cause some people to experience a bitter or metallic taste lasting from a few days up to 2 weeks … The pine nuts do not taste any different at the time, but after one to three days the bitter or metallic taste becomes apparent and is exacerbated by the consumption of food and drink.”

Imagine taking 50 5¢ coins and placing them in your mouth, one sufferer described the less than pine tastebud disturbance. More intense than the soap complaints by some consumers of coriander. And it can last for two to nine weeks.

The first documented case in scientific literature was in 2001 in the European Journal of Emergency Medicine. Important is few and far (peer-reviewed) between. Some reports suggest females may be more frequently affected than males. Others say you need to consume at least six nuts to bring on the aftertaste.

The NSW Food Authority began to receive calls (three, to be precise) to its helpline around mid-2009. France reported more than 3000 cases of pine mouth between March 2008 and January 2010.

NSW Health has little to offer by way of explanation. “The cause of pine mouth has not been determined, but several researchers have indicated that a particular species and source of pine nut, Pinus armandii exported from the Shaanxi and Shanxi regions of China, may be responsible for causing the symptoms.”

Do you think they have the luxury of pine mouth in North Korea? Perhaps not. But they do have one odd Boxing Day tradition. To mark the 10th anniversary of the politburo’s ties with the UK, an edited down version (112 minutes cut to 104) of Bend It Like Beckham was broadcast on state television on December 26, 2010.

The British Ambassador to South Korea, Martin Uden, said it was the “first ever Western-made film to air on television” in North Korea. Pity it wasn’t a better one.

Apologies, how Rude-olf me, Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.