It seems that everything can kill you these days

Sure, I swim closer to shore in February (peak time for bull sharks) but other than that, let it rip.

After doom-scrolling for the effects of microplastics, PFAS chemicals, pollution from my gas stove, fine particulate matter from exhausts and chemicals ingested from too much time lying on the stain-proof couch, I decided that when I die they’ll have to recycle me in the hard plastics incinerator.

Every time experts look at human tissue with new-fangled technology, they discover something that shouldn’t be there but has been there for decades and is impossible to eradicate except in that incinerator. Too late for someone who has been blithely accumulating the detritus of modern life for decades.

That’s when it occurred to me that I don’t have to worry about it. That is, my body is probably full of this stuff, it’s only going to get more of the stuff but it hasn’t done too much harm to date and so, with only a few more decades left on the actuarial chart, it won’t make much difference.

Obviously, we all have to worry about it for younger generations but once you reach an age where you are half Lego, it’s pointless to worry. This is very freeing because suddenly you can recalibrate health advice for your age group. (Warning, this is not medical advice, it’s just the musings of someone who is sick of worrying about health advice).

For my own purposes (not yours) I have devised a program of planned senescence, which like planned obsolescence, allows me to let go of various bibs and bobs at different times without too much worry.

Firstly, salt in the diet. So far, it hasn’t had any impact on my blood pressure so I’m not going to worry about it.

Sharks in the ocean. This is a stupid worry, one I remind myself about every morning. Sure, I swim closer to shore in February (peak time for bull sharks) but other than that, let it rip.

Lean protein. That’s in because I want to keep moving. Sometimes, lean protein includes bacon but only the skinny sort of bacon.

Fruit and vegetables. Again, I must persist if only to keep another part of the body moving. Some advice says mangoes and bananas are too sweet to be considered good fruit. I think that’s just fruit-ist.

Weight management. A health economist once told me, people should give up smoking by 33 years, take up exercise by 40 years but never get overweight because that is too hard to undo. Moreover, as you age the hips and knees get dodgier and they don’t need the extra burden of too many fries. Don’t give up.

Gum disease. Yep, if it just takes flossing and visits to a man with a large electric prod, it’s worthwhile to hang onto those teeth.

Botox. Maybe there should be a time limit there too. How else am I going to perfect the cranky old lady look?

Statins. They’re boring and you might not be super convinced about them but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt.

Mercury in fish. I’m not pregnant so I’m not worried. That’s another thing I don’t have to worry about — pregnancy — which is just as well because there are so many forbidden things when you’re pregnant.

Driving. Wear your glasses, steer clear of Double-Ds, keep haranguing the husband when he drives and it will be cool.

That covers the latest scares to mind and body but whenever a new one pops up I will sift it through my new system of risk assessment and as the years pass, I will be more generous. I should add, keep going to the doctor regularly. But she’s not going to like me when she sees this.

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