How to fail spectacularly at unboxing

It was four boxes, not one; the ASMR was dire; and completion took more than four hours: a shambolic unboxing.

Unboxing videos is “the most exciting experience online”.

Hello, welcome to my unboxing video. As keen followers of social media will know, filming the unwrapping of stuff that arrives at your front door is the most exciting experience online. It’s like your birthday, Christmas and your grandma’s will reading all rolled into one. But not all boxes arrive equal.

As you can see, this is a large box. Well, it’s four boxes actually and they are spread down the hallway because that’s where the delivery guys dropped them and no one in this house has been able to lift them since. So, the filming will be a bit squishy but here we go.

This is a piece of furniture. A sofa bed, in fact. It has a cute critter printed on the cardboard but that’s just to fool you. None of this exercise is going to be sweet. Or easy. There is no tissue paper, there are no personalised messages or inspirational quotes. Just 5-ply corrugated cardboard, slashed with duct tape.

Nevertheless, video rolling, volume up, we prepare to open the box. Viewers of these videos – and there are about 23 billion views for this stuff each year on YouTube – will know there is a soundtrack. Often this includes ASMR sounds like crackling paper, scrunching plastic, scissoring slices and whispered voices. All very spine tingling. Here’s what our ASMR sounds like …

“Where’s the box cutter? I thought you had it. Second drawer. Oh, that one’s rusty, will it still work? Get the scissors. No, not the nail scissors, try the shears. I suppose the hedge trimmer will do, step back. I didn’t know there were staples. We need pliers. This sticky tape is like metal. Oo ps, no that’s the plastic bag with the tool kit. Look how many screws, bolt things and plastic head things have fallen out. I’m sure we don’t need them all. Let’s keep cutting. Oh, that piece of paper you just cut might be important. Yep, it’s the instructions. Why are there no words on the paper, I’m not even sure which way is up. Still, there are only six pictures of instructions, this must be easy.”

The reveal is always the crescendo packed with tension, excitement and the release of joy. Oh merry, merry. Oh, fulfilment at last. Here’s our reveal.

“What’s that part? I think it might be the back of the lounge. Or the boards that go at the bottom. Does it have a name or number? No. Well, here’s a cushiony part, that must be the seat, right? It’s not big enough, you can’t sit on a throw pillow. Here’s the fabric drapes. Do we also have to upholster it? Oh, look, a giant steel rod … and it’s got lots of holes in it for those tools lying on the floor. Can I cry now?”

Keen viewers of funboxing know that videos generally last 90 seconds and shouldn’t last more than 10 minutes so we won’t film the whole four hours and 40 minutes of our endeavour to become furniture makers and ­remain married. I’ll cut to the final product ­review.

“Comfy right? Yeah, maybe a bit too squishy, do you think we should have used the steel rod, after all? No, it’s OK, on the left side. The right side is a bit wobbly but it didn’t take as many screws, remember. Yeah, how many screws did we have left over? Three or four. They were spares, I think. Would we recommend it? Umm. They said it would cost $250 for installation. I wouldn’t pay that, I’d pay $1000 and I’d kiss the guy on the way out. Might even marry him.

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