Breathing is easy … until it isn’t

Breathing. How often do you think about it?

I did it 22,000 times today. That means I’ve done it 530 million times since the obstetrician banged me on the back. I do it without thinking, which is probably my first mistake because now they tell me I’m doing it wrong.

Breathing. It goes in, it goes out, doesn’t matter how it gets in or out as long as it does. Except now James Nestor says it should only be in and out through the nose, not the mouth. It took him 304 pages to tell me that, which I suppose indicates the business of breathing is much more complicated than I thought. Really, it’s lucky I’m still alive.

So I’m practising breathing the right way – remembering “the nose is designed to breathe and smell, while mouths are for eating and speaking” - and wondering how the human body forgot the right way to do this.

And then I realised there are heaps of ways we’re not operating our bodies the right way. In fact, if you scan the local bookshop, you’ll ­realise that we’ve lost the instruction manual for most of the things that are meant to come naturally. As a species, we suck.

Take eating. The way we’re meant to eat changes every time new titles are delivered to book shops (roughly once a month). I won’t take you through all the ways we’re doing eating wrong, just trust me. You’re doing it wrong no matter which diet, eating program, what time you eat or what you consume, it’s wrong.

Thinking. You’re not just doing it fast or slow, you’re doing it wrong. We’ve forgotten how to concentrate. Stolen Focus, they call it. Social media stole our minds when we weren’t looking. Or maybe when we were looking, too much. You get the gist, if you’re still following this.

Running. You doing it barefoot, right? Wrong. That’s been poo pooed (poo is another thing we should have been paying attention to). How about those frog socks? They’re wrong too. If you think running comes naturally – like running away from a mammoth or chasing an antelope – you’re wrong. It has to be re-learnt, via a book. Or boot camp.

Sleeping. This too should be simple. Feel tired, lie down, close eyes. We can’t get that right either. So we buy a best-selling science-y book, go to a clinic, learn sleep hygiene and turn on ambient sounds of nature so we don’t get too stressed about another failure to operate. Even comfort doesn’t come naturally. Or rather it comes too naturally. Lying down on the couch in front of TV with a microwave meal has led to The Comfort Crisis, according to pizza-hating Michael Easter.

Comfort should only be sought after we have slain beasts, trekked the mountainous route home or wrecked the manicure during harvest. While we’re at it, we should learn how to listen properly and have a refresher on nature bathing.

For those wanting to bone up on how to operate a body, look for titles that begin with The Lost Art of … and you’ll find the topics ranging from running, listening, doing nothing, navigating and, even, dying.

That last one is a bit tough. Who knew we’d forgotten how to die properly. How do you practise for that? I hope no one thrusts a book about The Lost Art of Dying when I take my last breaths (probably through the mouth). But if I haven’t totally lost the ability to concentrate and if I still have the right fuel for my muscles, I’ll punch them in the nose and see how they like breathing then.

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