Be careful with Santa’s pronouns

Santa loves his body even if it can no longer fit down the chimney. Picture: iStock

It’s not too late to prepare yourself for the family Christmas (unless you’re a tardy reader and already living in regret).

This weekend, you must be calm, generous and empathetic, just like Jesus in his better moments. It also helps to be prepared. Here’s your prep list.

Conversations. When talking with youngsters, be careful with the Santa story. Do they still believe? Are they liturgy purists? And stop with the fat shaming. Santa loves his body even if it can no longer fit down the chimney. Be sensitive about titles – Santa or St Nick, maybe Papa Noel – and are you sure he is a he? Maybe Papa Noel prefers another pronoun.

When talking to young adults, keep it brief and don’t talk about property. You may think your renovations are hip, they think it’s a heist – a generational heist. And now is not the time to ask a young person for tech help. They haven’t posted on FB for years, Insta lost them in 2019, they were never on Twitter, Tik Tok is for tweens and you wouldn’t understand any of the memes in any case. If you have a list of compromised passwords, they’ll think you deserve to lose your rent roll.

Dialogue between those with kids and those without. It doesn’t matter what age the childless/free, they will comment on kids’ behaviour, they’ll gasp at the number of presents kids receive, they don’t appreciate kids interrupting conversations and think a reprimand is in order, not an answer.

Parents with kids should understand they can’t rearrange the furniture, determine what foods are in the buffet or what’s on TV or insist that Mariah Carey is a bad influence. (Then again, maybe they can win on the Mariah Carey ban).

General conversation. Politics is off the table. It’s okay to say Scott who? Let Americans sort out their Trump problem and, if you are of the persuasion, say a prayer for Ukraine. Other than that, do not mention climate. Actually, don’t talk about the weather either. Or the BOM. It’s okay to say, what bureau?

Dogs. Everyone will bring them. They’re part of the family and they look so adorable in their Santa outfits. Sure, they will snap when sticks are thrown around but, hey, so do the uncles when the Finska logs are thrown around. Don’t ask about the puppy of 2020 that seems to have disappeared or the old mutt that is getting hospice care so he can celebrate his 21st birthday.

Of course, the dogs need presents, geez.

What to bring. Bring a plate, but check allergies, philosophical objections, provenance, fair trade, whether the farm is regenerative and whether you sourced vegies from the Ugly stand.

Be prepared for a discussion about that turkey in the middle of the table. You’d better know how and where that ham was raised and whether the whole salmon was fed artificial dyes. Don’t do egg nog, unless it’s for Santa. Or the dog getting hospice care.

Keep Secret Santa secret. You don’t want your sister to know it was you that regifted the desk crumb blower. If she guesses (which on reflection is likely), you can give a sermon on the environmental benefits of recycling.

Games. These are perfect for unrelieved aggression and generational revenge. Note Finska is safer than cricket, trampolines are for kids and Marco Polo was the world’s first colonialist.

Toys. Get an electronic puppy ’cause you can’t have enough dogs. Singing Bluey will be a hit. Squishmallow, just for the name, and the toddler should have a Maserati ride-on car because Dad’s still waiting for his order to arrive. Desk crumb blowers are always a thoughtful gift.

Have a happy, safe, correct and dog-friendly Christmas.

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