Joan Rivers’ top one liners on age, sex and plastic surgery

Joan Rivers sense of humour will live on in her one liners, the best of which we have collected here.

Joan Rivers poses next to her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame during her induction ceremony in Los Angeles.

RIVERS ZINGERS

— “Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds.”

- “I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing,” on North West, daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

- “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

- “Boy George is all England needs — another queen who can’t dress.”

- “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

- “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

- “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

- “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

- “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”

- “I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””

- “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”

- “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

- “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”

- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

-“I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

- “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

- “When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”

- “I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”

- “Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.”

- “Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

- “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

- “The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”

- “Had a friend who is going through menopause come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so bad, it steam-cleaned my carpet