When subtlety is better than sex

THE cinematic art of leaving something to the imagination.

IF sex sells, Lars von Trier’s new film Nymphomaniac should be box office Viagra. It’s difficult to recall another film that has been promoted solely on the promise of lots of unromantic and often unpleasant sex.

There was star Shia LaBeouf revealing the producers asked to see a pre-casting photo of his dick (sorry but there are no penises in this context), which may explain why he took to wearing a paper bag on his head. There was LaBeouf, again, sharing his first meeting with von Trier, who was poolside and naked at the time.

There was the titular nymphomaniac, Charlotte Gainsbourg, complaining about the hours it took for her prosthetic vagina to be attached - if attached is the right word - before the cameras could roll. There were the posters showing cast members faking (one assumes) orgasm. And there was the breathless speculation about whether any of the actors actually did it (they didn’t, but their “stunt doubles” did).

All of which sells the film short. While it’s batty in parts and off-putting at times, it is much more intelligent and thoughtful than the pre-publicity might have you believe. And Uma Thurman delivers an Oscar-worthy performance in a short, intense scene in which she, with her two pre-teen boys in tow, confronts her cheating husband and the nympho.

Make no mistake, there is also a lot of explicit - and varied - sex. Given the film runs for four hours, there’s time to think during it, and one of the things I starting thinking about was a list of sexy film scenes in which no one has sex.

It should go without saying that such a list is subjective, and what floats one person’s boat will sink another’s. That I’m unmoved by Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey dampening their leotards in Dirty Dancing (1987) and slightly sickened by Swayze and Demi Moore caressing the clay in Ghost (1998) doesn’t invalidate the view of anyone who finds those famous scenes sexy. Ditto if you are turned on by the Mickey Rourke-Kim Basinger fridge scene in 9 1/2 Weeks (1986) and/or the Sharon Stone interrogation scene in Basic Instinct (1992). With those elephants shooed from the room, here are my seven deadly sexy film scenes in which no one has sex:

7. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, 1958. Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman, perhaps the two most beautiful humans yet created, are having trouble in the bedroom. Brick (Newman) has eyes only for the bourbon bottle and seems immune to the southern charms of wife Maggie (Taylor). Then comes the moment that provides the film’s title (via Tennessee Williams): Maggie, with every curve achingly where it should be, tells Brick she will win in the end. “And what is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?” he asks peevishly. “Just staying on it, I guess, as long as she can,” purrs Maggie, and then she blows Brick a kiss that could power every paddle-steamer on the Mississippi.

6. Body Heat, 1981. This one is brief but satisfying. Florida is in the grip of a heatwave, but that’s not the only reason small-time lawyer Ned Racine (William Hurt with a porn star tache) is about to bust the thermometer. He’s being driven wild by sultry, rich, married Matty Tyler Walker (Kathleen Turner). After a bit of mutual pawing, Matty bids goodbye to Ned and goes into the marital mansion - but only as far as the other side of the plate glass doors, where she stands, breathing hard and running her hands up and down the front of her red skirt. Ned picks up a chair, hurls it through the glass and advances on Matty ... and that’s where the scene must end for us, as, if memory serves, they do have sex more or less immediately. (Anyone who feels cheated by this can substitute either the sword fighting-strip tease scene between Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones in The Mask of Zorro from 1998 or the Brangelina fight scene from Mrs and Mrs Smith of 2005, though I find the former a bit pantomime and the latter almost incestuous.)

5. The Big Sleep, 1946. I know some people lather up at the scene where Humphrey Bogart’s Philip Marlowe and Lauren Bacall’s Vivian Rutledge flirtily talk horseracing (”A lot depends on who’s in the saddle” and so on) but it’s a bit creepy for mine. Not so the scene where Marlowe is bailed up by Vivian’s sassy younger sister Carmen (Martha Vickers), a leggy knockout in tiny polka-dot shorts. “You’re not very tall are you?” she teases. “Well, I try to be,” he deadpans. But when she follows up with, “Not bad looking ... though you probably know it”, and twirls and chews her hair, even world weary Marlowe is shown to be momentarily capable of sensual surprise.

4. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951. Yes, it’s the “Hey Stella!” scene, but not because of what’s rippling under Marlon Brando’s ripped T-shirt, impressive as that is. Watch Kim Hunter as she ignores silly Vivien Leigh and slowly, voluptuously descends the stairs, her hair bedroom-rumpled, her left hand feathering along the banister, her eyes never leaving the dumb beast kneeling and keening in the rain. She reaches him - he stays on his knees - and they grip each other in pure lust, her nails raking his back. It’s a stunning evocation of female sexual power.

3. The Age of Innocence, 1993. Handsome Newland Archer (Daniel Day-Lewis) and the woman he loves but cannot wed, exotic Countess Ellen Olenska (Michelle Pfeiffer) are in a horse-drawn carriage, both dressed to the nines, as the weather, times and their social class demand. He removes one glove, unbuttons one of hers and bends his beautiful head to kiss her naked wrist. Her face says it all. A breathtaking moment in one of Martin Scorsese’s best films.

2. Out of Sight, 1998. There are times when the majority is on to something. Ask the man or woman in the street to nominate a film for this list and this George Clooney-Jennifer Lopez crime comedy, directed by Steven Soderbergh, will be on many lips. It’s because of the trunk scene, where US Marshall Karen Sisco (Lopez) and bank robber Jack Foley (Clooney) are squeezed together, spooning like bedmates, in the boot of a car (he’s escaping from prison, she’s a hostage). They talk about 70s films (Australia’s Peter Finch gets a mention, for Network) and the what-if nature of life. “If we met under different circumstances ... what would happen,” suave Jack asks, drumming his fingers on Karen’s rump, his stubbled face close to her bursting ruby lips, his breath hot (we imagine) on her alabaster neck. Anyone watching the body language already knows the answer to his question, and the film will soon confirm it. It’s a hot scene, no doubt about it, but not as hot as ...

1. The Thomas Crown Affair, 1968. Steve McQueen didn’t need clever lines about old films to ignite a confined space. Indeed, he didn’t need to speak at all; he just needed to be Steve McQueen. In Faye Dunaway (who is name-checked several times in the Clooney-Lopez trunk scene) he had his match. She’s insurance investigator Vicki Anderson, who just knows that he, bored millionaire businessman Thomas Crown, masterminded a serious bank heist. They are at his mansion, playing chess by the fireside. He’s an immaculate killer in a grey three-piece suit and mauve tie; she’s all backless dress, bare arms, pout and pink fingernails. She’s also better at chess. There’s a lot of lingering close-ups of concentrating lips, flashing eyes and contemplative fingers - and not a word is spoken. It almost tips over the edge when Thomas is stuck and Vicki starts stroking a bishop, up and down. Then the endgame: he’s in check; he stands up, walks behind her chair, full of animal menace, stalks back to her side, grabs her arm, roughly lifts her to him and says four little words: “Let’s play something else.”