Campo, please put a sock in it

Dear Gawd. Campo, Campo, Campo.

I get, as All Black Andy Haden once said to me, that the three great traditions of rugby are shaking hands with your opponents before and after the game, offering three cheers for the ref and, once retired, standing around saying everything was much better in your day.

I have observed and do observe all those traditions. I equally get that despite being the most extravagantly gifted and hardest-training player of our generation, or any generation, there was always something in you that made you burn just about every bridge in rugby you ever crossed.

But your latest rants in the London Daily Telegraph just before the current Wallaby squad start their own attempt on the Grand Slam tour, take even my breath away. You start by slamming the Wallabies themselves:

“If you mentioned Greg Cornelsen to these guys, no one would know him. He’s the only Wallaby to have scored four tries against New Zealand at Eden Park, in 1978!”

Campo? Greg Cornelsen did that 46 years ago.

When you and I started out, did we know the name of a SINGLE Wallaby from the late 1930s? I did not.

And before your first Bledisloe you were asked about how you were feeling about facing the iconic All Black winger, Stu Wilson, you famously and sincerely replied, “Stu who?”

Do you see a disconnect here, Campo?

You went on, saying if not for the Lions coming next year, or the World Cup in 2027 then “there’d be no rugby union in Australia at all. We’re in so much debt, but the board is still there! What do they say: a fish rots from the head?”

Seriously, Campo. There is no doubt the game is struggling but you really think this helps, or is remotely true? A “fish rots from its head” implies either corruption or pestilence pure, and not only is neither remotely true it is an outrageous slur on good people doing their level best to sort things, in very difficult circumstances.

David Campese of the Wallabies makes a break during the Australia v New Zealand semi-final match in the 1991 Rugby Union World Cup.Credit: Getty

“I’ve been cancelled so the only way I can get my message across is through my own podcast . . .” you say. “There’s not one journalist in Australia who speaks to me.”

Really, David? Really. Are you not the same “David Campese” whose name regularly appears every season in most journals in Brisbane and Sydney complaining about whatever match you’ve just seen? Who wrote those pieces? The copy-kids?

“I was kicked off Stan,” you say, “and out of the paper so that’s why I do my podcasts. It’s because I tell the truth.”

No, David. It’s because your endless ranting – what I used to call “acidic bubbling” where everything you say, burns – does indeed grab the odd headline, but it is ultimately very bloody dull.

You were, I repeat, far and away the most entertaining player of our generation, and one of the most entertaining of any generation. At your best, when you got the ball, an electric current would go through every seat in the stadium, as the mob would roar or jump from their seats or both. All of us were, and still are, so proud to have played with you.

But this stuff does you, and the current Wallabies, a serious disservice.

Can Suaalii live up to the hype?

As to the 2024 Wallabies, who kick off against England on Sunday morning in the wee hours, many of us will indeed be watching.

Most interest will be on Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii who makes his return to rugby in the centres after a stint in league. There is no doubt he is a great footballer.

The question is whether he is on his way to being the Messiah that rugby paid for. There has been some muted criticism of him being thrown in the deep end whereby he will be playing for Wallabies before having played a match of Super Rugby, but I agree with Joe Schmidt, the coach. If the Wallabies are to be competitive against the Lions next year it will need the likes of Suaalii to be world-class and the more experience he has the better he is likely to be. So let’s get started now.

50 years of streaking

Well I never. TFF was contacted by the producer of ABC 702’s Richard Glover’s Drive program this week, asking if I wanted to be interviewed on the subject of the 50th anniversary of the first time someone streaked at a sports event. Ummm, yes? They call me “Weddings, Parties, Anything” and I am happy to chat. But why me?

“Because you wrote about it extensively, a decade ago.”

She sent me the link, and so I did!

And it is such a good yarn, let’s tell it again.

Police Constable Bruce Perry O’Brien uses his helmet to cover up streaker Michael O’Brien as he is arrested and led away during the Five Nations Championship match between England and Wales on at Twickenham in 1974.Credit: Getty Images

It was during a match at Twickenham between England and France when one of ours, an accountant from Melbourne, the 25-year-old Michael O’Brien – with the help of more beers than were good for him – suddenly had an idea. Why not, at half-time, shed his clothes, jump the fence, and run like a mad thing on to the pitch, and touch the far fence? His mate bet him £10 he wouldn’t do it. O’Brien, a player with the Melbourne Rugby Club, bet he would.

Deal?

Deal!

Naked as the day he was born, O’Brien jumped from the barrier and was on his way into the pages of history. Of course, the English bobbies, as they have always been want to do, gave chase, and he was eventually brought down by a superb tackle near that far fence, by Police Constable Bruce Perry – “Allo, allo, allo, what ’ave we got here?”

O’Brien explained the bet, and – most wonderfully – the kindly constable allowed him to touch the fence, before famously taking off his helmet to cover our man’s genitals. As he was led from the field, half the crowd cheered, half the crowd jeered, as he was deposited in that halfway house that lies between the Hall of Fame and the Hall of Shame. I reckon all these years on, he deserves full residence in the Hall of Fame, yes? When I wrote the piece a decade ago, I sent out an all points bulletin on Mr O’Brien, noting that as recently as 2009 he had been active member of his old Melbourne Rugby Club.

“Where are you, Mr O’Brien?” I wrote. “A nation turns its lonely eyes from you.”

Nothing came back, so I am saying it again.

Come in from out of the cold Agent O’Brien, your work is done!

Punting for a good cause

Forty years and a bitty ago when TFF was keeping company with a fine young woman at Sydney University, I came to know her father Everald Compton very well, and we have kept in touch since. Australia’s foremost professional fundraiser back in the day, he is now the country’s leading proponent of the Universal Basic Income, and still going strong at the age of 93.

So I was interested to see his tweet at 9.19 am on Tuesday, some six hours before the Melbourne Cup was run.

“Back in 1939 I listened with my Dad to ABC Radio as Old Rowley won #MelbourneCup at 100 to 1,” Mr Compton wrote. “Dad said it would happen again next century. So today I backed Knights [sic] Choice at 150 to I & have him in trifecta with 2 at 100 to 1. Am about to make huge killing. Go & do likewise.”

Cup winner Old Rowley

And you know the rest. That particular horsey won, allowing him to tweet afterwards. “Will toast Dad with finest #whisky. As fearless punter on #MelbourneCup I put $10 on Knights Choice & won on $1700. Donated it all to ACTS a local church charity I chair that gives cash grants direct to people in crisis such as #domesticviolence victims. They need it. I don’t.”

Why the Don should have averaged a ton

Over lunch on Thursday the son of a mate told me a story I don’t want to check for fear it might not be true. So, you check, can you?

The son, who’ll remain nameless – let’s just call him Jeff Cottee – met Neil Harvey one day at the Stuyvesant restaurant in Crows Nest on the occasion of his 90th birthday and recounted how the great cricketer had noted that he was the man responsible for Bradman not finishing with a century batting average.

How could that be?

Well, at the conclusion of Bradman’s second last Test, at Headingley, Harvey was batting with Bradman and closing in on the total required. With just a few more runs the Don – who was in good form on the day – would have had had his century average assured whatever happened in the final Test at The Oval, but instead of giving the senior man the strike, Harvey hit a boundary to win the game and the match was over, with a victory for the goodies.

And we know the rest . . .

Instead of the four runs he needed to assure that never to be repeated Test average of a century, Bradman went for a duck, and finished with an average of 99.94.

And now I want everybody to repeat after me, in a chorus: “It’s a funny game, cricket!”

What They Said

Wendell Sailor, reportedly, to the police about to arrest him for allegedly assaulting patrons and bar staff at a city bar on Wednesday evening: “Do you know who I am?” . The former NRL player was reportedly charged with five offences, including common assault.

Having a laugh … Josh Addo-Carr

Josh Addo-Carr on his time ending at Belmore: “I know the truth and that will come out.” Mate? Leave it, alone.

Addo-Carr, claiming altruism as his motive for going to Canterbury in the first place: “I could have easily come to a team that was successful and in a really good place. I dared to dream and play my part in changing the culture, that was the whole plan in going to the Bulldogs. I knew they were a big club and wanted to make them a powerhouse again. Looking back at it now, I dared to dream. I don’t think any other player would have done that.” Well, at least not unless Nelson Mandela might have been an NRL player, he might have. Or maybe Mother Teresa? (Seriously, folks. Wouldn’t you like to buy shares in him at your price, and sell them at his own estimate?)

Addo-Carr: “I’ll keep being ‘The Foxx’, keep showing love to everyone, no matter what. Keep being a humble guy.” Didn’t I ask you to SHOOT ME?!?!

Coco Gauff on the WTA finals being in Saudi Arabia: “I’m obviously very aware of the situation here in Saudi. My view on it is that I do think sport can have a way to open doors to people.” Enter, the most familiar trope of the lot, when sports people hold their nose and take the money from murderous regimes.

All Black No. 8 Ardie Savea on the tight finish against England: “I didn’t think we had that in the end. We got lucky with the [missed] penalty kick, but rugby is a game of fine margins and we will take it.”

England rugby coach Steve Borthwick on the same last seconds narrowly missed penalty goal: “If it goes slightly more left, we are talking about a very different result.”

Olympic diver Tom Daley on him opening an exhibition on his knitting: “I’d been knitting since March 2020, but no one really cared until they saw me do it at the Olympics. I think some people thought I didn’t care about the Olympics, that I was just knitting. Some people thought it was brave to be knitting in public, and some thought: ‘What the hell is he doing?’”

Pakistan’s Mohammad Rizwan after the first ODI against Australia. “It’s difficult to read anything into this game, the result is in God’s hands, but I’m happy with the fight we put up.” I would have thought if it was in God’s hands he wouldn’t drop any catches?

Ange Postecoglou bouncing back after a loss with a good win: “You don’t fall off cliffs and you don’t climb mountains within a week. I’m totally focused on the long game here. Seven days is a long time in football. Seven days ago I was a grumpy old so and so. We have to stay true to the course we’re on. We made sure not to feel sorry for ourselves and back to the team we want to be.”

Trying to keep up with the calculus of Melbourne Cup winning jockey Robbie Dolan makes my head hurt: “I’ve never ridden in this race before so I didn’t know what to expect, but I feel like I’ve ridden it 10 times because I have ridden it in my head 100 times before I got here.”

Zac Lomax on leaving the eleventh placed Dragons for the fifteenth placed Eels: “I’d been there for a long time, but ultimately I wanted to win. I don’t feel where that team (Eels) finished this year is how they’re going to go next year. I feel that with the team and the club at Parra, we’re going to have a really successful year.”

Team of the Week

Gout Gout. Last weekend the Australian running sensation ran the fastest 200m by an Australian in over three decades. Told yers!

NZ Cricket. Swept India 3-0. In India!

North Melbourne. AFLW team finished the regular season undefeated.

Wallabies. Play England in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Socceroos. Host Saudi Arabia in Melbourne on Thursday

Sydney Marathon. Joins Tokyo, Boston, London, Berlin, Chicago and New York as a world marathon major.

Twitter/X: @Peter_Fitz