It's Bob's house of many defamations

IN THE media trade years ago, Bob Hawke's guided tours of his home in Royal Avenue, Sandringham, were the stuff of legend. Ol' Hawkie (below), a man who was on the phone to his lawyers at the slightest whiff of offence, would happily point out the visible fruits of his litigation. Goggle-eyed media hacks spoke of his "Herald and Weekly Times tennis court" and "Fairfax swimming pool" (or maybe it was other way around) and perhaps even a Packer extension or two. This was all before he rose to glory at the Lodge, but now, decades later, the former Hawke house is all the talk again in Sandy.

Down Royal Avenue the locals harbour the notion that the Bayside Council is about to "list" the Hawkie house as a structure of historical or cultural importance, thanks to the celebrated stature of its former owners. You know, a bit like Cook's Cottage in the Fitzroy Gardens.

Problem is, Captain Hawke's cottage has changed over the years. For a start, while the pool is still there (albeit upgraded), the tennis

court has been sold off and a house built on the site. "We know the couple who built on the court," says one resident, "and we've been joking that they may have to tear it down."

Surely not! Diary checked with Bayside Council and, astonishingly, the Bayside burghermeisters have been toying with this heritage idea. We were directed to the publication Let's Talk Bayside: "Bayside City Council has

just considered whether Bob Hawke's former home should be protected with heritage designation. This designation protects properties deemed to be architecturally, culturally or historically significant with additional planning permit requirements when development is proposed. To some residents of Bayside, heritage is an important

community asset and it needs preserving."

However, Diary learnt yesterday that, after public debate, Captain Hawke's cottage hasn't quite

cut the mustard. Not historical enough, not cultural enough, not architectural enough. Would a special media listing be more fitting?

Bum rap

AUNTY ABC radio yesterday reported that many young people had "misconceptions" about sex. Good work, that, but bettered by the bloke at the Coogee Bay pub. That's where some customers have claimed they were served gelato smeared with excrement, and there are various diplomatic ways of responding to that. "We are taking this very seriously," is one possibility. Or even: "We are investigating these claims with the utmost urgency." The very last choice is probably the way pub managerTony Williams put it to Seven news: "We want to get to the bottom of the matter."

What's that?

IT'S like a page out of the book of

The Two Ronnies. The Tax Office has placed an ad in the public serviceGazette seeking a "clear expression adviser". For a mere $90,000, the adviser will try to translate the tax boys' jabbering jargon into English. This follows repeated switchboard meltdown after mail-outs, with baffled taxpayers wanting to know what the hell they are talking about.

Friendly skies

EMBATTLED police Chief CommissionerChristine Nixon held her "community ball" at Crown last week. First prize in the raffle was a pair of tickets to Hong Kong — flying Qantas. No, the winner doesn't have to refund the fare later.

A new leaf

AND we're racing. So what do the bookworms do on Derby day? They're galloping up to Ferny Creek. "We're holding our inaugural Mountains of Books fair," chirrups

Pam Bakes of Page Two second-hand books. "Used, rare and out-of-print books. What could be more calming in the lead-up to Tuesday than fossicking for hidden treasures or searching for treasured tomes?" Better than a Kabbalah navel-gazing session with Madonna. Hats, says Ms Bakes, are optional.

Outstanding

HERE'S a bit of vote-buying you may have missed in the state budget papers: Brumby's mob has set aside $780,000 "to establish a demonstration centre of excellence in sexually transmitted infections and management at Shepparton". Patient: "What have I got, doc?" Medico: "An excellent case of syphilis. Congratulations."

X-gen

UH-OH, more muck-up day trouble, this time at Fitzroy High School. We hear a

couple of year 12 students turned up wearing Xavier blazers and balaclavas. This thing could take off like the Sheedy/Weagles bomber jackets.

Buzz off

MORE ways of ditching telemarketing pests. Lend an ear to Geoff Kavanagh: "I knock on the kitchen counter and say: 'Sorry, there's someone at the door.' Then I put the phone down and leave it for several minutes. The caller is NEVER there when I check the phone. They never call back either."

The crockery here is rubbish!

PATRONS at the Greenhouse will be able to sample eco-friendly food and drink served in reconstituted crockery, including test tubes turned into "taste tubes" and beer bottles fashioned into glasses. Newspaper, tuna tins and terracotta pots also feature in the Greenhouse's tableware.

Chefs from leading Melbourne restaurants have formulated the menu (which changes daily) using the principles of the famous Rose Bakery in Paris, which serves simple, fresh dishes using only local organic ingredients. Staples include frittatas served in tins and summer salads made from produce grown in the rooftop garden.

At night, celebrity chef Shannon Bennett gives the Greenhouse's taste-of-waste experience a haute cuisine twist. Bennett argues that quality food is almost always environmentally responsible. "If you have a happy animal," he says, "you get a happy product."

CONTACT

LAWRENCE MONEY

9601 [e-mail]://blogs.theage.com.au/moderntimes/Fax: [phone]SUZANNE CARBONE 9601 3192

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