How I learnt to harden up and appreciate masculine virtues

As a woman in paid employment, there is no way to write about “The Great Feminisation” without becoming proof of its premise, no matter how stridently one disagrees with it.

The essay of that name, which has caused a stir since it was published in October in the US online magazine Compact, contends that the hordes of women who have entered the workforce over the past few decades have brought with them “wokeness”.

The “great feminisation” of the workplace: apparently a threat to our social fabric.Credit: Getty Images

“Everything you think of as wokeness involves prioritising the feminine over the masculine: empathy over rationality, safety over risk, cohesion over competition,” writes its author, Helen Andrews.

This is a threat to society generally, but to the rule of law specifically.

“The field that frightens me most is the law … the rule of law will not survive the legal profession becoming majority female,” Andrews writes. This is because lady judges prioritise their feelings over legal doctrine. “The rule of law is not just about writing rules down,” Andrews explains. “It means following them even when they yield an outcome that tugs at your heartstrings or runs contrary to your gut sense of which party is more sympathetic.”

The essay argues that workplaces (and indeed, civic spaces such as universities) are so feminised that masculine virtues are not just being crowded out, they are being actively exterminated.

And according to Andrews, “female modes of interaction are not well suited to accomplishing the goals of many major institutions”.

The conservative New York Times columnist Ross Douthat was so interested in Andrews’ essay he invited her on his podcast, which led to the NYT publishing the accompanying headline, “Are Women Ruining the Workplace?”

The ensuing backlash saw the headline watered down, quick-smart, to “Has Liberal Feminism Ruined the Workplace?” but the damage was done, and Douthat will live on in a hundred thousand unkind internet memes, many of which are very funny.

The essay is as audacious as it is devoid of intellectual foundation. But it got me thinking about masculine virtues, a line of reflection which coincided with my training for a trail run which I expected to find physically gruelling. To help motivate me, one of the running men in my life alerted me to a manfluencer named David Goggins. He is an African-American retired Navy SEAL who competes in ultra-marathons and triathlons. He is a motivational speaker, and through his book and online presence, he espouses what you might call masculine virtues.

David Goggins runs 217 kilometres through Death Valley, California.Credit: Alamy Stock Photo

Goggins (who swears a lot), urges his followers to “stay hard” and to “find your balls”, to “tighten up, people” and “get the f--- up”.

Interest in Goggins led me further into the manosphere. In long-form podcast interviews – Goggins has spoken to the manosphere prince Joe Rogan on several occasions – he says things like “f--- your feelings … sometimes you have to go beyond your feelings” and “every obstacle is friction”.

In 2019, Goggins told the ultra-endurance athlete and podcaster Rich Roll about his extreme self-reliance. Goggins was raised in a household with an abusive, alcoholic father who beat him and his mother. His father’s psychological abuse was worse than the physical. As a young man, Goggins realised he had to make himself as strong as possible, mentally and physically. He would have to save himself because, as he told Roll, “no one’s coming back to fix this shit for you”.

Running involves your brain telling your body to shut up, to stop complaining, and just keep going. Goggins has pushed his body so hard that he has no meniscus on one of his knees, and he still runs ultramarathons.

If he could do that, I could do a lousy trail run.

Goggins was in my head the whole time I ran, telling me to stay hard. After I finished, muddy and exhausted, I found myself appreciating masculine virtue. Perhaps there was no need to discuss things endlessly or to turn things over and see them from every angle. Sometimes only action matters, and effort.

But later, discussing this role model of mental toughness with other women, we agreed that Goggins’ imprecations to “stay hard” and “shut the f--- up” and “f--- your feelings” were things women did routinely. Albeit in a different style, and in different circumstances.

Few physical ordeals are as tough as giving birth. Mothering requires reserves of mental resilience that few women know they have until they’re forced to have them. Likewise, any kind of intense caring role. And women have spent centuries shutting the f--- up and just getting stuff done.

So Goggins, really, is speaking our language. No wonder I liked him so much.

Man up, women … or are we not so different in the long run? Credit: Getty Images/iStock

This week The Times of London published interesting research about contemporary masculinity, undertaken by the American developmental psychologist Gary Barker, whose special subject is healthy masculinity and violence prevention. The survey of 2000 British men and women aged 18 to 45 found that young men are not OK. Some 62 per cent of male respondents agreed with the statement “women have too many expectations of how men should be in relationships these days”.

Almost a quarter of men aged 18 to 35 admitted they “actively” sought pornography involving strangulation and other types of violence. One in four of the men surveyed believed no one would love them, and 59 per cent agreed “I have to look out for myself, no one has my back”, compared with a minority of women surveyed.

Barker told The Times he thought “we have a generation of young men who in some ways have atrophied relationship muscles”. The struggle, he says, leads to retreat from relationships.

But the men surveyed wanted relationships, and their conception of masculine virtues centred around decency and relational strength. When asked to rank 18 traits that meant “being a man”, the top ranked was “being a friend”, followed by “helping those who need it” and “providing for the family”.

The bottom four were the traits associated with what we call toxic masculinity – “being in charge”, “making lots of money”, “managing conflict with violence” and “having many sexual partners”.

It’s almost as though men and women want the same things. Almost as though, despite our differences in style (and women’s strident efforts to ruin the workplace), we have many things in common – most notably, the need for connection with one another.

Jacqueline Maley is a senior writer and columnist.

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