‘She doesn’t want to upset people - I probably do’: Bella Freud on sister Esther

Fashion designer Bella Freud, 64, and her novelist sister Esther Freud, 62, are daughters of artist Lucian Freud and great-granddaughters to Sigmund. They were raised by their mother in the UK and Morocco.

Bella Freud, left, and sister Esther. “Even now, I can say things to her that I can’t say to anyone else,” Esther says of her sibling.Credit: John Davis

Esther: Even as a child, Bella had a lot of power. She was bright and capable and often angry, but she had such charisma. She would create situations that felt very daring and exciting. When she was nine, she became a passionate, paid-up member of the World Wildlife Fund. She found an old pram and we went from door to door for donations. I was about seven, and a neighbour reported she’d seen me straining to push this enormous, junk-filled vehicle up the road, with Bella sitting on top. When my mother asked about it, I thought, “No, no: they don’t understand. She allowed me to push her.” That’s how powerful she was.

Interestingly, I don’t think I was ever the subject of her anger. And she also had this enormous capacity for lighting up life; she was incredibly beguiling. Even now, I can say things to her that I can’t say to anyone else. I can exaggerate my feelings with her, try things out on her. It’s almost like a twin relationship, in that way: this alliance right at the centre of our lives. Sometimes, I think, “Oh, I’ll try not to talk to Bella about this”, but I always crack. There just isn’t anyone else who can unwrap life for me like her.

I have mined my childhood for 35 years [as a fiction writer; her latest novel, My Sister and Other Lovers, is out now.] Some of it is very close to Bella and me, but she’s like our father. I once wrote a character clearly based on him, and he said, “For a horrible moment, I thought he was me, then I remembered, ‘Oh no, I don’t wear a watch.’ ” Bella just says, “It’s fiction”, and gives me her blessing. This last book, she said: “Be sharper, harsher, clearer. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings.” It was fabulous.

“I can exaggerate my feelings with Bella, try things out on her. It’s almost like a twin relationship, in that way.”

Esther Freud

Just very recently, she’s started her own writing: these beautiful little Sunday stories on Instagram. It’s been so illuminating for me. As a child, I was caught between her and my mother – both very strong, fiery, outspoken – always just hoping things would settle down. Now I realise she was unhappy.

She had a difficult relationship with our mother; she found the itinerant life we were leading, which actually rather suited me, extremely painful and difficult. It was like clear water, clear air, to finally understand that. And she seems so at peace and happy now; more compassionate for the past, for
herself, for our family.

I’ve always been so proud of her. When she first started to design clothes back in the ’90s, she’d have these incredible catwalk shows with Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, Susie Bick [now Cave]. I’ve never been brilliant at clothes: I once tried on this lovely, soft, brushed-cotton brown shirt with her and she just said, “Never, ever buy something unless it really suits you.” I said, “But it’s so comfortable!” and she just looked at me with this look – she lowers her eyes, then raises them – and said, “Stop it.” Now she gives me things, utterly beautiful things. Some of them I’ve honestly worn for 25 years.

Bella: The first time I remember thinking “I really need this sister of mine” was when I was about 10 and she was eight: we were sleeping in bunk beds and I used to ask her to tell me stories at night. She was so good – and I realised I couldn’t take her for granted or be presumptuous. I needed this from her, and I needed to make sure she was in the right mood to respond. She had this cast of recurring characters, and I always wanted more.

She felt “little” for a long time, whereas I felt I was out in the world; I was not very attached to Mum and she was. But we were always very, very close. As a child, she was very loyal: I would tell her things and say, “Don’t tell anyone”, and she never, ever did. So even though she couldn’t do much about my situations or problems, I leant a lot on her loyalty, her admiration. I felt I must be doing something right, because I felt valued by her.

I think she’s much more courageous now than when she was young – much stronger; she had lots of fears as a child. But I’ve always admired her.

I think writing is very glamorous but, also, being a creative person and putting stuff into the world is hard. In personality, she’s more of a caretaker and I’m more of a disrupter. She doesn’t want to upset people; I probably do. Well, I don’t really, but my modus operandi is always to look under the bed and find all the weird, hidden stuff. With her own writing, I just want her to be as visible and as brilliant a writer as she is.

She had children long before me and each of them has been an enormous joy. I remember going around to her house when Albie [her oldest son] was tiny – maybe two. She knelt down in front of him and, I don’t know, he was annoyed about something and he suddenly just slapped her in the face. Not being a mother, I thought, “Wow, she’s going to slap him back.” And, of course, she didn’t. I was so amazed by her patience – and so astonished. I thought, “Oh, I see. That’s what it means to be a parent.”

“Esther is more of a caretaker and I’m more of a disrupter.”

Bella Freud

Esther has always validated my version of our life. She never denies it, never says, “Well, it wasn’t like that.” I know it’s a common thing in families for one person to be the problem, the person everyone disagrees with. That was me, but she did the opposite: she acknowledged it was different for both of us, and she trusted my story. I also trusted hers: we just accepted each other’s different experience. And that’s meant everything to me. It made me feel visible, it made me able to be softer. Having her say, “Yes. I believe you.”

Esther Freud will attend the Brisbane Writers Festival on August 6 and Byron Writers Festival on August 8.

[e-mail]

To read more from Good Weekend magazine, visit our page at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and Brisbane Times.