Trapped working from home? Here's my pro survival tips

I am Gen X and I have been training for this my whole life.

Pull up a stolen milk crate, my friends, and get ready for a schooling.

Just another day at the "office". Get used to it, people.Credit: iStock

Long have my people wandered in the wilderness, or thought about it anyway.

And by wandering, I mean rolling out of the daybed at the crack of noon, in our pyjamas, ready to do whatever it takes to wander from wherever we fell asleep binge-watching The X-Files out to the kitchen for a fish finger sandwich.

Unless that’s too hard. In which case, I dunno, a microwaved tin of re-fried beans might be cool.

We are your socially isolated Gods now. Look upon our work-from-home routines and despair.

It’s weird, sure, that we’re all gonna die, or at the very least experience some major inconvenience from the plot line of a basic cable apocalypse story.

But as you hunker down at the going-out-of-business-end of our civilisation, take it from a generation who never expected to get this far anyway; you gotta make do with whatever hand you got dealt.

Don’t fight against being held prisoner in your own home. Roll with it.

First thing you’re gonna need is a pair of lounging PJs.

They should be cheap, of course, because who’s got the money for those fancy store-bought velour Jimjams with both a back and a front bottom?

But, more importantly, they need to be sturdy, because you’re gonna be living in these things for months, maybe years, and definitely for the entirety of your career as a tragically undiscovered slam poet or bespoke designer of hand-tooled Twitter memes.

Once ensnugged within your chosen PJs, onesie or utility bathrobe, you will need a side gig. Yes, I understand you have a real job in the real world but you have to let that go.

You’re one of us, now.

The couch people.

Things will bump along for a while but the lived experience of Generation X is that, eventually, things fall apart. The centre cannot hold. The best lack all conviction while the worst are down at Woolies shanking each other in aisle 7 for the last roll of toilet paper.

Which reminds me, better hide that last roll of toilet paper.

Panic-buying three ply and cat food (because that’s a thing now, too) is all very well, but it won’t do you much good if you never get to enjoy your end-of-the-world champion prepper triumph because your housemates/teenaged children cleaned out your supplies when your back was turned.

Pro tip: Your teenaged children are the worst housemates you will ever have and you can NEVER turn your back on them.

If you would like more useful instruction on how to survive as a prisoner in your own home, my 27-part video tutorial is available for download.

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