By Stephen Brook
Victorians had been under the impression an act of vandalism had caused the flooding that shut down two Melbourne train stations last week – until Transport Infrastructure Minister Danny Pearson fronted a media conference on Wednesday to reveal the cause had, in fact, been an “amorous couple”.
The minister took a short period to work himself up to the revelation, explaining to the press corps outside parliament how a flood event had impacted both Melbourne Central and Flagstaff stations on Thursday, and that initial reports had pointed to vandalism.
The couple in question.
But there was much more to the story, as the minister eventually found the words to explain.
“I’ve been advised that Metro [trains] have reviewed the CCTV footage, and it would appear that an amorous couple in a stairwell dislodged the sprinkler ...” The minister trailed off and appeared at a loss as a burst of laughter erupted from the press corps.
The City Loop was thrown into chaos as patrons departed a concert by pop star Olivia Rodrigo. Investigators said offenders had damaged a water pipe and a fire sprinkler about 10.40pm on Thursday.
Pearson attempted to delicately undress a matter no minister had ever before been called on to do: an apparent attempted fornication in the City Loop.
“Metro will be investigating these matters further, and police are investigating,” he said.
“Perhaps a stairwell might not be an appropriate place to find yourself in at the end of a dinner,” Pearson offered as advice.
Who knew Melbourne could be so horny?
Police released photos and edited CCTV footage showing a young man dressed in black pullover walking behind a staircase, closely followed by a woman in a tartan jacket carrying a bottle of soft drink.
The Suburban Rail Loop: surer ground for Minister Pearson than copulating couples.Credit: Gus McCubbing
A further clip showed the man leaping away from a pillar next to the staircase as a torrent of water gushed forth.
CBD cannot confirm that they were a couple, but they were definitely coupling. Or do we mean copping off?
“Transit Divisional Response Unit officers are appealing for assistance,” a police statement said.
We bet they are.
Meanwhile, at Pearson’s press conference, the minister hastily moved onto the Suburban Rail Loop, a project he’s overseeing, which suddenly seemed surer ground.
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