‘Patty’s not allowed to remarry’: Harriet Dyer’s imaginary from-the-grave command

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks to Harriet Dyer. A winner of Logie, AACTA and AWGIE awards, the actor and screenwriter, 35, is best known for co-writing, creating and starring in Aussie streaming romcom Colin from Accounts, which has become a global hit.

Harriet Dyer: “Patty’s just so confident … He’s [never] gotten jealous, and that’s sexy.”Credit: Peter Brew-Bevan/BINGE

SEX

What were you told about sex growing up? Not a lot. My mum cracks rude jokes and we all joke about sex and do humping moves on the dance floor, but there’s not a lot of chat about it. But then in my year 10 science class, our teacher played this video – he was such a sweet, awkward man; I’m sure he hated this – showing this slow-motion, thermal image of a man’s bottom. And he turns around … and he has this huge erection. It’s red, orange, yellow and angry, while his hips were kind of blue. And our teacher said, “That, ladies and gentlemen, is a penis.” I just fell about laughing.

I love that your first image of an erect penis was how the Predator sees its prey. Exactly! It was so angry. So charged.

You and Colin from Accounts co-star and co-creator Patrick Brammell have been together since 2017. You got engaged five days after you got together. What attracts you to him? Patty’s just so confident. There’s been no real time in our relationship that he’s ever gotten jealous, and that’s sexy. Without being lazy, he has this wonderful acceptance of his body, too. And obviously – oh my God! – he makes me laugh so much. More than anybody.

In the first few minutes of Colin from Accounts, your character, Ashley, flashes her nipple at a stranger, played by Patrick. Are you and Ashley alike when it comes to sex? She’s way more cool about it than I am. She’s also a student of medicine, so she sees penises and vaginas all the time. I’ve been a serial monogamist my whole life, but she’s pretty game – and smart.

RELIGION

What do you believe in? I thought I was atheist for a really long time; now I’m sitting in an agnostic place. With atheists, it’s like: you die, you’re dead. But I do think that there’s something else and I have a lot of respect for people who have religion. When I see someone grieving, I envy them when I know they have God. I’m like, “Wow, I’m not going to have that when I need it.” But I believe in the people around me. They’re my religion, in a way.

What are your commandments for good acting? Often actors are told, “Don’t just stand there: do something!” But director Iain Sinclair once said the opposite to us: “Don’t just do something: stand there!”

What does that mean? Just stand there. Receive. I was doing a scene with someone on an Australian TV show and he was like, “What do you do with your hands?” That’s when it came to me again: it’s OK if you don’t do anything with your hands. If you’re thinking about what your hands are doing, you’re doing the wrong thing.

You’re also an award-winning screenwriter. What are your commandments for good writing? Thou shalt not write something in dialogue that someone wouldn’t actually say. I’m a baby writer, though, so I’m still working it out. And I’ve got to make sure the characters don’t all sound the same. They can’t all say, “Whatever, mate.”

Who do you idolise? I’m in love with Taylor Swift right now.

Did you go to the concert? Loved it! But I didn’t go as a fan: I went on the fence. Then, the next day, I was like, “I’m obsessed with you” and now I’m knee-deep. And I idolise people who’ve made acting their entire career: Judi Dench, Emma Thompson, Maggie Smith and Imelda Staunton.

DEATH

What do you think happens after we die? I’m just so chillingly scared of it. I don’t know.

Where does that fear come from? I have FOMO! I’m scared of missing out on the world.

If you were to die today, what would you be happy that you’ve done? I’d be happy that I’d had a really lovely – too brief! – marriage and relationship with Patty where I haven’t done anything I could regret and there’d be nothing he could discover about me that’s dishonest or like, “Oh, I didn’t know her.” That goes for everyone. Everyone who loves me knows me. I’ve also now made two seasons of a TV show that brings people comfort, although they’d probably be very sad watching it if I die. But people have told me that Colin has been comfort food for them and that’s awesome. Also, our daughter’s only two-and-a-half, but I could at least say I gave Joni two-and-a-half years of great unconditional love and play.

How would you like to die, ideally? It’s weird. My two grandmothers went opposite ways around the same age. One had her brain, but her body was cooked. The other one had her body, but her brain was lost to dementia. I feel that being aware of your own death would be really hard. I’d like to go f---ing quickly and at the same time as Patty so we don’t have to live without each other.

Any requests for the funeral? Wear colours. Have a good time. Play a lot of songs. Please don’t cry too much. Also, Patty’s not allowed to remarry.

Both seasons of Colin From Accounts are on Binge.

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