My son loves our neighbours’ dachshund. Can he offer free doggie daycare?

Every day, I hear my neighbours yelling at their dachshund or I hear the poor dog whining all day in a locked garage. Meanwhile, my 17-year-old son hankers for his own dachshund. Do I just lower a sign over the fence saying, “Free Doggy Daycare Next Door”?
M.P., Blayney, NSW

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

Dachshunds have stumpy little legs and long sausage bodies and whenever I see one, I always think, “Awwwww, so cute! And sure, I know these dogs were bred that way to hunt out burrow-dwelling animals and, as a consequence, they can suffer a lifetime of chronic spinal ailments, dislodged kneecaps, autoimmune issues, epilepsy, glaucoma, blindness, deafness, obesity and sometimes paralysis requiring the aid of a canine cart, but it’d be totally worth it! So cuuuuuuuuute!”

I’m getting the impression, though, that your neighbours don’t find their dachshund so cute. Either they’re not mad about the dog or they’re not mad about the hefty, ongoing vet bills and don’t have pet insurance. Which is why your son should definitely knock on their door and offer his services for free; he should tell them it’ll be just like a kiddies’ daycare centre but with more treats and less excrement.

Who knows? If it works out, maybe you could cut a doggy flap in the fence big enough for the dog to crawl through whenever it pleases, or your son to crawl through if he wants a change of scenery. Eventually, ideally, your son might even become the dog’s primary carer, which will be everything he hankered for. Dachshunds, apparently, make very loving and loyal pets … in those brief, occasional moments when they’re not in extreme pain from multiple health conditions. Or barking at bigger dogs because of tiny-dog syndrome. Or hunting out burrow-dwelling bunnies and ripping out their throats. Cuuuuuuuuute!

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