‘I’m super-cute’: Comedian Urzila Carlson’s struggle to stay single

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week he speaks to Urzila Carlson. The South African-New Zealander comedian and actor, 49, became the highest-selling act in the history of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in 2019. She co-stars in the Netflix movie Kinda Pregnant.

Urzila Carlson: “When people keep fighting after they’ve split up, I’m like, ‘Why are you still fighting this person?’ … The fighting should have happened while you were with them.” Credit: Getty Images

SEX

Urzila, you’ve landed on “Sex”. Sex! I’ve had it. Deal with it.

[Laughs] What’s the first thing that comes to mind? [Groans] At this point, it feels like admin. I’d rather read a book, have some melatonin and an early night. Can we both just masturbate [separately] and come to bed early? By the time you’ve fed the kids, looked after the house, pets and f--- knows what else, who’s got the energy for it? I can’t be f---ed with f---ing.

You’re a queer icon now, but what was the coming-out process like for you? I didn’t really prioritise it, but I was nervous about what would happen in my community. I was living in South Africa and it’s a lot more conservative there: they don’t even take kindly to premarital sex, let alone coming out. I came out at 26, which I didn’t think was late back then, but now it is: kids are much more comfortable. Anyway, I’m a big believer in [sexuality] being fluid. I understand why the alphabet [LGBTIQA+] keeps growing.

You’re single right now. Are you currently looking? I’m definitely not looking. I’m the opposite. I’m hyper-focused on staying single and not partnering up. Which is really hard: I’m super-cute.

DEATH

Is it true that early on in your childhood, your father – who was an alcoholic – came looking for you and your family, armed with a gun? Yes, my father was a very violent, aggressive drunk. Now when I look back on it, he obviously had post-traumatic stress disorder from the Angolan War [a 1975-2002 civil war in which South African forces were at times involved]. But he needed therapy for that: he doesn’t get to take that out on his family. But my mum never shit-talked him – ever. That’s important. My wife and I got a divorce a few years ago, and I said to her, “I’ll never fight with you.” And we’re still best friends. You choose to have a family together, you need to keep your shit together. When people keep fighting after they’ve split up, I’m like, “Why are you still fighting this person? You got what you wanted. You’re alone now. You’re rid of them. Now’s your time to be happy.” The fighting should have happened while you were with them.

Who was the last person you lost whose death really affected you? It was a friend who passed away a couple of years ago. We used to work together; I met her when I was 18. I gave the eulogy at her funeral the same day I recorded a special on YouTube. I don’t even promote that special. It was such a dark day and I was just mentally and physically exhausted. I should have cancelled it. I thought it would be all right, but it wasn’t.

That’s such an intense thing to push yourself through. But it’s good to know what you can and cannot do. I also did a show the night my dad died. There are no sick days. Afterwards, friends were waiting outside. I was doing photos and signing books, and this friend of mine was waiting so we could go for drinks. I just looked at her and said, “My dad died today.” Then I had a good cry. You still have to give yourself time to mourn, even if it’s over what could have been. I mourned for his wasted life.

Have you got any funeral requests for yourself? I used to say “Bury me” because, honestly, I think my family will lose my ashes.

Is anyone banned from your funeral? Yes! There are a few people who’ve really pissed me off. Two bitches can’t come to my funeral. I said to my friends, “If you see these bitches at my funeral, just tell ’em, ‘No, she wouldn’t want you here!’ Be brutal.”

POLITICS

You grew up in apartheid-era South Africa. How did that shape how you see the world? What apartheid taught me is I don’t do well with anyone being oppressed. What pisses me off about people who are anti-trans – or anti-anything – is how the f--- can they say another group isn’t good enough? Whenever anyone says, “Jews can’t still claim the concentration camps, or [Black people can’t claim slavery] in the US”, well, they can claim those things – forever. People may say, “That happened years ago,” but anything that happened to your forefathers will affect you.

You’ve said that you don’t want to tell jokes about body size or fatness any more. What’s changed? I don’t want to weaponise it for other people. I can do it and it’s funny. But I’ve heard from people that colleagues at their work use my jokes – the ones I use on myself – against them and then say, “It’s just a joke.” I’m putting that weapon in their hands. And I don’t want to give other people the weapon and the bullets.

You spend a lot of time in Australia. What does Australia get right compared to other countries? Well, of course, your economy is great ...

And what do we get wrong? The thing that always hits me is the way Australia treats Indigenous people. I had a chat with an Australian who said, “Our tolerance for each other is amazing.” And I’m like, “That’s where you’re going wrong.” In Australia, you tolerate each other. You should be celebrating each other.

Urzila Carlson’s You Don’t Say tour is in Sydney on August 16 (ICC Theatre) and December 13 (Sydney Opera House) and in Canberra on August 22-23 (Llewellyn Hall).

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