A lesbian friend has asked me to donate sperm, but my new girlfriend’s not happy

I once said I’d help a lesbian friend have babies via sperm donation. Now, 10 years on, she wants to take me up on my offer. My new girlfriend is worried. What should I do?
B.W., Seaforth, NSW

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

Thank you for allowing me to stretch my guru-ing abilities beyond the usual questions about dog poop, bad neighbours and plane-seat reclining etiquette into an ethically complex issue that takes me way out of my depth and one which I’ve no right to answer. You’ve made a big mistake. But I’m excited, so let’s get started.

Firstly, good on you for offering to help out with a donation. That could be a monumentally life-changing gift to your friend, while only being two minutes’ work for you. And reasonably pleasurable work. And work you’d likely be doing anyway, possibly multiple times a day between meals and maybe even during.

But donating sperm to a friend can be risky. You’d be the biological father of any kid conceived via your donation and you might have regular contact with that kid; they might call you “Dad” or “Uncle” or, if they want to be technically correct, “Wanker”.

At the same time, you may be planning on having kids with your new girlfriend (which will also require a sperm donation from you, but a far more satisfying one, with no plastic cup so both hands are free). This is what worries your girlfriend: you could potentially wind up with two families and two sets of financial, legal and fatherly responsibilities. All parties need to get together to discuss things, understand what they’re getting into and, if it feels workable, draw up an agreement. Then you can plunge in. Meantime, you should practise for the big day. Whether it happens or not, it’s good to stay match-fit.

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