How to politely say ‘no’ to plans you can’t afford

Have you found yourself saying “yes” to something a friend or family member has suggested, even though you couldn’t really afford it? “Yes” even if you weren’t that interested? “Yes” even though it meant jeopardising your saving goals?

This one’s for you.

In continuously saying “yes” and spending beyond your means, start to ask yourself what you might be sacrificing.Credit: Dominic Lorrimer

Guilt, shame, the fear of missing out – these are common drivers for spending money. The emotional and social challenges that come with certain financial decisions are no joke. But in continuously saying “yes”, start to ask yourself what you might be sacrificing.

It can be difficult saying no to things – like a night out, a weekend away, or a fancy dinner – that put you out financially, especially if you’re not used to it.

If you feel the need to start and want to know how to go about it, Sydney-based financial therapist Jane Monica-Jones has some golden tips. She works with people who face chronic problems around money, such as overspending, underearning, gambling and feeling overwhelmed.

First things first, get to know yourself a little better

“Looking at the emotional loading around the pressure or obligation to do something is a really great way to start self-reflection,” says Monica-Jones. “It could be, ‘I feel guilty when I want to do what I want’. Or ‘if I do what I want, will I be liked or be loved? Will I still be a good friend?’

“Or do we feel like we have that fear of missing out? Are we feeling pressured to conform? How do we feel about going against the tide?”

Being aware of what motivates you to say “yes” will help you take the next step.

Consider who you’re speaking with

“Traditionally, our relationship with money or our financial situations can make us feel very vulnerable,” says Monica-Jones. “There’s lots of shame wrapped up in it and lots of comparison.”

The more we practice saying ‘no’, the stronger we get at setting boundaries.

Financial therapist Jane Monica-Jones

Before saying “no” to someone, Monica-Jones says it’s best to look at your level of psychological safety with that person and how you feel about openly sharing with them.

“We don’t feel psychologically safe with everyone – that’s just a natural thing. Just like we don’t often share all our hopes and fears with everybody.”

“If they’re a very good friend, and they truly care about our wellbeing, then we would say there’s probably more psychological safety to share a true experience of what’s happening for us around our finances,” she says.

You could say something like: “You know what, I just can’t afford it.” Or “I would love that, but it’s just not something I can afford”.

Do you need to explain why you’re saying ‘no’?

You don’t, it’s entirely up to you and could be influenced by the relationship with the person you’re responding to. “If you feel safe to explain further, then go for it. It could open into a bigger conversation that can actually be really wonderful for the relationship,” Monica-Jones says.

If you don’t feel psychologically safe, then it’s about setting boundaries. “You might think, ‘This is not the battle I need to continue with. I know who I am around this, and I’m going to leave it there’. There’s no need for us to go in depth about it.”

This is not just about saving money

Monica-Jones likens setting money boundaries to “building a muscle”.

“It needs practice and to build up. It will be weak at first and we might get a little shaky. But the more we practice saying no, the stronger we get at setting boundaries.”

“We think we’re unlimited as humans, but in fact, we are very limited. We have limited time, limited energy, we might have limited resources.” This is why it can be important to set clear boundaries around money, whether it’s spending, saving, investing and lending it.

Aside from responsibly managing money, working to limitations has other perks. It can encourage confidence and empowerment.

“The fact that we can work within a limitation to achieve goals is a really great thing for our self-esteem. It’s not just about feeling good, it’s about building that part of us that is about self-protection, self-worth and self-value. Having self-esteem is the cornerstone of so much.”

Be prepared, some people will dislike you saying ‘no’

And that’s an unavoidable part of it.

“Growing up, we might have been conditioned to think we’re not allowed to say ‘no’.” Monica-Jones says this originates from our “terrific twos” when we learn the word “no” and the potential consequences of saying it. These feelings can creep into adulthood.

But if there are big things at stake by always saying “yes”, you’ll need to start working on those money muscles.

Caterina Hrysomallis is a journalist specialising in culture, lifestyle and health.

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