When it comes to talking to teens about sex, this is the approach to avoid

I remember my sex education vividly. We did a bit in biology lessons about the basic anatomy of male and female genitalia, which, since I attended a Catholic girls day school, was just about as basic as it was possible to be.

I can still see our poor biology teacher to this day, some 45 years later. She was, at that point, about eight-and-a-half months’ pregnant, and she stood with her hands behind her back, leaning against a wall, eyes fixed firmly on the floor, going more and more pink as she spoke.

The way we talk about sex to our teenagers is still sadly lacking, and often leaves them in a state of confusion. Credit: Lumina / Stocksy United

“Sexual intercourse,” she said firmly, “only happens inside the bounds of matrimony. And only to a loving couple, with the intention of having a baby.”

That was absolutely it. Nothing about contraception, protection or consent. Nothing about how sex actually worked.

When I met my first boyfriend, at the age of 18, I literally didn’t have a clue about anything. I knew nothing about the logistics of sex and intimacy. I was completely unprepared. As for the idea that sex might be pleasurable, that was never spoken about.

Things have changed since then, thank goodness. But, even in the 2020s, the way we talk about sex to our teenagers is still sadly lacking, and often leaves them in a state of confusion. In many cases, when we talk about intercourse, we’re essentially talking about sex prevention. It is about anticipating what might go wrong – the unwanted pregnancies and the sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). If you are lucky enough to have any discussion about sex in your school, then all too often it is only about how to put a condom on correctly.

While my own children’s conversations about sex at school were a lot better than my convent experience, they still did not equip them with a positive understanding of their sexual awakening. They were taught how not to have sex because of the lurking dangers, and how to use contraception. Quite often, the information came tinged with the same semi-Christian morality that coloured my own upbringing.

The difficulty with this approach is that teenagers do have sex, and if your only strategy is to try and stop them, then it is doomed to fail. What’s more, today’s teenagers are surrounded by online images of sex and sexualised behaviour. Not a day goes by without some news story on the unregulated spread of pornography, or how sexualised images on social media are leading children into darker and darker territory. I’ve heard stories about nine-year-olds who have watched pornography without having the first understanding of how their bodies work or what they are watching.

In this way, children are becoming sexualised and seeing pictures of intercourse before they’ve even had a girlfriend or boyfriend, before they’ve kissed or held hands, before they’ve begun to explore one another’s bodies. Their sexual discovery is out of kilter with their own experience. As they grow older, this disconnect between their lived experience of their sexuality and what they believe they should be experiencing deepens.

It’s incredibly important to be age-appropriate when we talk about sex and intimacy with our children and teenagers, but encouraging body awareness in a suitable way from a young age might help them to understand their bodies, and therefore their sexual feelings, better. You obviously aren’t going to talk about the clitoris or an erect penis to primary school children, but you might want them to be supported in listening to themselves, and to be taught the appropriate language to ask for what they want from their teachers, or from their fellow classmates, and to have a sense of their bodies and how they will change.

There are numerous guides available for parents and adults to help them overcome any difficulty in tackling subjects that can seem sensitive and embarrassing. As my kids were growing up, our policy was to be truthful whenever they asked anything. If your children ask you something, it’s important to let them know you are a non-judgmental resource, to answer them with age-appropriate honesty and, if you don’t know something, tell them you will get back to them and then do your own research. This way, you can help your kids become confident about their own inquisitiveness.

In much of the world, our education is still quite Victorian in outlook. It’s a model that dictates to children, instead of listening to them and working out what information to share.

ITA O’BRIEN

Children have to separate themselves from their parents as they move into adulthood. This is why talking about sex in a positive and age-appropriate way with an independent adult, whom they trust, is so important. In much of the world, our education is still quite Victorian in outlook. It’s a model that dictates to children, instead of listening to them and working out what information to share.

I’m passionate about educating our children and teenagers so they can develop the emotional and verbal skills to make informed decisions about how they are in themselves and in their relationships, to help them listen to themselves, to enable them to keep the connection with their inner voice that tells them what is OK for them, and gives them the language in which they can ask for that in a respectful way.

If I’m really talking about utopia, I’d like us as a society to be asking ourselves what we can put in place in our primary schools to help children know that their instincts are valid and respected and to give them the appropriate language to ask for what they want, be it from a teacher, one of their friends or a parent. Girls are experiencing puberty and menstruating at a much younger age than in the past. Boys are masturbating at primary school level; by then, many will already have encountered some pornographic or explicit sexual images.

Ideally, children need to be supported to help them understand their bodies and how they work before they leave junior school. But we also need to go beyond biology and encourage them to know that what they feel about themselves is valuable, so they are equipped with a strong sense of self as they enter secondary school. They need to know their boundaries and to be able to say what upsets or confuses them.

Whether a parent or teacher, it’s important to know the best way to communicate with our children and teenagers. As we become more active listeners, our young people will continue to view us as valid sources of advice.

There will always be cultural differences in how these conversations take place. An agnostic parent’s response to a child’s question about where babies come from may be very different to that of someone from a strictly religious culture.

But I wonder whether attempting to ground sexual education in respect and openness might offer a way forward. If you are encouraging each young person within their family, within their restraints, to listen to themselves, then they can choose what to take on board. They might choose to observe cultural or religious traditions, or they might break with those. But you’re helping them to make the choice that is right for them.

Edited extract from Intimacy (Penguin Random House) by Ita O’Brien, out now.

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