We all get older but does anyone ever fully ‘grow up’?

I have a secret to share. It is an insight into human adults, a little nugget of truth I wish I’d known when I was younger: no one ever fully grows up. I used to imagine that life was a sort of linear progression towards enlightenment. You start off as a baby, become a child, then a teen and finally, in your 20s, an adult. For a couple of decades you’re still figuring things out, but at some point in your 40s or 50s you reach your destination. You’re all grown up. You know how things work. You are a fully realised human being.

“No one really grows up. There is no magic finish line at which we finally attain peak adulthood.”Credit: ISTOCK

Well, I was wrong. You don’t ever reach your destination. No one does. And this is true of the most ordinary and the most extraordinary people. I am now well into my 50s, and I have met numerous high achievers, powerful figures and celebrities over the years, due to my work, my connections and pure luck. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that no matter what their accomplishments, their age or their intellect, every single one of them is still a vulnerable child at heart.

There are people who make an extremely good show of being competent and confident and wise. Some of them – particularly those who are public figures – need to put on this show as part of their job. You don’t want a CEO, senior politician or your cardiothoracic surgeon being open about their fears and foibles.

But they have them – they all have them. Once you get to know highly successful people, you realise that while they may have areas of extreme competency, as human beings they are just as flawed as you and me.

I’ve heard a top surgeon speak earnestly about his belief in astrology. I’ve listened to a highly respected investigative journalist rant about her ex. I’ve seen a very senior lawyer have an adult tantrum about a parking fine.

So, no one really grows up. There is no magic finish line at which we finally attain peak adulthood. Sure, some people get wiser. Some gain life experience. But none of us ever fully work it all out. Even at 50 or 60, 80 or 100, we’re still making mistakes.

And even people at the top of their game – the heads of industry, the heads of state, the renowned artists and entertainers – have insecurities and shortcomings. They all want to be admired and liked. They all have times when they get anxious or irritable, lose their temper or say something stupid. They all have blind spots and weaknesses and foibles. And they all fall apart every now and again.

Once you realise this, you cannot unknow it. People get older, they learn things, they mature, but deep down they remain vulnerable kids. And this knowledge is a little bit scary. If no one is truly grown up, then who is making the decisions? Who is running our businesses and countries? A bunch of flawed adult children like you and me?

On the other hand, it’s kind of comforting. None of us need be intimidated by anyone, because nobody is fully evolved. There may be hierarchies, there may be power differentials, there may be financial inequality, but we are all just flawed and fumbling human beings.

So, no one really grows up. There is no magic finish line at which we finally attain peak adulthood.

“So does that mean I don’t have to respect my teachers?” I can hear my teenager ask. Well, we should all respect wisdom and experience and the specialised knowledge that experts bring to their fields. But we can be respectful of authority figures without believing that they are infallible. We can admire high achievers without assuming they are superior to us. We can remember that a person can be highly skilled or talented in one area, but not particularly skilled at life. And we should never deify anyone.

We all get older but no one really grows up. At worst, we are kids trapped in ageing bodies, still as volatile or as petty or as foolish as when we were young. I’ve met many grown adults whose emotional development seems to have halted around their mid-teens.

But at best, we are constantly learning and evolving as we move into our old age. And yes, it’s a bit of a shame that we will never be quite finished, that none of us will get to experience life as a perfectly evolved human being.

Perhaps, though, this is what gives life its meaning. It’s certainly what makes us all human. We can get wiser. We can achieve things. We can accumulate knowledge and money and power. But no matter who we are, no matter what we accomplish, we are all but works in progress, right until the very end.

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