The White Lotus makes female friendship trios look toxic. Here’s what it gets wrong

There’s a scene in The White Lotus’ third season where three long-time friends are chatting over wine. When they’re all together, the conversation is entirely positive. But as soon as one of them is out of earshot, the gossip begins. Suddenly, she doesn’t “look great”. She’s stalling at work. She drinks too much.

It’s a toxic dynamic many women can relate to if the slew of TikTok videos and think pieces shared after each episode are anything to go by. It all seems to confirm one message – that female friendship triangles are destined for failure.

The White Lotus makes female friendship triangles look messy and toxic. Is it a fair depiction?

But for Karen Robins, this couldn’t be further from the truth. She met her two friends, Julie Hall and Enza Viera, at a mothers’ group after having her first baby. Now, 27 years later, their children have grown, and Robins has moved suburbs. Yet, the trio remains as close as ever.

“When we catch up, it’s as though no time has lapsed. We can pick up where we left off,” she says.

If anything, Robins says their bond has grown stronger over the decades. Significant life events and challenges have deepened their conversations, and watching each other’s children grow has filled them with pride. Even when Viera and Hall occasionally see each other without her, Robins never feels like a third wheel.

Julie (left), Karen (centre) and Enza (right) have only grown closer over their 27 years of friendship.Credit: Wayne Taylor

“I’m very grateful to have crossed paths with these two amazing women, and we’ll only become stronger together as time passes. I cannot see any reason that this special friendship between the three of us will ever end.”

From Mean Girls to The White Lotus, female friendship triangles have often been given a bad rap, but is that fair?

“There are plenty of positive trios; it doesn’t always have to be toxic and negative,” says the president of the Australian Association of Psychologists Inc. Sahra O’Doherty.

“Our society is structured around couples. Things like the best-friend duo are idealised. So, we’ve accepted that if you have a larger group, you’re probably not going to be as close to each member, but that doesn’t always have to be the case.”

O’Doherty says trios can bring immense value to women’s lives. Having two different friends, each with their own strengths and points of view, to fall back on can build resilience and a sense of connection.

“Trios allow us to feel heard, understood and validated in a range of ways,” she says.

Psychologist and life coach Marny Lishman agrees. She says building multiple friendships helps you learn more about yourself. “Everyone is a mirror to us, so it can be helpful having people with different values around. The more, the merrier.”

Not all female trios engage in the rampant gossip seen between the three friends in The White Lotus, Lishman adds. This kind of behaviour occurs when personal insecurity is at play.

From Mean Girls to The White Lotus, we’ve been fed the notion that female friendship trios are toxic.Credit: Paramount

“People are less likely to gossip if they don’t feel under threat,” she says. “If you feel like you’re on the outer, but you’re comfortable because you know your two friends have known each other longer, or they’ve got more common interests, then you’ll know there’s no need to gossip.”

Friends Georgia Lynch, Lamiya Bata and Leah Barrett will sometimes pair off in twos depending on each person’s interest in the planned activity.

“Individual relationships with each other help instead of just existing as a trio. That way, we never run out of things to talk about,” Lynch says. “And we can always stay connected through the group chat.”

This doesn’t mean female friendship triangles never face challenges. Marlee Read, a 31-year-old hospitality consultant, says she was excluded from her trio after starting university.

“I realised they weren’t replying to my messages but were commenting on each other’s posts,” she says. “Then, they posted a picture of the two of them in London, which is where I was living at the time, but they hadn’t invited me … I realised I had become the less important person in the group, so I thought, ‘I’ll put more effort into the friends who actually want to see me.’”

Mahzad Hojjat, author of The Psychology of Friendship, says total balance between three friends is almost impossible to achieve. However, she says equal balance isn’t necessarily essential.

“If there are genuine feelings of love, care and respect within a group, then members would want to maintain an environment that’s supportive of and fair to all friends.”

What about teen trios?

Hojjat says issues like one-upmanship, jealousy and gossip can be more apparent within female teen trios since they’re still developing their social skills and individual identities. While these behaviours could carry into adult friendships if left unchecked, she says it can be prevented with some simple internal reflection.

“They should ask themselves two questions: Based on their actions, do their friends want the best for them or not, and does the friendship involve more positive than negative interactions? If the answer is no to either question, they should seriously consider leaving the friendship.”

O’Doherty agrees, adding that things like exclusion and one-upmanship can plague any friendship, regardless of the number of people involved.

“It doesn’t matter whether it’s a trio or a duo; if someone is generally competitive or unreliable, it will place strain on the friendship.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.