The power of a ‘like’: How to navigate social media after divorce

When Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Furness announced the end of their 27-year marriage last year, it was largely framed as an amicable split. Recently, however, one Instagram “like” sent the entire narrative into question.

Last month, content creator Tasha Lustig posted a video claiming that Jackman had allegedly “blindsided” Furness by revealing his affair with actress Sutton Foster.

The response to Furness’ seemingly benign “like” shows that anything on social media can snowball.Credit: Carl Timpone

According to US Weekly, Furness “liked” the video from her private account. This interaction, whether intentional or not, appeared to confirm Jackman’s rumoured infidelity.

For many, the temptation to share cryptic “likes” and updates, or to check ex-partners’ accounts after a separation is difficult to resist. But can social media be used in a constructive way during a break-up or should it be avoided?

Follow or unfollow?

While every break-up is different, sex and relationship therapist Mim Kempson says it’s often useful to mute your ex online, at least during the early healing stages.

“Social media posts or stories never really show the full picture. Many of us are prone to magnifying or assuming what’s going on in the other person’s life,” Kempson says. “If you’re prone to anxiety or over-thinking, it’s rarely going to be helpful having that social media exposure.”

Muting or hiding is often preferable since your ex won’t know what you’ve done, Kempson notes. Blocking or unfollowing can seem like more of a statement or a passive-aggressive dig. If you feel the need to remove them from your account permanently, Kempson suggests sending a simple, respectful message explaining your decision.

“You could write, ‘I need time to process this. It feels best for me to unfollow you at this time’,” Kempson says.

The temptation to constantly check an ex’s feed, or even their online status, is common, says president of the Australian Association of Psychologists Inc, Sahra O’Doherty. However, this behaviour is usually fed by anxieties and is rarely properly satiated.

“This often leads to a vicious cycle of continuously needing to check,” O’Doherty says.

This can extend to friends of an ex, who may post content that includes them.

“This is tricky because over a long relationship, friendship groups intermingle and become mutual friends. Ultimately, openness and honest communication are key, and deciding who you trust and would like to remain in contact with can happen on a case-by-case basis,” O’Doherty says.

She notes that certain platforms such as Facebook have functions that allow you to “hide” photos of people you no longer want to see. As for your own photos with an ex, O’Doherty says some people may find deleting them cathartic. However, it’s usually safer to file them in a separate folder and revisit the decision at a later date.

“You might enjoy those memories later on after you’ve gained some time and distance.”

What to avoid

The response to Furness’ seemingly benign “like” is evidence that anything on social media can snowball. Consequently, it’s essential to keep online interactions as neutral as possible following a separation, says Associated Counsellors and Psychologists Sydney chief executive Dan Auerbach.

“It’s best to avoid interactions that could be misinterpreted. Liking or commenting on your ex’s posts can send mixed messages,” he says.

“Keeping things neutral helps maintain a respectful distance, which is especially important if you need to co-parent or share a social network.”

Checking your ex’s social media accounts, as well as their friends’, can become a compulsive and vicious cycle.Credit: Getty Images

When in doubt, write it in your notes app to reflect on later or share it privately with a trusted friend first.

Auerbach says social media posts can be used in custody or financial disputes. So it’s vital that you’re comfortable with the possibility of anything you share online eventually being used in court.

Should your friends unfollow your ex?

Despite your best efforts to create space, you may find your friends are still “stalking” your ex online and updating you on their content. While you can’t tell a friend to unfollow your ex, Kempson says it’s important to communicate your feelings.

“Try and come from a grounded place. There’s no shame in not having a specific request. You can just let them know how it makes you feel, and they could then take the lead.”

Using social media constructively

While social media can keep you in the loop, Kempson says it doesn’t necessarily prioritise genuine, quality connection. It’s often more constructive to spend less time on socials and instead meet friends and family in person or catch up over the phone or FaceTime.

If you decide to eventually reconnect with an ex, O’Doherty suggests taking it slow and carefully evaluating your intentions. “There may be reasons you want to reconnect, but there are also reasons why the relationship ended.”

Auerbach adds that it’s best to begin by sending them a private message to see if you’re both on the same page emotionally. If they aren’t, those boundaries must be respected.

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