The in-laws’ mutts are driving us nuts. What can we do?

My in-laws insist on bringing their dogs to our home every time they visit, letting them run through our house and even swim in our pool. We don’t own a dog and don’t know how to ask them not to do this without appearing to reject the furry members of their family.
J.H., North Ryde, NSW

Credit: Simon Letch

A: What selfish, thoughtless in-laws, letting their dirty, dopey dogs enter your pristine, dogless home and swim in your pool … is what I would’ve said three years ago before I became a selfish, thoughtless dog-owner who lets his dirty, dopey dog enter people’s pristine, dogless homes and swim in their pool, eat off their floors, crap in their garden and sleep in their bed. (“Don’t move her. She looks so comfy on your pillow. Awwww.” )

Owning a dog does this to humans: it transforms us from decent, considerate folk into mindless, sycophantic slaves desperate to please our Dog-Lords: “Want your belly rubbed for several hours, m’Dog-Lord?” “Want premium Italian prosciutto for afternoon tea, m’Dog-Lord?” “Want to run through this beachside hooded-plover sanctuary despite the signs everywhere saying dogs are not allowed? Run free m’Dog-Lord! Run freeeeeee!”

But it’s not our fault: it’s the power of the dog. They cunningly manipulate us with doggy mind-control tricks: cutesey-wutesy puppy-eyes, flippy-floppy ear-flapping, and the extremely potent fuzzy-muzzly nuzzling. So go easy on your in-laws: they have no free will. Either be honest and discuss the problem, or tell them you’ve developed a dog allergy and can’t have dogs in the house anymore, like many of my dogless friends have told me. Now we hardly see each other. I’m starting to think their allergy to dogs might actually be an allergy to Katz.

Even Zyrtec can’t help with that.

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