The adults in Adolescence are clueless. Here’s how to do better
By Nell Geraets
For many parents, Netflix’s crime drama Adolescence is not an easy watch. Though it centres on a 13-year-old boy accused of murdering his classmate, its warning about the profound risks of unchecked social media use could apply to any child.
Over four episodes, Adolescence explores a darker side of social media where the “manosphere” and “incel culture” slither into young people’s feeds. While these radical subcultures aren’t new, the show sheds light on the parents’ perspective – the fear, uncertainty and ignorance around their children’s online lives.
Adolescence highlights a concern most parents have today: what is my child being exposed to online?
As of 2020, Australian teens spend an average of 14.4 hours a week online, with most active on four different social media platforms. According to the eSafety Commission, 44 per cent of teens said they had a negative experience online in the six months before September 2020.
Even with upcoming social media age restrictions announced by the federal government, it’s important that parents engage with their teens about what they see and do online.
Given the evolving nature of social media, it’s not an easy ask. But experts say there are ways to ease the process.
Start the conversation early
Steven Roberts, an education and social justice professor at Monash University, suggests beginning conversations about online safety before your child has joined social media.
“Children should understand their words and actions online have consequences and that the words of others should also be kind. We can cultivate a sensibility [where children are] aware of harmful rhetoric even if it’s aimed at others and not the kid who’s viewing the content.”
Jamie’s parents in Adolescence are confronted with the knowledge that they could have done more to protect their son from harmful online rhetoric.
Avoid over-reliance on parental controls
There are family-friendly routers that allow parents to control and monitor a household’s Wi-Fi use.
However, Julie Inman Grant, Australia’s eSafety Commissioner, says it’s more important to teach teens digital literacy than it is to control their online activity. This includes communicating about the kinds of sites they visit and their social media privacy settings.
“Children need the tools to navigate the online world safely,” she says. “That’s why education and prevention remain at the heart of eSafety’s work, ensuring young people are empowered, engaged, and digitally literate.”
Relying too heavily on parental controls could suggest mistrust, which may encourage the child to access age-inappropriate or risky content via secondary accounts.
Talk, don’t tell
Open, two-way communication is key when speaking with your child about online behaviour, Roberts says. This means avoiding direct “orders” to ban behaviours with no reasoning.
“We must foster openness about the way some content can be harmful and develop understandings of how filter bubbles work and the risk of routes to radicalisation … The key is keeping the conversation open.”
If you don’t think your child is ready for social media, Roberts suggests framing it in a less permanent way.
“Keep it open-ended by saying something like, ‘It’s not a never, just a not yet’. You can be clear that it isn’t about control or ruining fun, but about making sure they’re safe and ready.”
Derek McCormack, director of the Raising Children Network, also recommends offering alternatives, such as child-friendly apps like YouTube Kids or a joint, parent-managed account, which can help familiarise younger children with social media in a more controlled way.
Meet them where they are
Let the teen decide how they want you to engage with them online, Roberts says. You could ask them if they’re comfortable with you following them on Instagram and respect their response. Maintaining that trust is vital for future honest communication.
McCormack says regular, relaxed conversations help parents connect with their children on tougher issues. These could take place in the car on the way to sport or school, on a walk, or while making dinner.
“Ask who they’re following on Instagram or TikTok and why they like them,” he says. “Showing interest in their online activities helps build positive parent-child relationships.”
Leading by example is also effective. McCormack says discussing your own social media use, as well as misinformation and online trends, can encourage teens to open up and better understand what good-quality information is.
“Parents could involve their teens in making a family technology plan where everyone negotiates the rules together. This includes social media guidelines and the parents’ screen time, too,” he adds.
If your child is experiencing issues online, empower them to resolve it. McCormack says this means letting them make the decisions while you walk them through options, such as blocking or reporting.
“Letting them take control helps [them] feel safer … Parents should praise and thank their child for talking with them about cyberbullying – and make sure they know it’s not their fault.”
Feeling lost? Here are some helpful parent resources
- The basics of online safety
- Navigating hard-to-have conversations
- Is my child old enough to have social media?
- Access online resources via ThinkUKnow
- Information on social media’s impact on teens
- How to report illegal or harmful online content
Familiarise yourself with “emoji-talk”
In episode two of Adolescence, teenage Adam describes the hidden meaning of several emojis to his father.
“Red means love, purple – horny, yellow – ‘I’m interested, are you interested’, pink – ‘I’m interested, but not in sex’,” he explains.
Young people have long used different symbols and acronyms to communicate within their friendship groups, Roberts says. Notably, meanings can differ across age groups and locations.
“It’s a central aspect of the binding of youth cultures … But emojis and other shorthand can also be used to covertly share extremist views, reinforce problematic norms of masculinity, or normalise harmful behaviours,” he says.
“Their use in this context could also desensitise people to the underlying misogyny or violence being expressed, and could allow harmful ideas to spread more easily among younger users who may not at first grasp its symbolic weight.”
It’s an evolving space, Roberts notes, as new emojis and hidden meanings regularly appear.
“We’ll never learn the vernacular entirely, but we can stay curious and ask our teens. If you’re worried, check online slang dictionaries, or follow youth culture trends through social media yourself.”
Elsewhere, the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation regularly updates definitions of common emojis and acronyms.
Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.