Splitting up? This quick guide to family relationships after divorce will keep you sane

When Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman both attended the Cannes Film Festival last month, column inches were dedicated to whether or not the former married couple would bump into each other, and how they’d react if they did. (They didn’t.)

While most of us won’t be troubled by decisions about which red carpets to avoid, the sentiment is no doubt familiar — when a divorce is under way, and for the months and sometimes even years afterwards, there are most likely going to be situations where you simply can’t avoid your ex. So, how do you ensure those shared events are as easy as they can be for everyone involved?

While their marriages may have ended some time ago Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have all navigated their post divorce relationships to prioritise their children.Credit: Graphic: Michael Howard

Switch into your new relationship

When a marriage breaks down, the way you behave, respond and deal with challenges will form the basis of your ongoing relationship — and getting together at family gatherings or school events is a great chance to put that to the test.

“When a marriage ends, you transform from a romantic relationship into a co-parenting partnership,” says Dr Helen Stallman, clinical psychologist with the Triple P Family Transitions Program.

“How you do that pretty much dictates the future, and how you are going to manage those ongoing interactions. Ideally, both parents will be there at a school concert or a wedding or the birth of a grandchild. If you’re in that co-parenting relationship, where this is just your child’s other parent, you will be able to cope well with that.”

Focus on yourself

A good working relationship depends to an extent on your former partner and how well they manage it, but you only really have control over your own decisions and actions.

“A successful transition through divorce is focusing on yourself rather than the other person,” says Stallman. “If you don’t get drawn back into thoughts about that old relationship, then you can go into those shared situations in the future — and if you have children there will be many of them — you can get on with your life, and the sooner you can do that, the better.”

Know that sometimes it’s OK to say no

Should you go to Boxing Day at the in-laws, because that’s what you’ve always done? The short answer is: no. Sometimes it’s OK, even advisable, to do things separately.

“One of the first things to consider is whether attending together is a good idea at all,” says Naomi Doyle, family dispute resolution practitioner at Relationships Australia NSW. “If conflict is still high, it may be better to celebrate separately to avoid ruining the day for everyone, especially your children.”

“Part of leaving a bad relationship is doing what brings you joy,” says Stallman. “You don’t have to put yourself in a situation where you’re not comfortable. If it’s not comfortable for you, chances are it’s not going to be comfortable for your kids, your friends, the extended family, or your ex.”

Keep communicating and carry on

If you do attend an event with your ex, it’s important to keep your focus on your children’s experience — even when they’re not in the room. Avoid difficult conversations by setting boundaries in advance that will help keep things calm.

“Clearly communicate the plan for the day ahead of time so everyone knows what to expect. Agreeing on who is arriving or leaving with the children, and when,” says Doyle.

“If tension starts to build, pause and take a breath. Give yourself a moment to respond with intention, rather than reacting on autopilot. If things aren’t settling, suggest coming back to the conversation later when emotions have cooled. Above all, keep your focus on your children. Their sense of safety and stability should guide your choices in difficult moments.”

Be mindful of crossing the line

It’s not unusual when a relationship ends to want to stay close to your former partner’s family. Being suddenly excluded from occasions such as the birthdays of people you have grown to love can be painful.

“We all need our own support systems around us, and families and friends often divide when people get divorced,” says Stallman. “Family is your ex’s safe space, so if your turning up at a family lunch is not comfortable for your former partner, it’s not fair to encroach.”

Stars who have nailed family events post-divorce

In March, Ben Affleck and ex-wife Jennifer Garner were spotted together at their son Samuel’s 13th birthday party. The pair often attend sporting events and family dinners together. “These years are too important,” Affleck has said. “If I miss them, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

Rumer Willis, Bruce Willis, Tallulah Belle Willis, Demi Moore, Marlene Willis and Scout LaRue Willis have maintained strong family ties despite the couple divorcing 25 years ago. Credit: Getty Images For Comedy Central

Following their divorce in 2016, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have taken annual family holidays with their son Flynn, along with their respective new partners.

“It’s like we’re a blended family,” Kerr shared with Access Hollywood. “We go on family vacations together, we enjoy each other’s company, it’s great.”

And Bruce Willis and Demi Moore proved to be model exes after divorcing in 2000.

“They always made an effort to do all of the family events still together and made such an effort to still have our family be as one unit, as opposed to two separate things, which I think really made an impact,” daughter Rumer Willis told Larry King.

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