She found fame looking for love, but at 55, Elizabeth Gilbert is happily single

This story is part of the December 15 edition of Sunday Life.See all 13 stories.

After leaving her marriage in 2002, author Elizabeth Gilbert took a sabbatical in India, Italy and Indonesia in which she rediscovered love, then wrote about her experiences in a memoir. Published in 2006, Eat, Pray, Love has sold more than 12 million copies and made her a household name.

Since then, Gilbert has published six more books and continues to travel the world, sharing insights from her journey of self-discovery. Now 55, she embraces the future with confidence and on her own terms, even shaving her head to challenge conventional beauty standards.

It’s been nearly 20 years since Eat, Pray, Love was published. How do you feel knowing the title is now used as a phrase to describe spiritual and personal awakening?
One thing I am so proud of in my life is that Eat, Pray, Love is now a term. It’s not that people didn’t do it – people have travelled alone for a multitude of reasons and for the longest time – but we didn’t have a catchy and universally understood term that meant, “I need to get away, I need to do this by myself, and I need to do this for deeply personal reasons.” Whether that’s to do with a break-up or a huge change of life, it’s about saying, “I am coming back as a very different person than when I left – if I come back at all!” I think it’s cool that we now have an expression that is a shorthand for all of that, and it’s one I’m happy to be associated with.

Did your Eat, Pray, Love journey happen time and again or could it only ever happen once?
I don’t think it can happen again for me, nor do I think it needs to. If a trip like that is successful, something in you changes and you can never go back. There was an innocence in that journey as well as an earnestness from where that journey began – it was a place of confusion and I didn’t know if it was going to work. I always call a human life “Earth school”, and as long as you’re here and Earth school is in session, there are epiphanies and awakenings on the menu all the time.

You spent your early career writing for men’s magazines such as GQ and Esquire. When did you start to feel the desire to write about yourself rather than men’s topics?
Those were the days when magazines paid really well. When I was a young woman, I remember this sense that men had all the cooler stuff, and I wanted to be in that world. I don’t think I was necessarily wrong to observe that. Men did have much more freedom, they had more privileges, whereas the women I saw growing up were tired and angry. They had reason to be that way, but it didn’t make me want to chase their lives. Then I became a tired and angry woman myself.

I got married, and suddenly I was putting a meal in front of a guy every night. I was like, “wait a minute, I used to be an interesting person. I used to work on a ranch in Wyoming. I used to travel the world. I’ve been in Mexico for the eclipse.” I had a nervous breakdown, and an internal journey had to happen, and that’s the book.

It’s still funny to me that Eat, Pray, Love is like the uber chick-lit book. I was like, “wow, I never thought I would be that person”. But I am so proud to be that person. It’s been a long time since I even thought about men, and they used to be the centre of my world.

Who do you turn to in tough emotional times?
It takes a village to keep me propped up! When my mind comes after me with a knife, I turn to friends I have known for 30 years. They are my history and know me. But I am also an addict in recovery [from sex and love addiction]. I go to 12-step meetings every day, and I am around people who understand what it’s like to have a mind that’s like a dangerous neighbourhood. I have a sponsor and fellowship and that’s my community – the core of my life.

I also have [American author] Glennon Doyle on speed dial. We call each other all the time. I heard a woman say recently, “everything I used to think I had to find in one man, I understand now I can only get from a community of women”. A full community of women keep me alive and I love it.

What do your fans want from you these days?
They want permission. I am happy to self-identify as a walking permission slip. That could be permission for them to get a divorce, even if their husbands aren’t beating them. It’s acknowledging that the man you chose to marry might not be the worst and is fundamentally a good person, but you want to die every single day and will die if you stay in this marriage. These people want permission to not have children in a world that tells them they won’t be fulfilled until they do. They want permission to write books, to make art, to travel alone. They are looking for permission, and if I can give it, I will.

What gets better with age?
Everything. There is so much that culture teaches women that is not only misleading but absolute Freaky Friday nonsense. One of these things is the terror of ageing and the messaging about how our worth slowly devalues as we get older and lose what we hideously refer to as our looks. This is inconsistent with what studies show – that women get happier as we get older.

We know that because how many 50-year-olds would replace themselves with their 20-year-old self? I wouldn’t even trade myself now with my 40-year-old self. It’s so anchoring to get older. Unless you’re really not paying attention, you’re picking up wisdom and perspective, you’re getting better at setting boundaries and knowing who you are and who you aren’t. Not everybody gets to be in their 50s; it’s a lucky thing.

I don’t know what the future holds but it’s very difficult for me to imagine what it would be like to have hair again.Credit: Deborah Lopez

Why did you cut your hair off?
I didn’t just cut it off, I shaved it off. I got clippers and took it all off. I do it once a week.

I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s very difficult for me to imagine what it would be like to have hair again. I remember being at an event in New York and being around a bunch of people in their 50s. Every man had his hair buzzed, and it looked so good – these silver foxes with lines in their faces. All the women had some version of long, complicated-looking hair and all were blonde.

I was looking around, wondering why we’re still doing this. The only reason I can imagine is that you want your hair to be attractive and seductive, but that’s not a good enough reason. I was like, “I can sit here and complain about the beauty standards for men and women or just go home and buzz my head”. And I did, and I claimed the privilege that men have. What if I could jump in an ocean and come out and my hair is perfect? What if I could get out of bed and my hair is perfect? Get off a 13-hour flight, hair is perfect! I didn’t wait for the culture to change, I went and did it anyway.

What pressures did you put on yourself when you were younger?
I wanted to be pretty. I was not a tomboy or a butch girl. I was a very romantic girl and I wanted men to look at me with rapture and desire and I did all I could for that. I look at [my younger self] now with a great deal of compassion. She was lovelorn and love hungry, very insecure and needed more assurance than the world could provide. I did everything I could to get it – God bless her.

You were in a relationship with Rayya Elias from 2016 until she died from pancreatic cancer in 2018. Tell us about that.
It’s not so much about being with a woman or a man for me. Being with Rayya wasn’t a big deal, but it is what people want to know about. I loved her so much. It was her honesty I was drawn to. The greatest thing about Rayya was that you always knew where you stood. The directness, the willingness to sail the ship into the gale. She used to say “let’s lay it all on the table”. It was fearless. She was my role model.

Did you experience deep grief after Rayya’s death, or lose motivation?
Motivation hasn’t been an issue for me. I didn’t lose the will to live when Rayya died. I wrote a poem for her which said “It’s not that I wanted to die when you died, I just wanted to be where you were.” I missed her and wanted to find a way to connect.

Grief is a vivid experience. It is not the same thing as depression. Depression is flat and life-destroying; grief is electric and almost unbearably alive. All true grief contains an element of rejoicing. I found grieving to be brutal and f---ing intense, but I didn’t find it to be life destroying.

Are you in a relationship now?
I have dated, and I have been involved, but I am not that interested. I feel like my 50s are the decade I am giving myself as a gift. When I am in a relationship, I give my whole self. I’ve done that all my life and I don’t want to have that leakage any more. It’s like a hole in the boat; it all pours out of me and I can’t seem to stop. I want to pour into myself, my work and my friendships.

What are you still seeking in life?
Enlightenment. I always want it to happen overnight, and it never has. One of the monks I studied with in India told me that instantaneous bliss dissolves instantaneously. I am not looking for that instantaneous awakening any more. I don’t think there’s a better use of my life than to search for communion and union with what I call God, and that involves hours of daily practice. Part of the reason I don’t want to be in a relationship is that I don’t want to give that up; it’s the most important thing in my life.

An Evening with Elizabeth Gilbert will tour from February 1 to 15, 2025.

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