‘Mummy, when will you die?’ How I talk to my children about death

“Mummy, when will you die?”

This was the unprompted question I was recently ambushed with on a cosy winter’s night, as I lay next to my five-year-old daughter at bedtime.

As she tried to drift off, her inquisitive brain was thinking about death, something that has been an ongoing conversation in our household since I lost my older brother Tim in 2021.

While I felt like I’d been punched in the guts, wanting to lie and say I’d be by her side forever, I calmly told her that no one knows when they’ll die, but if I’m lucky, Mummy will be here for a long time. And if I’m really lucky, maybe until I’m an old lady.

Bella Brennan’s older brother Tim, holding her daughter.

Death has been on my oldest daughter’s mind lately, and she’ll often floor me with an out-of-the-blue question about her late uncle that is as equally sweet as it is heartbreaking, ranging from “But why did he die?” to “How come I can’t see him in the sky?”

Seeing her meditate on the fact one of her close family members is no longer around has been fascinating. Conversations about death aren’t a topic you’ll find in most parenting books, but they’re something I desperately want to get right.

The beauty of parenting is that we’re all just making it up as we go along and hoping for the best. However, I have found certain strategies particularly helpful with my girls, who are five and almost three. According to parent educator and child psychologist Jaimie Bloch, establishing healthy dialogues and rituals around death is a crucial first step.

Create family rituals

Soon after my brother died, my psychologist advised me to connect his spirit to nature. I loved this idea because my partner and I aren’t religious; instead of introducing a concept like heaven, we tell our daughters that Uncle Tim is in the stars watching over them.

Creating family rituals also ensures Tim is woven into the daily fabric of our lives. At bedtime most nights, the girls blow him a kiss goodnight, we pick flowers to take to his memorial bench, and there are photos of him around the house, ensuring he will never be the elephant in the room.

According to Bloch, creating rituals helps kids process their feelings in a safe way. “These activities help children see that while things change, we always have our memories, and they don’t take away from the joy and great experiences we’ve had,” she says.

Don’t censor your emotions

On my bad days, I don’t mask my sadness. My daughters have seen my tear-stained face on many occasions, especially in those early days when my grief was still so raw, but I’m proud I didn’t lock myself away in those moments. As Bloch explains, modelling healthy behaviour helps demystify feelings around death and illustrates to our children that it’s OK to be upset about losing someone we love.

“Explain what you are feeling sad or angry about, and remind them it’s nothing to do with them or anything they have done,” Bloch recommends.

Bloch says that teaching our children to embrace the full spectrum of feelings is the building block for healthy emotional intelligence.

When speaking to children about death, experts recommend using clear, honest language.Credit: Getty Images

Be open to their questions

When kids ask us confronting questions, our initial reaction can often be to avoid them and change the subject. It’s human instinct to want to protect our most innocent members of society from the harsh realities of life, but as Bloch says, children can pick up on our avoidance, making them more anxious.

She suggests we face these moments head-on with gusto, love and courage. “Acknowledge their feelings and answer their questions in an age-appropriate manner,” she says. “Openly and honestly discussing death helps children develop healthy coping mechanisms and understand this natural part of life. Creating a safe space for questions and validating their feelings fosters trust and emotional processing.”

Use simple and honest language

Bloch says the best way to have these chats is to use clear and simple language. Be straightforward with your terminology, and say things like “they have died” instead of euphemisms such as “passed away” or “gone to sleep”, which they may interpret too literally.

“When we use ambiguous language, especially with young children who have magical thinking, they will not understand the finality of the loss, and this will interfere with the grieving process,” Bloch says.

While my daughters are young, I’ve kept explanations of Tim’s death simple. Bloch suggests that parents can introduce abstract concepts like burial, cremation, and spiritual or religious beliefs around ages five to seven.

As my daughter sleeps, I realise what a privilege it is to have these kinds of conversations with her, and I hope that she’ll always feel comfortable and empowered to ask me these big questions.

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