Megan Phelps-Roper: ‘I was one of the loudest voices of my generation’

Megan Phelps-Roper is an American political activist best known for being a former member of the Westboro Baptist Church. Here, the 38-year-old shares her memories of her controversial grandfather, the teacher who made a difference in her life, and meeting her now-husband in an unexpected way.

Megan Phelps-Roper was raised with an “us versus them” mentality.Credit: Getty Images for Glamour

My maternal grandfather, Fred Phelps, was a strong man with strong opinions and the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, USA. I would sit in the church pew on Sunday mornings and hear him railing against gay people. I would also stand on picket lines doing the same thing. I loved him and have a picture of us taken when I was three – I’m sitting in his lap looking at him in awe.

I knew Gramps was a controversial figure and understood it was something he relished. From a young age, I was raised with an “us versus them” mentality. It never seemed wrong because everyone around me felt the same way. My mom, Shirley, was close to her dad, very much Gramps’ right hand in the church.

My dad, Brent, was best friends with Mom’s youngest brother, Tim. Mom is six years older than Dad. He was a skateboarder who broke his arm skating to Tom Petty’s Refugee and would skip school to spend time with her. They got married when Dad was 20.

I love my dad’s gentleness. He worked in human resources and is incredibly emotionally intelligent. So much of what they do at Westboro is the opposite of that.

I was one of the loudest voices of my generation because I took our church’s message to social media and was a zealous believer. People would ask me why the men weren’t more prominent in our church. Dad was also a zealous believer, but it wasn’t his personality to be as outspoken.

It reinforced my feeling that it doesn’t matter how much you sacrifice and invest in the church, at any point they can turn on you.

MEGAN PHELPS-ROPER

I left the church in 2012, two years before my grandfather died. At first, he was softly spoken and empathetic and told me you don’t fix problems by leaving. Then his voice changed and he looked to Mom and said, “I thought we had a jewel this time. I guess I was wrong.” I cried all the harder hearing it.

A year after I left the church, my brother Zach also left. He was the one who told me Gramps wasn’t giving sermons any more, that he was sick and in hospice care and had been voted out of the church.

I secretly went to visit him in Kansas. It was horrible to see Gramps so sick and alone and it reinforced my feeling that it doesn’t matter how much you sacrifice and invest in the church, at any point they can turn on you. And they turned on him.

My high school English teacher, Mr Newry, was never afraid to talk about Westboro in class and showed a willingness to engage with me on Twitter. I reached out to him shortly before I left the church and he taught me about existentialism and gave me books to read. I found out later that he was an atheist. He is still a very good friend of mine.

David Abitbol ran a blog called Jewlicious and was one of 100 influential Jews on Twitter targeted by Westboro in 2009. He was also the person who found the inconsistency in the Westboro doctrine, the loose thread that unravelled the entire garment for me. When I realised we were wrong about that, I wondered what else were we wrong about.

David and I became friends after I left the church. He invited me to a Jewish festival I’d previously protested at and took me to the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles, where I saw an exhibit that featured my family. He told me my family had added to the brokenness in the world and I had responsibility to repair it.

I met my husband, Chad, on Twitter – he would send me angry messages at first. It was only after eight months of talking online that I dreamt about meeting him and in the dream, I embraced him. We met in person for the first time in 2013. He was my first date and my first kiss – I had never even held the hand of a man before.

Once I left the church, I didn’t think I would ever marry or have kids. I was down on the idea until I met Chad. We have two children, a daughter aged five and a 20-month-old son.

Megan Phelps-Roper is appearing at Sydney’s Festival of Dangerous Ideas.

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