It’s not just office romances that cause heartbreak at work

“What did I do wrong? What more could I have done? Why wasn’t I enough? Why is this happening to me?” These four questions spilled from my friend’s lips while her arms flapped in the air.

“It’s not you, it’s them,” I replied.

“They’ll never find someone like me,” she spluttered.

Just like in personal relationships, the workplace can inflict its own brand of heartache.Credit: ISTOCK

Despite sounding like a conversation about a romantic break-up, these words actually stem from the moment my friend was “let go” from her dream job. Usually so positive and glass half full, she was crushed. It was a bad case of office heartbreak.

Just like in personal relationships, the workplace can inflict its own brand of heartache – whether it’s the sudden blow of redundancy, the restructuring that leaves you adrift or being pushed out, aka quiet firing. If you’ve found yourself nursing wounds inflicted by your employer, rest assured, you’re not alone; this experience is more common than you think.

About 18 months ago, I had a lightbulb moment for my debut novel, in of all places, the shower. Sitting there on the chilly tiles – a quirky habit from living in a snug bathtub-less terrace in Sydney’s Glebe – I squealed “bloody brilliant”. I decided I was going to channel all the frustrated workplace venting of my female friends into something constructive.

Office heartbreak mirrors the emotional rollercoaster of romantic entanglements. The relentless barrage of self-doubt; questions like “why wasn’t I enough?”

JILL VALENTINE

Freshly let go from my own job, I embarked on more formal “research” conversations with other women about their work experiences. Had they ever been ousted and if so, how did that ousting make them feel?

What emerged was a universal truth: office heartbreak mirrors the emotional rollercoaster of romantic entanglements. The relentless barrage of self-doubt; questions like “why wasn’t I enough?” – echoed the sentiments of being dumped in high school. And the cocktail of emotions shared by these women ranged from anger and humiliation to anxiety and hopelessness, not unlike romantic heartbreak.

Of all the dumping stories recounted, the cruellest seemed to be the ones that didn’t stem from incompetence but from a clash of personalities – when their face simply didn’t fit the mould preferred by management. While this is undoubtedly a bitter pill to swallow, the workplace, much like the broader world, is a landscape of varied connections and disconnections. Not everyone will resonate with you, and unfortunately, some bosses just want you out.

A quiet firing approach, in my opinion, has to be one of the most insidious forms of employment termination. It’s when bosses opt for the silent, gradual erosion of morale as a sneaky way of showing you the door. It involves making workplace conditions so unbearable that quitting feels like the only option.

Signs of this stealthy dismissal include setting unattainable performance targets, shifting your responsibilities, withholding promising opportunities, altering job descriptions and withholding expected pay rises or bonuses. The psychological toll can be immense – it’s a slow torture that chips away at your confidence.

Some employers pull this stunt to dodge financial obligations, and to expedite the departure of people they don’t like. Yet, this tactic reeks of cowardice – a manipulative manoeuvre that sacrifices employee wellbeing for managerial convenience. One friend’s recounting of a colleague’s coerced resignation through constant insinuations of incompetence, made me want to vomit.

Now, unless you’re cushioned by a healthy financial safety net, your immediate concern after being let go will be the sudden upheaval of your financial stability – a reality that necessitates an immediate review of outgoings including a halt to discretionary spending and Zara binges. But the real gut punch comes from the erosion of self-esteem.

Of course, at this point you might want to comfort your ousted friend with an “it’s not you, it’s them,” but as I learned, that’s just white noise. Rebuilding shattered confidence after such a blow is a Herculean task, like healing a broken heart. Rushing into the next job opportunity? Bad idea. Just like rebounding into a new relationship without processing the scars of the past, you need time to lick your wounds and remember your worth.

So, where do you start? Anger and resentment are natural responses, but don’t let those feelings run away from you. After all, your next employer is unlikely to be the same (you would be incredibly unlucky if they were), and should not be judged based on your experience.

Find your support squad – friends, family or professional networks. Embrace vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness. Take small steps towards feeling good about yourself. Nurture your wellbeing, both physically and emotionally, before diving back into the job hunt. Wake up early, exercise, eat well, avoid anything that’s going to drag you down – which if you’re like me might be alcohol.

In the end, just as in matters of the heart, the key lies in acceptance. Acknowledge the past, but don’t let it define your future. Recognise that the right fit is out there, waiting to be discovered. And remember, healing takes time – but with patience, perseverance and a dash of self-compassion, the wounds of office heartbreak will eventually fade, leaving room for new beginnings and much brighter horizons. Tomorrow is a new day!

High Heels and Low Blows (Fair Play) by Jill Valentine is out now.

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