It didn’t work for Ben and JLo, but it is possible: How to get back with an ex

When Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck announced their reunion after 17 years apart, many saw it as proof that fairytale romances can come true. But Bennifer have called it quits for the second time, with Lopez filing for divorce on August 20, their second wedding anniversary.

But it is possible to reunite with an ex, and make the relationship stick.

Tre and Victoria Samuels with daughter Silas.Credit: Jason South

Victoria Samuels was 17 when she met her now husband, Trè Samuels. “We like to call ourselves each other’s childhood high school sweethearts,” the 26-year-old social media influencer and co-host of the podcast Tori and Mine, says.

The pair dated for around a year, while Trè, a musician, was establishing a career overseas, but broke it off amicably. “We were just young and a bit immature, and we took each other for granted,” recounts Samuels.

Five years passed, with each of them working on their careers and dating other people, until one day they realised they were both single. Not long afterwards, Trè returned from the United States and, as Samuels puts it, “from then it was just full force ... we both knew instantly.”

The pair married in July 2022, and together have a one-year-old daughter, Silas, with another due in September.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have split for the second time.Credit: AP

Samuels says their years apart played an important role in the relationship they have today.

“We are so happy that we had that time apart because during that time, we both had some good experiences and bad experiences. We both learned a lot about ourselves and we actually realised, like, ‘you are good for me and you are the right person for me’.”

Samuels thinks there is often the misconception that people who reunite with their exes have unhealthy relationships, but says for her, the opposite was the case. Prior to reuniting with Trè, she says she was in quite a “traumatic unhealthy relationship”.

“We found a level of safety within each other, because he associated me with home ... whereas I associated him with a sweet boy that just always treated me so nicely and just loved me dearly.”

‘I think it’s really important to not be [reuniting with an ex-partner] just because you’re lonely.’

Separation support specialist Selina Millers

When is getting back with an ex a good idea?

Dr. Gery Karantzas, director of the Science of Adult Relationships Laboratory at Deakin University, says it’s important to consider the reasons you might want to recommence a relationship.

“It’s not just about trying to turn off the pain or worry over whether you’ll find anyone else,” he says.

“I think it’s really important to not be doing it just because you’re lonely,” agrees Selina Millers, a post-marital specialist and founder of separation support network You After X. “They’ve really got to add value to your life.”

Karantzas says it’s important that both parties are conscious of the reasons the relationship broke down the first time around, and be committed to making it work for the better.

“They need to be able to see a future together and they need to be able to work through to make it succeed,” he says.

Millers doesn’t think there’s any one reason for a breakup from which a relationship can’t come back.

“I’ve seen people come back from infidelity. The only one I would rule out is obviously domestic violence,” he says.

Navigating a successful reunification

It’s important to re-enter the relationship slowly, says Millers.

“There’s a tendency to rush back in, so pumping the brakes and carving a different pathway to the one you had before [is important], because we know that doesn’t work.”

Millers says that time apart isn’t necessarily an indicator of a successful reunification, either. A couple who has been separated for five years is no more likely to last the second time around than a couple who has been separated for five months.

“It’s more to do with personal development because it’s so individual. Some may take five years and some may take five months to do the exact same work, but it’s about a willingness to work on yourself.”

Millers also thinks that most successful reunifications are aided by professional help.

“The way to know is if they are engaging [therapeutic] services and you can see a complete change in behaviour over time. Anyone can alter behaviours in the short term, but it’s that long-term behaviour change that needs to be seen.”

Talking to friends and family

When choosing to get back together, overcoming the hesitations and judgement of friends and family can be a significant hurdle.

“It takes honest conversations,” says Millers.

“Family and friends are usually just trying to protect you. So it’s about helping them understand why, and what changes you’ve seen in them to try again, especially if there’s infidelity.”

When it comes to talking to children, Millers says the principle of honest conversations (but in an age appropriate way) holds.

“Young children are a lot more adaptable, and they tend to kind of go with the flow a little bit more. But it shouldn’t be underestimated what they see and understand, so it’s important to be looking for signs they’re comfortable with what’s happening.”

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