I had two choices: an arranged marriage or leave home forever

Arranged marriage, semi-arranged marriage, love marriage. Coming from a conservative Indian background, these are all terms I grew up hearing. At times, I would listen in to my mum’s conversations with her friends, discussing when someone had a taboo “love” marriage. Those stories were a little glimmer of hope, as I had always imagined love to be what Shah Rukh Khan had showcased in Bollywood movies.

It was an unspoken expectation in my family that I would have an arranged marriage. This is when your parents or assigned people in your community search for eligible candidates. Once candidates are selected, meetings of families occur, and if the candidates are compatible, a marriage may occur.

Uppma Virdi with her husband on their wedding day.

My story is that I fell in love, and I knew it was going to be an uphill battle because he was not a Shah Rukh Khan, let alone an Indian. But after several years of being in a secret relationship, living in constant fear of a gossiping aunty seeing me, we got married with my family’s blessing. Here’s how I avoided an arranged marriage.

Step 1: Tell your parents the truth

I met Daniel in Europe while we were both on an exchange semester. I wasn’t really allowed to travel much, so I had coerced my parents to let me go on exchange. There was something mysterious and gentle about him that attracted me, and his good looks being half Indonesian and half Canadian.

When we first got together, it was a balance of liking him, but not liking him too much. It reminded me that we weren’t going to work out. But, in the famous words of Mahatma Gandhi, “What barrier is there that love cannot break?” I knew I needed to tell my parents the truth, so I told them I’d met someone. Their response was dramatic. My choices were to leave the home to be in my relationship, or end the relationship to live in the family home. I loved my family too much and chose the latter.

Uppma Virdi and her husband celebrate Holi Festival.

Step 2: Do not tell your parents the truth

I went back to the drawing board. Upon telling Daniel the predicament, his response was, “I have faith things will work out”. Frankly, I had no faith, but was happy to give Project Faith a go. I decided to tell my parents a white lie: that we broke up.

Many of us in these situations learn to fly under the radar. From changing your secret boyfriend’s name on your phone to “Jyoti”, or having to go to lots of study dates with “Sarah”. All while needing to tell the real Jyoti and Sarah the truth in case they were cross-examined.

Uppma Virdi with her husband and parents on her wedding day.

Step 3: Work on yourself so that no-one can say no to you

I started losing hope. There were no examples in my community of successful interracial relationships. Daniel and I had just graduated as lawyers and decided to bunker down in our respective cities and spend the next few years focusing on our careers, all while I prayed to Project Faith. After a few years practising law, I left the legal life to start my own business, which became a good cover for when aunties called my mum asking for my hand in marriage for their aspiring sons. I kept saying “no, let me focus on building my business”, until one day I cracked. I’d had enough of living two lives. I gave my parents an ultimatum: “Meet him once, if you don’t like him, find me someone as good as him.”

Step 4: Introduce the families and give respect to both cultures

Of course, they loved Daniel. After the first few meetings, things moved fast. One moment I was anxious about holding his hand in public, the next he was sitting in my family’s home having dinner. It was surreal. In North Indian culture, there’s a ceremony called Roka. The word “Rokh” in Punjabi means “to stop”. The Roka ceremony is a celebration where both families get together and announce that these two are promised for each other and other proposals are to be stopped.

My family finally saw that values such as respect, integrity and the love for family were not specific to your heritage. Being in an interracial relationship is something quite beautiful; you and your family are always learning the layers of the other’s culture. You also question why you do certain things, which adds to the learning. From language to festive events to diverse foods, it is a journey full of new adventures.

Step 5: Get married

A year later, we got married. Indian weddings are a communal festival. With many events full of song, dance and feasting, it is a joy. Coming from a Sikh background, we got married in a Gurdwara (Sikh temple) and Daniel grew his beard and wore a turban! There was a moment when I was sitting next to him in the Gurdwara and I thought, wow, I’ve run around here as a kid, gone to Punjabi school and created so much community here. Now, I’m getting to marry my love in front of the same community I tried to hide him from. Somehow, I had avoided an arranged marriage with my family intact.

Some people want to have an arranged marriage, and it works for them. Some people have families who don’t mind who they marry. In my case, I wouldn’t change a thing. When there’s only one accepted way of doing something, there will always be fear in taking the unknown path. But, I’m proof that you just need one person to change the cycle.

Uppma Virdi an entrepreneur and the founder of Chai Walli.

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