How to (gently) talk to ageing parents about downsizing and decluttering

After my 91-year-old grandfather died, it took my mum three years to sort through the mountain of paperwork and memorabilia that he’d amassed over seven decades with my grandmother. As I begrudgingly think of my own mother’s mortality – especially after unexpectedly losing my dad two years ago – I worry about landing in the same kind of mess, all while trying to process the grief.

My Type A wiring makes me want to get a jump on things now by decluttering drawers and closets every time I’m at her house. But approaching this topic with my healthy, albeit ageing, parent feels morbid and more than a little insensitive.

Psychiatrist Helen Lavretsky, who specialises in geriatric mental health and teaches at UCLA, says it’s common to avoid such discussions out of fear of death or not wanting to appear controlling. But she says there is a way to handle the conversation tactfully, primarily by emphasising that you’re interested in knowing – and respecting – your parents’ wishes and preferences regarding their personal belongings.

The biggest mistake adult children make is having a one-sided conversation in their head about the situation.Credit: istock

If you’re ready to have the decluttering conversation with your own parents, here’s what else experts recommend.

How to get started

Sharon Praissman Fisher, founder of Nurtured Well, a provider of online and in-person therapy, says the biggest mistake adult children make is having a one-sided conversation in their head about the situation.

“They visit Mum and Dad, feel overwhelmed and then start the process mentally on their own,” she says. “Instead, it’s much better to express interest in what your parents think and feel about downsizing.”

Rather than telling them they need to get rid of their belongings, Fisher recommends posing questions more neutrally: How is it for you keeping up with this house? Have you ever thought about downsizing? Do you plan on staying here indefinitely?

The answers can help you set clear intentions and goals as a first step in the process. “Write them down and refer back to this when emotions run high,” Fisher says. This theme of respecting your parents’ autonomy must continue throughout the process, she adds. Rather than assuming a leadership role when it’s time to start purging, ask what they need from you, or gently suggest ways you can help.

Jennifer Collie, a senior associate at Pfeffer Torode Architecture who specialises in ageing in place, recommends identifying each family member’s role and level of involvement in the project from the outset to help establish boundaries and not overwhelm the parents. “Empower your parents to lead on scope, pace and goal setting,” she advises. “Parents may prefer to simply advise what is and is not fair game to purge.” From there, other family members or professional helpers may be tapped with the actual process of sorting and removing items.

Take your time

Once your parents are on board and it’s time to start decluttering, experts advise taking a gradual approach. For one thing, speeding through a purge can be a surefire way to toss something meaningful or valuable by mistake. For another, going slowly can keep the project from feeling overwhelming.

“This is a walk down memory lane, so allow yourself time to process both the good and bad memories,” Fisher says.

Collie recommends sorting belongings by what’s essential, what’s beautiful and what’s sentimental. Categorising items “breaks down the process into more manageable steps”, she says.

For things that may be valuable – or for parents with a higher volume of belongings – it’s often helpful to bring in an estate expert who can take items to auction or sell them online.

Jacquie Denny, co-founder of Everything But The House, is one such estate planner who has been helping families downsize for more than 35 years. When ageing adults move to smaller homes, they only take 25 per cent of their belongings on average, she says.

“Remember to give Mum and Dad grace,” Denny says. “When they get stuck on an item, revisit it and let them come to the conclusion that they don’t need it to move forward.”

What to do with your parents’ belongings

More than likely, your parents will want to give some of their stuff to you and other family members. “My grandmother would give virtually everyone who visited her home a grocery bag of items she chose from around her house, prior to their arrival, thoughtfully chosen for the recipient,” Collie says. “This was a routine practice of hers for many years prior to her passing.”

While you’ll no doubt be pleased – even touched – to inherit some items, the awkward part comes when your mum or dad tries to send you home with something you really don’t want. Though navigating these situations can be tricky, Fisher suggests gently telling the truth, rather than accepting the item only to donate it later on yourself. Otherwise, she points out, “what happens if they ask to see it when visiting your home?”

And whether your parents are trying to give them to you or not, be considerate when commenting on their belongings. “Don’t assume something you find unattractive or dated isn’t valuable to [them],” says Jacalyn Ollivant, a designer at California Closets Greater Washington, D.C.

Old furniture could go to a local non-profit or shelter, for instance, and towels and blankets are always in demand at animal rescue shelters.Credit: iStock

When it comes to deciding what to donate, Denny says it’s often easier to let go when you focus on the difference the items could make for someone else. “Being mindful of opportunities to share things we no longer need with others lets you downsize with a purpose,” she says.

Kratzer echoes that sentiment. She encourages selecting organisations that are meaningful to your parents — old furniture could go to a local non-profit or shelter, for instance, and towels and blankets are always in demand at animal rescue shelters. “We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone,” she says.

The Washington Post

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