‘He told me he was seeing a guy’: The ex-spouses who stayed best friends

Jane Hope, 53, and Anthony McDonough, 54, married, travelled the world and had their daughter Grace, now 19, before separating. Anthony currently lives with his male partner, Chris, but Jane is still his best friend.

Jane: “Anthony and I can still talk about our life together, which is lovely because you often lose your best friend in a break-up.” Credit: Mia Mala McDonald

Jane: We met on the steps of Parliament House in Hobart in 1992, when I was 22. Anthony has a great presence and I was attracted to his confidence. Quite quickly, we were living together and moved to Brisbane, then Melbourne, with his work as a marketing consultant. Then we had an opportunity to live in Europe. We spent five years in Austria, Germany and Russia – Grace, our daughter, was born in Vienna. We had a great marriage. We did hard things like moving to three non-English-speaking countries. I don’t think you can do that if you’re not really connected. He gave me a lot of confidence as a woman and professionally [as a product manager].

We came back to Australia in 2006 and that’s when things started to unravel. It was tough, acclimatising a young child, getting back to work. Anthony is larger than life but with that comes moodiness. It became too much. There wasn’t a defining moment; it just felt like we ran out of steam.

Grace was four, our priority and our north star, but those first few months after we broke up were rocky. Somebody saw Anthony out with a man. I remember catching up with him over coffee and asking about his sexuality. He told me he was seeing a guy. I took a deep breath: “Okay, we’re going to find our way.”

It was all very confronting and there was no rule book. “My ex-husband’s gay”: that’s not an easy sentence to say. I felt alone and vulnerable, but protecting my family was my over-riding concern. It took a lot from me, trying to manage a marriage break-up and a young child, and wanting very much not to go down the path of hating my ex. I had to be brave.

We felt if we were tight as a unit, if there was no stress between Anthony and me, then that was actually a great environment for Grace to grow up in, even though it wasn’t conventional. We decided to give her the confidence of knowing that she had family and love around her. We both had to dig deep. He and I have been united. Early on, she’d try things: “Dad said that I can stay up late.” “Oh really? Let’s ring him.” That got shut down.

“Chris is the younger, better-looking male version of me. I have so much love and respect for him.”

Jane Hope

Over time, our relationship has developed. We can’t label it. Anthony’s not my husband, obviously; he’s like a brother, but not. I love the relationship he has with his partner, too. Chris is the younger, better-looking male version of me. I have so much love and respect for him. It’s not easy to take on a partner’s ex-wife, let alone a partner’s daughter, as he has.

We spend Christmases and celebrate birthdays together. When my dad died suddenly in 2016, I got on a plane to Hobart and Anthony was there the next day. That’s family. He’s still my emergency contact. If something goes down, I’m calling him. I feel as if I’m seeing the benefit of putting in all that hard work. And Grace is flourishing.

Anthony and I can still talk about our life together, which is lovely because you often lose your best friend in a break-up. Like, “Do you remember that time in Moscow when we sat in Red Square and watched Joe Cocker?” We can still share those memories.

Chris, Jane, Grace, and Anthony.

Anthony: Jane and I were best friends from the time we met: we did everything together. Our friends would have said we were the perfect couple right up until the day we separated. What’s going on inside a marriage isn’t always the same as what people perceive.

We were happy together until Moscow. Then the marriage started to hit a harder time. Jane was keen to get back to Australia and that house with the picket fence, the cars, the jobs. I wanted to stay in Europe. Things started to break down. We came back, found the house, the jobs and the cars we wanted, but we weren’t happy.

I have a lot of ups and downs and the ups are great, but the downs not so much. We had a big fight and didn’t resolve it. Jane’s a very matter-of-fact person. She said, “I’m going to stay at Mum and Dad’s.” And I said, “If you go, don’t bother coming back.” That was the end of our 9½-year marriage.

“If I’d experimented earlier with guys, my whole life might have gone in a different direction. I’m glad I didn’t.”

Anthony McDonough

I had a few gay friends. I thought, Jane’s the perfect wife. If it couldn’t work with her, maybe I should try guys. I got teased at school for being gay and I wasn’t. But because I was teased, I think it was something I hid from myself. I started to think I might be bisexual. I thought, I’ll go out with my male friends and see what happens.

If I’d experimented earlier with guys, my whole life might have gone in a different direction. I’m glad I didn’t. I’m happy with the way my life has played out because I got to have an amazing relationship with Jane. I loved her, I wasn’t pretending, and we were happy for a very long time. I also believe that not every relationship is forever.

We didn’t have any of the answers when we broke up: we just had to work it out as we went. When it came to parenting Grace, we made a pact that we’d always support each other: “If Mum said that you’re doing this, that’s the way it’s going to be. Dad’s not going to give you a different answer.”

In a crisis, Jane’s the first person we call: she has a key to the house. Grace has gone to uni, but we are the same. Jane had a bad day this week. She came over and we had drinks and dinner. Right now, she’s off shopping for a dress with my sister to wear to our nephew’s wedding. If I have a fight with Chris, I talk to her about what’s going on; there’s no judgment. Jane and Chris have their own relationship as well, which is amazing.

I’m the luckiest person in the world to have had these two relationships: to live as a completely straight man and then as a completely gay man. They both have amazing benefits. I feel proud of us as a group – and of Grace, for the beautiful girl she’s become.

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