Chappell Roan says parenthood is ‘hell’. Here’s what the experts say

Most people will agree that becoming a parent changes your life. Fewer, it appears, can agree on how positive that change is.

Last week, pop star Chappell Roan triggered a heated debate online after speaking about parenthood on the Call Her Daddy podcast. When asked about her hometown friends, most of whom are now parents, the 27-year-old described their lives as hellish.

Chappell Roan’s remarks about parenthood have certainly gotten people talking, but are they fair?Credit: AP

“All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I don’t know anyone ... who’s happy and has children at this age,” Roan said. “I literally have not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.”

Roan’s comments aren’t entirely unfounded. Some studies suggest the first few years of a child’s life are the most stressful for mothers. In fact, according to data from the 2010 Australian National Infant Feeding Survey, one in five mothers with children under two suffer perinatal depression.

Parenting can certainly be challenging but Kathryn Francis, a 41-year-old Sydney-based mother, says Roan’s comments go a step too far.

“Her comments hit a raw nerve,” Francis, who has a one-year-old son, says. “There’s this huge negative narrative around parenting … It made me feel like I need to downplay how much I’m enjoying being a mum. I’ve even had friends delay having kids because they’ve been told life is over once you have them.”

For Francis, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Since becoming a mother, she has travelled overseas, gone camping and enjoyed road trips with her son. Despite having some tough days (especially when sleep training), she says the positives outweigh the negatives.

Kathryn Francis says the negative portrayal of motherhood could not be farther from her own experience.Credit: Louise Kennerley

Francis warns against sweeping generalisations like Roan’s.

“Every child is different. What works for one may not for another,” she says. “But if you’re only hearing other parents speaking about how hard it is all the time, it’s easy to feed off that negativity.”

Not everyone agrees. Some turned to social media to applaud Roan for raising an under-discussed issue, and encouraging new parents to open up about the often difficult reality of child-rearing and the general lack of support available.

Jane Kohlhoff, director of research at parenting service Karitane, says Australian parents often feel under-supported since the systems and services in place are often overstretched.

“Government policies are helpful, but they fall short in certain areas – affordable childcare, access to free mental health services, flexible work arrangements,” she says. “Different parents will have different needs, but many parents end up feeling very isolated. There’s a lot of stress and exhaustion involved in looking after little people.”

Kohlhoff is pleased that Roan’s comments have encouraged people to consider the complexities of parenting. However, she agrees the conversation requires more nuance.

“We need to have a more sensitive approach. There’s so much joy, but also struggles – it’s a mix of both. It’s not necessarily helpful to make blanket statements about how it is for all parents. We need to listen to the voices of parents and give them easier access to the help they need.”

Dr Alice Dwyer, medical director of parent infant and early childhood mental health at parenting service Tresillian, agrees, noting that any generalisation about parenting can be damaging. Until recently, she says many mothers have felt intense shame or inadequacy around expressing the darker side of motherhood, as society largely depicts it as universally joyful and fulfilling.

“I often hear mums say ‘everyone else can do this, how come I can’t?’ This is often heavily influenced by social media images or their peers’ messaging that all is well when in reality it isn’t,” she says.

Understanding that you don’t need to be perfect can help parents open up, Dwyer says. However, it’s equally important to acknowledge parenting is a mixed bag.

“Parents can feel a great relief when they share their intense love for their family, as well as when they report how exhausted, overwhelmed and doubtful they are. Both perspectives can be valid.”

Despite the reaction to Roan’s commentary, Dwyer and Kohlhoff acknowledge it has highlighted a need for greater education around perinatal mental health challenges.

“We’re trying to promote a culture where people can identify they’re struggling before they get into a really dark place,” Kohlhoff says. “That requires support around the parent from community groups, friends, family.”

It also requires greater external support, Dwyer says, such as public health campaigns on the joys and challenges of parenting.

“Increasing education and funding for GPs, midwives, obstetricians and parenting services, to spend time with and better understand the lived experience of parents, is also important.”

Perinatal mental health support is available from the PANDA National Helpline on 1300 726 306 and ForWhen on 1300 24 23 22.

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.