‘At 42, I was racing against time’: pursuing motherhood despite the odds

If you haven’t yet found “the one”, should you give up on your dream of motherhood? Australian women are increasingly saying “nope” and opting to start a family on their own. While national figures are not easily available, the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority notes 804 single women gave birth via donor in 2021-22, up from 582 (or almost 40 per cent) in 2015-16. (This figure excludes single women having babies via private donors.)

“Fertility clinics report growing demand for donor sperm, and single women now make up an increasing proportion of those seeking assisted reproductive treatment,” explains Dr Petra Wale, president of the Fertility Society of Australia and New Zealand.

There are several factors driving the trend, such as women prioritising their careers and personal goals. “Advances in fertility treatments and better access to donor sperm have made solo motherhood more accessible,” Wale says. “Social attitudes have also evolved, with growing acceptance of diverse family structures and more women feeling empowered to take control of their reproductive choices.”

“Going overseas proved to be my lucky charm”: Tracey Hayman, 47

I was 37 when I realised that, as I still had not found a husband, I should probably look into the possibility of freezing my eggs. I didn’t yet feel a burning desire to have children; I saw my visit to the fertility clinic that day as a way of buying more time. Of course, when the doctor told me I’d already left it too late and motherhood was probably never going to happen for me, I was devastated. I walked out and didn’t do anything about it for years. Eventually, the yearning for a baby got so strong that I knew I had to try.

Tracey Hayman and baby Eddie.

I went to a Sydney clinic that’s long been considered one of the best, but their wait list for donor sperm was more than nine months; at age 42, I was racing against time. I found another, smaller fertility clinic which had no wait list and the journey commenced, one arduous cycle after another. Despite friends and my mother coming to appointments with me, IVF can be a very isolating experience – particularly for women doing it without partners. I endured 14 cycles over five years before my fertility team suggested I try in Spain, where success rates for someone like me were much higher.

I underwent just one cycle in Barcelona when I got the phone call I’d been desperate to hear: I was finally pregnant! After so much heartbreak, the joy I felt is difficult to describe, but pregnancy in your late 40s is tough. I had gestational diabetes, high blood pressure and terrible morning sickness. As I was high risk, I was carefully monitored, but the birth was still traumatic, and I ended up hospitalised afterwards with postnatal depression.

Solo motherhood isn’t for the faint-hearted: you’re always exhausted and it’s emotionally and financially challenging. But the truth is that no matter how difficult the journey to bring Eddie into the world and raising him on my own, it’s all been worth it to hold my son in my arms. The smiles, the cuddles, the look of wonderment and watching him grow; nothing could ever compare to the joy he brings me every single day.

“It’s not how I planned it, but I don’t have a single regret”: Maddy Westbrook, 38

My maternal instincts kicked in when I was quite young; by 14 I was already mentally mapping out what my future husband and children would look like. I figured I’d fall in love, get married and have twin identical daughters. Life, of course, rarely goes as planned. When I found myself single again in my early 30s after a long-term relationship faltered, I was struck dumb with grief about potentially missing out on having the baby I had so desperately yearned for.

Maddy Westbrook with baby Cove.Credit: Kirra Smith Photography

We were in the middle of COVID-19 lockdowns when I began the IVF process, so nothing was what you might call ‘straightforward’. I found a great fertility team in Sydney and through their app – like Tinder for sperm donors – I chose and sourced the sperm. Then the borders shut, so I couldn’t fly down from Queensland where I live. I ended up having to let go of that sperm, which was tough.

It took a while to get the ball rolling again, but I had my first IVF attempt in January 2023 after three rounds of IUI [intrauterine insemination]. After what I call 4.5 attempt cycles – there were some setbacks – I discovered I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I was really sick with hyperemesis and previous miscarriages took much of the joy away from the experience. I couldn’t quite believe I was going to actually have a baby until my daughter, Cove, was safely in my arms.

Seven months in, solo motherhood hasn’t been without its challenges. When you’re doing it on your own, you don’t have an extra pair of hands to help out, to make a meal while you shower or to hold her while you use the bathroom. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was just how much love we would experience from friends, family and the larger community who are always popping over. When other women say to me, ‘I thought the chance had passed me by, but you’ve inspired me to do it myself’, that’s the cherry on top. It’s not how I planned it, but I don’t have a single regret.

“I was forced to choose between my partner or our baby”: Bronny Lane, 52

My ex and I had been together for five years and had many discussions about having a baby together when I became pregnant with our daughter. I believed we were on the same page, especially after discussing baby names, but I was wrong. I was given an ultimatum: him or the baby, I couldn’t have both. I was shocked but, at 35, I chose to continue my pregnancy on my own.

Bronny Lane with her daughter, Lexie, when she was a child.

Throughout the pregnancy, I never stopped hoping he’d change his mind about our baby. I sent him regular email updates with no reply. I was two weeks overdue when I finally went into labour with my mother by my side. It was a long and difficult posterior labour that went on for days, with my daughter arriving by emergency caesarean – perfectly healthy and beautiful. Her biological father came to the hospital the day she was born and again 24 hours later but, in the 16 years since, he hasn’t laid eyes on her.

There’s no question raising a child is challenging, whether you’re partnered or not. My situation was further complicated by the Family Court, a system I believe is broken and thrives on trauma.

If I am honest, I did not find it hard raising my daughter on my own. It was quite the opposite, life was simple with just her and me. Plus, I didn’t have to share my precious child. Fortunately, I was lucky to receive wonderful support from my mother and friends new and old. Having my baby on my own was the best thing that ever happened to me and led to me meeting my husband. I am now remarried in a loving, blended family with three beautiful stepchildren.

I launched my marketing and PR business as a single mother in a one-bedroom flat when my daughter was a tiny baby and have since grown it into a thriving company. I am also proud of the children’s book I wrote, My Super Single Mum, the first children’s book for single mothers in Australia in a series focusing on diversity in families.

My message to women in similar situations to me is: you can do it, you can have your baby and even have the life you dreamed of. I’m proof that you can have your baby and thrive, too. My daughter was the best goodbye present I ever received and the best choice I ever made.

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