A day in the life of a Google-dependent grandparent

They say young children ask many questions – Why is the sky blue? Why are trees green? Why is Trump President? – but it’s nothing on the information sought by a grandparent. Here are my requests for information, on a day when Nana happened to be in Brisbane. Our transcript begins one minute after the children’s arrival.

Google searches (7.11 am to 7.50 am)
How to draw a lion. Step by step. Easy.
How to draw a lion except lion has tail of a serpent. Step by step. Easy.
How to draw a lion except the lion is also a goat and it has a tail like a scorpion. Step by step. Easy.
How to draw a lion-goat-scorpion with a four your old when his younger brother is simultaneously climbing the handles on the kitchen drawers so he can reach the stove top? Easy.

How to make slime? Recipe. Simple.Credit: Getty Images

Post on Facebook parenting group (7.50am)
Does anyone have a Ms Rachel link? Urgent.

Response to kindly Facebook parent (7.51)
Thanks! Great Job!

Log onto the newspaper. Read paper for 60 minutes while children are happily hypnotised by Ms Rachel. In spare time, send text to Nana in Brisbane (8.51)

All well here! Very relaxed! You should go away more often!

Google searches (8.52 am)
How to make slime? Recipe. Simple.
How to make slime? Recipe. Simple. No contact lens solution.
Slime without contact lens solution, baking powder or PVA glue?
Crying four-year-old, what to do?

Dan Murphy App, virtual assistant (8.55).
Do you deliver before 10am?

Google searches (8.56 to 9.30)
Why do termites eat wood? For child.
How to make a termite out of pipe cleaners and ice-cream sticks? For child.
How to paint a termite once you’ve made one from pipe cleaners and ice-cream sticks? Four-year-old child. He is here with me. In this room.
Videos of Godzilla. For kids. Not too scary.

Email to the Forest Industry Council (9.37)
I’ve told my four-year-old grandson that paper is made from trees but he refuses to believe me. He says trees are strong, yet paper is weak, as proven by the fact that it can be easily torn. He has offered to demonstrate his theory employing a book we’ve been reading. We now have trust issues which are the fault of your industry. Can you urgently send information to prove I am not a peddler of unlikely lies? Yours etc.

How to paint a termite once you’ve made one from pipe cleaners and ice-cream sticks? Four-year-old child. He is here with me. In this room.

Google search (9.55)
Name of a TV show that sounds like “Pause Control” when said by a four-year-old with an Australian accent?

Google response. (9.56)
The child wants to see the film Gladiator starring Russell Crowe. (This response was generated by AI. May include mistakes.)

WhatsApp message to child’s mother (9.57)
Pip wants to watch a show called “Pause Control” but I can’t find it anywhere. What streamer is it on?

WhatsApp reply from child’s mother (9.58)
He means Paw Patrol. It’s on Stan.

Text message to Nana (10.10)
How do you operate our TV set? I can’t get to the streaming page. It’s stuck on live TV.

Text reply from Nana (10.11)
You need to use the small silver thing not the black thing.

Text message to Nana (10.13)
Found it. Thanks. Good job.

Text reply from Nana (10.14)
Since when do you say “good job”? You’ve been letting them watch Ms Rachel again, haven’t you? I bet you let them watch it for a whole hour while you sat and read the paper.

Text message to Nana (10.15).
I only let them watch five minutes.

Text message from Nana (10.16).
Yeah, sure. Pull the other leg, it’s got bells on it.

Text message to Nana (10.23)
Pip says he never wanted to watch TV. Says he wants to make clay models of the Paw Patrol characters. Where is the clay?

Text message from Nana (10.24)
We don’t have any clay.

Google searches (10.26 to 11.05)
Alternative to clay when you don’t have any clay?
Alternative to clay if you don’t have flour?
Could I use an old bag of bathroom grout as an alternative to clay? For a child?
How to get grout off a child?
How to get grout off a child while also trying to rescue his younger brother who is sitting triumphantly on the stove-top holding a pair of scissors?

Text message to Nana (11.06)
Is it too early to give them lunch?

Text message to Nana (11.50)
Is it too early for midday sleep?

Text message from Nana (11.52)
Do you mean you or the little one?

Google search (12.10 to 4pm)
How to build a sarcophagus using Lego?
How to entertain an 18-month-old while also helping a four-year-old to build a sarcophagus?
How to describe mummification process to a four-year-old, age-appropriate?
How many hours of Ms Rachel acceptable in one day?

Text message to son (4.32)
Have you left work yet?

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